A
female
age
36-40,
*ilentbird
writes:... How do I mend a broken heart after being in an abusive relationship and still caring for that person when they have moved on?He's 24, I'm 22. I have known him nearly 10 years now. He gave me my first kiss when I was 13 but we stopped talking until last September when we got back into contact on Facebook. We met up to talk and catch up and were inseparable after that.The first 2 months of dating were great, but slowly things fell apart more and more. We were only together 8 months but everything was so emotionally draining that it felt more like 2 years.He had sold pot in the beginning of our relationship (eventually stopped), told me he had been doing cocaine behind my back the first couple months (he's an addict so that problem never went away), got arrested for cocaine possession and could possibly go to jail, alcoholic, smokes cigarettes, lies constantly, manipulative, hypocritical, most likely cheated on me, $20,000 in debt, and absolutely everything was my fault in our relationship. He never physically hit me and he always promised me he wouldn't, but sometimes his anger got so bad that it really scared me. Being with him ripped away any self-confidence I once had... but yet I constantly tried to fight for him anyway. I know I'm not 100% innocent in regard to our issues. I have my own problems and have struggled with depression and anxiety for years. However I've never had issues with anyone like I did with him.The first time I saw him 10 years ago I was immediately drawn to him. I have never known what it is about him that makes me care so much but I do and it makes me nearly blind to how much he has hurt me. During our relationship I think I did what a lot of people do with addicts... I thought I could change him, I thought my love for him would be enough. Nothing I did was ever good enough though and I finally cut myself off from him the beginning of June. It was an extremely ugly break up. I said a lot of things I've never said to anyone and he said some pretty hurtful things as well.3 days after we broke up I found out he is already with the girl I always suspected him of cheating on me with. He always insisted he never physically hooked up with her during our relationship, but the emotional relationship with her was clearly there. He told me before he thought she was obnoxious/immature (she's 19) and slept with half his friends. Now he supposedly likes her because she's okay with his cocaine use, she likes to party (although she's in AA), and she was always there to talk to him about our relationship issues.I know that I'm better off without him. The past month I've been more relaxed and happy than I have been in a long time. I'm taking care of myself and doing the things I enjoy. I feel so angry and hurt at the same time though. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights. I tried so hard with him, gave him as much as I could, and he hurt me so badly... but yet he has moved on like I never existed and I'm the one here feeling empty and used.I know it's only been a month, but I feel like there's a pressure to move on and date again. I don't have many good friends so most of my time is spent alone doing hobbies, college, or with family. I want to love again, but the idea of being with someone else hurts too bad. Most of my memories of my ex are filled with pain, but yet I still feel like I'm in love. It's also hard that we live in a small town so sometimes I see him driving and it scares me that I'll end up running him to him and his new girlfriend somewhere.I've been in serious relationships before, I've been through breakups, but everything is so different this time. How can I let go of someone who is clearly not even worth my pain? Sometimes I wish he would at least apologize to me, but I know he never will and I can't sit here waiting with the hope that he'll recognize that he did hurt me.Sorry this is so long...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): I was in a very similar relationship. I am 19 and dating a ten year older man for 2 years off and on. I was immediately attracted to him and defended me because I thought we connected on an intense level. I moved in with him a year into our relationship and found out gradually that he was cheating on me with three other women and had domestic assault charges from a previous relationship. He sold drugs on the side because he didn't have a job (lied to me about the money) and would be high off and on without really knowing. He would threaten me and call me a slut and liar when I would do nothing. When I was with him my moods and self-image were governed by how he treated me each day. Now that we are not together any more because he was charged with domestic assault I feel really emotionally shaky. I know I can never see him again because I am so drawn to him for some insane reason and it hurts me that he could have manipulated me so. They take advantage of our issues and ruin our lives. Don't let it take you down.
A
female
reader, annemh452 +, writes (25 August 2010):
You sound like a very intelligent girl, and...honestly...your story sounds like mine. Everyting from the pain, cocaine use, cheating, jumping right to another girl after we broke up, me hoping that he'll recognize the pain he put me through. I've given up though...because I've finally realized that everything is about him. Everything that went wrong with our relationship, even him slapping me and choking me, was my fault. Nothing was ever his fault, and none of his actions were ever his responsbilitiy. They were mine. Even the way he felt, was my responsibility. If he was happy, it was because I made him happy, and if he was angry or unhappy, it was because of me.He gave all the responsibility to me, so he would never have to be held accountable for the shit (pardon my langauge) that he put me through. And nothing, like he says, was ever that bad. He hit me, but he didn't ever "hurt" me, as he put it. He never put me in the hospital, so to him, it was okay. I still can't wrap my brain around that. I know that he will never recognize the pain he put me through, and I don't him to anymore. I hope you get to that point. Something that helps me to stay away from his is a ring my mom got me. It has a quote from Ghandi: "Nobody can hurt me without my permission". Even though he caused you a lot of pain, suffering, and humiliation, it's up to you to stand your ground and not give him the power to change how you feel about yourself. If the thought of dating scares you, then you're not ready yet, and that's okay. Be by yourself, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a single woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Your guy is a CLASSIC borderline. Read everything you can about personality disorder, in particular Borderline Personality Disorder. These character disordered men have a pattern to their romantic relationships, it never varies, it's all the same shit, just different details, this is how I am certain he is one, in fact you are the best person to diagnose him because you lived it.
Being in a toxic traumatic relationship with him even for 8 months has done a lot of damage to you, including your world view and the way you process information, not to mention the feelings of being lied to, betrayed, jerked arouond and then abandoned so easily for another. It's what they do, this has NOTHING to do with you, nothng.
Go to saferelationshipsmagazine.com and read Sandra Says articles, buy the ebook for Women who love Psychopathic men, it will explain it all in there what happened and why there were things about your personality and temperament that made you vulnerable to a manipulative psychopath like this. He's dangerous, the first order of business is to never contact him again and to never respond to any contact he makes towards you. You can't fix this, he will never change, he is incapable of it, and the longer you are around him the more damage will be done to you.
That I can guarantee. There is also an article on this site Relationship Red Flags, with many links that you can go to to study about this.
This is the first step of your recovery is to educate yourself about personality disordered people. The second step is to let it go and put your focus back on you and building your life...stay single for awhile.
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A
female
reader, helpme:]  +, writes (12 July 2010):
ok i soudn really wierd but here goes...
You obviously can't win him back and i think that if you relax for a couple of month until you have mended (you heart) then go out and look for someone better who won't cause trouble and will treat you like a man should, with dignity.
Good Luck Xxxx
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