A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a lesbian relationship with my girlfriend for 14 months now, its actually a wonderful relationship but it has its problems. My gf and I are both in the closet about our relationship to coworkers and family. A couple of my friends know but no one other than her two female ex gf know. I know being in the closet can be stressful especially if family lives in your city and ur parents visits a lot, like in my girlfriends case. I try to respect and back away during times she's with her sisters or visiting parents. Sometimes I fail to hold up bc I feel neglected and lonely which makes me want to be somewhere where I'll be wanted. I expressed this rejection and loneliness to her but being in the closet she'll only come out so far. Make matters worst its a long distance relationship, so I see her every 2 or 3 months. Sucks...especially when ur intimate....going so long without seeing and holding that special person. When we go out in public, she acts find....even bumping me closely. She's never walking behind me or far apart. And the only time she may get behind me is to check out my rack. It's a difficult relationship, but I faithfully love her. She has mentioned that I should move in with her. But my thing is, I really want her to myself. I don't want to have to pretend and lie to her ppl. They're ministers for crying out loud. It's awkward lying to a pastor n sleeping with his daughter. I kind of have more respect than that n I don't want to be in that predicament. I would rather us both move together to a place bout 3 or 4 hours from her family. That way we wouldn't worry about someone popping up or having a key to let themselves in. I don't broadcast my sexual orientation but if I do become comfortable and trusting of a friend I'll let them know. My girlfriend and I do show some pda in public. I guess what I'm getting to is I'm getting tired. I'm tired of being away from her for days while her family visits. I'm tired of being lonely and feeling isolated. I'm tired of not having her at my fingertips to cuddle and love at night. I'm also confused bc we're both the youngest in our family but she live in the same city as her sisters and her parents are alive and still together and visits her frequently. My mom died 4 years ago after being married to my abusive dad for 25 years and I live two and a half hours from any of my relatives. All I have is ex's, coworkers and friends here. I'm not sure if I'm secretly envious of her family closeness. All I know for sure is I try to make her family and at times it hurt bc she has never spent a holiday with me....no thanksgiving, college graduation, Christmas, New Years, Valentine Day, Birthday. Did I mention I never got a gift either on any holiday. So it sucks n it hurts. I gave her gifts. I go back n forth weighing the benefits. And I really do want more...and I want her to give it. I try to be there for her with everything I have, and I almost never miss a phone call. I need some feedback bc it could be all minor issues or it could be the deep in the closet issue or it could be my neglect is turning into jealousy. Help
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 September 2011):
 You have already taken the important first step of telling those you trust about your sexuality (which is no one's business but your own - but you now feel comfortable enough to trust them and share more with them).And I am happy that you and your girlfriend (gf) are able to share happiness together.She must admire you for taking that next step of being open about your sexuality. It is no one else's business but your own, but it is also great when you feel such love and acceptance of yourself and of your sexuality, and have good reliable friends who you trust, that you can do this. Now you are encouraging her and seeking from her the same open acceptance of her own sexuality, and the courage to be truthful to you, her lover, as well as her family.She knows her family very very well. This is where she has a problem. Continue to talk to her. Encourage her to build the courage to face the truth. But do not compromise your happiness forever.An aspect I found disturbing is her lack of empathy and trust towards you about gifts. Is she worried that giving you a gift and a loving card, with her writing on the card, could mean that one day you will have proof of her love for you? That she enjoys you, but is not completely committed enough to trust you? And is her lack of reciprocity indicating that? Because her fear of telling her family, and facing their attitudes, and demolishing a lie about her, is too terrifying for her to face? That her first loyalty is not to you, as it should be. Yet as her partner, even in a LDR, and considering that you are both adults, (i am assuming the latter - because your post implied that) then her first loyalty should be her partner (you) first, and her family second. She is missing out on the peace and calm of open acceptance of her sexuality and conveying that towards those she loves and can trust.Many times people think that 'others' cannot be told/do not know/will reject them or be horrified.But in truth the biggest problem your gf has is with herself. And her own acceptance of who she is. And she may even be concerned about getting confidential counselling about this if she lives in a small community where her family are well known.But she may benefit from some counselling just to accept her for who she is.Many more people than she realises probably already do know, or surmise the truth. But out of respect for her, say nothing.The other troubling aspect is no holidays together? That is just plain mean. See all the above and sit down and tell your gd how painful the 'being apart' is, how painful to not get the acceptance that she could give you in front of others who you both trust. How painful that you don't get to share public acceptance of the relationship at the least with family you trust. Tell her how important it is to you. Because if you can plan a life together more openly it will give both of you peace.I do realise some privacy is important - some people shrink from acceptance that your choice is a valid choice. And those people and their prejudices are not helpful.But how much longer will she stay in the closet when it comes to telling her own family? And about recognizing you as important to her in her life, in front of her own family? Of sharing family occasions and receiving and giving presents and being accepted in front of her own family?Don't suffer in silence forever.She may well be the 'one' to you. However you need more than occasional intimacy and meet, greet, see, and goodbye.You are the one proposing a compromise so that the two of you can live together. So clearly she is important to you.If she will not consider these things then sadly, you may need to re-think this relationship. It is you who seems to have to do so much compromising in this relationship.I wish you all the very very best with this.And by the way I work with a lady who is a lesbian and does not live with her partner. She told me that she preferred woman when she broke down in tears and talked over one of her break ups with me. She trusted she could tell me and that was several years before she told others at work. So she knew I kept it to myself until she was ready to tell others. This same girl I work with is very close to her own family. And has never taken a gf to meet her own family, despite the fact that she visits the family of her gf. And she has never wanted to to bring any of her past gf/s nor her present partner to any work events and has never allowed her mother to meet any of girlfriends. Even her previous partner, (a girl who has since left the workplace and is in a new openly 'out' lesbian relationship) were not open about it. And it is sad that she feels unable to share it - but it is not our role to say 'psst, X, we all know. We all accept it. It's ok by all of us. Hope you are both happy.'So it is not unusual to be guarded. But it must make life hard to be so guarded.Do what is right for you to ensure your own long term happiness and your own peace and harmony and acceptance of who you are.And in any relationship look at your partners Actions, not just their words, to determine where their real loyalties are. Actions tell you so much about the true situation.Best wishes to you
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