A
female
age
41-50,
QuirkLady
writes:"I was so nice to her but now she's going out with someone else!""Women don't really want nice guys, they want assholes.""He never even noticed all the wonderful things I did for him!"If you've ever said any of these things, you might be a Nice Guy/Girl.First, let me define the difference between a Nice Guy/Girl (NG) and a nice guy or girl.A NG's biggest problem is insecurity. Deep down they believe they are inferior and crave outside approval. They are horribly clingy and believe that if anyone knew the real them, they'd vanish. They never make any decisions, thinking if they suggest something the other person doesn't like, it will end in conflict and the other person will leave. They'll often put themselves down without realizing this makes their partner feel like they picked a dud.One tactic of NGs is when they meet someone, they bend over to please that person through heavy doses of gifts and adoration. They believe that being a doormat will magically bring them love without having to admit their feelings.The person on the receiving end never knows if the NG loves them or just likes doing nice things. Contrary to the NG's belief, people don't only do things for other people out of love. The NG will eventually become frustrated that their "selfless devotion" has not resulted in a relationship and will become bitter. Misanthropy comes easily to the NG.Another tactic of NGs is that they will come on hard and fast. The first date will be over the top romantic, or will come with professions of love before the night is over. If there's a second date, the NG will bring up long term relationship possibilities like marriage or children.NGs often attract users and manipulative people who will suck every drop of money, material goods and affection and leave them in the lurch. The NG never understands that behavior is specific to that person and will blame the gender as a whole. They'll also never realize that users can spot insecurity from a mile away and will often wonder why they keep attracting the people they do. Genuinely nice guys and girls will do things for others out of the simple pleasure of giving. They don't expect love or attention for a gift. They will not force anyone into a relationship or keep score of all the things they've done for you.The Nice Guy/Girl Syndrome doesn't only hurt the NGs and their victims, it impacts all of us. NGs frequently blame the other person for the end of the relationship, saying things like, "you never appreciated all the things I did for you!" and "no one could ever love you the way I did!", implying that the other person is a difficult person to love. A guy who dates a few Nice Girls may become cynical. A girl who dates a few Nice Guys may close her heart. The rest of us in the dating pool will have a harder time getting close to these people emotionally because they have been burned so badly. Sometimes, the victims of NGs start to enjoy the nonstop devotion and become the users we all have to watch out for.The key to overcoming NG Syndrome is loving yourself. Once you appreciate yourself for the good person you are, NG Syndrome will never get a toehold in your life.Good luck out there.
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male
reader, biggdawg1979 +, writes (10 September 2010):
This hit home for me. I was recently in a relationship that was fairly new. I began playing the NG and it ended up playing a role in the downfall of our relationship. What I didn't understand was women want to have some space. They don't want men to dependent on them. The NG is always dependent on the other persons happiness. Buying someone something or giving them something is not the answer. Women want their men to be strong, confident, and independent. These are characteristic that are very lacking in the NG's. I am constantly trying to work on those issues, while trying to repair the relationship that I lost because of it. The worst thing a NG could do is to over compensate and become one of the may asshole's out there. This is not the answer. We all just need to accept who we are and be happy with ourselves. When this happens our relationships will be much better and healthier.
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (22 October 2009):
 I was a nice girl. I didn't see my wrong way until my husband left me. It was the most painful experience of my life but then I learned so much from it.
I had no boundries and was a doormat.
After 2 years of being completely alone, I learn to love myself for the person that I am.
The funny thing, is I have a male roomate who is such a nice guy. I often ask myself why am I not attracted to him.
And it's obvious, because you're article is 110% accurate.
I don't want a needy/clingly man.
And I am learning not to be that needy/clingly woman.
I cannot not blame anyone anymore but take full responsibility for my thinking and actions.
everyday, I am stronger. Building a backbone. standing up for myself and not afraid to speak my mind.
Something that I was not raised and taught to do.
...............................
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