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male
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*M12347
writes: I am a 58 year old man. Been married 3 times. The current marriage has lasted 17 years. About 4 years ago I met a woman online who turned out to be the woman I have always wanted to be with. We are truly soul mates. However, when I asked my wife for a divorce she went ballistic. I felt so guilty about trying to dump her. She actually has no family and is highly dependent on me. Anyway, two years ago I left my wife and moved in with the new woman. I kept in contact with my wife, mostly to keep her calm and be a friend to her. But she made me feel so guilty about leaving that I jave since returned home, and then left again, two more times. Now my girlfriend is the one who's hurt and I still feel guilty. Why am I such a jerk about relationships?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2006): I agree with the other advice you have been given on this page so I wou't repeat the same. But I want to add my two cents as to what you should do. There is nothing that can be done to appease the gf, right now. Your wife has emotional problems stemming from the pain of losing you. The best thing you can do is stop being her friend and allow her to face that pain. Instead of running off to this other woman, get a divorce and go it alone for awhile. But before you do, you are still her husband (ending the marriage is a totally separate issue) and you have a moral obligation to make sure she is cared for in therapy. I am not saying you have to continue the marriage. Instead, you have to meet a husband’s obligation toward his wife with respect to her safety. Once you know she's on her feet, she's strong and she's safe, then I think you should cut the ties and move on. But you need to move out and do this from afar. Because remaining with your wife and that is giving her a sense of false hope. At present, you are remaining with her out of pity not love. Realize that a relationship that has guilt and pity as major components, will not last. It's just a matter of time and you will be leaving anyways. There is no way to ease that pain. but perhaps you can help your wife regain her footing. Your wife sounds like she has dependency disorder and she doesn't know how to resolve her impending loneliness. I understand you are unhappy and dissatisfied and you have another love waiting for you, in the wings. But I do feel you are obligated to'clean up' the hurt and devastation you have caused your wife through your unthinking behaviours. In a nutshell, the extent of your unhappiness does not dissolve your obligations to your wife. Tell your gf, you have an obligation to ensuring your wife is healthy again, but move out and help your wife, from afar. It will be your gf's decision as to whether she wants to wait this out. Make sure your wife is back on her feet, emotionally and then break the connection. You can do this by being honest with her about your feelings, no matter how hard it is for her to accept. You and her get into some counseling in order for her to learn healthy coping methods, of your imminent departure.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2006): What a sad man you are. You kept in touch with your wife because her needing you sroked your ego. Just as your girlfriend feeling hurt actually satisfies you in some way as well. You need help, help in understanding why you need to feel needed.
You shouldn't worry about either woman survivng without you, they'll do just fine. Your wife would have healed and moved on if you hadn't been in the way and your girlfriend will recover eventually as she hasn't got quite so many years invested in the relationship.
You need to concentrate on yourself, if you don't work out why you are not satisfied within your relationships this pattern will repeat itself over and over again. I truly feel sorry for all of you..,
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (26 May 2006):
 I don't know why you're a jerk in your relationships, but you're at least right about one point: you are a jerk in your relationships. Your lack of integrity with women generally shows weakness of character. It's undisciplined and it's unfair to your wife.
One thing you haven't written, per se, but which comes through clearly, is that you met your latest online babe while you were *married* to your *third wife*. (rolls eyes) This suggests to me that you're one of those people who is never quite happy in your relationships, and have convinced yourself that it's OK to shop around for a girlfriend, regardless of your current marital status.
Red flag, dear. Big. Red. Flag.
Cast your mind back to those 1989 marriage vows. Remember the phrase "forsaking all others"?
If your current wife were to post her side of the question on this site, I'd write to her, "You might as well give the man his divorce. He obviously has no respect for you. He's an inveterate cheater, and if it gives you any satisfaction, you can be sure that he'll cheat on his 'soulmate' eventually, too."
OK, all right. I'm finished scolding you now. But what did you expect?
You probably should give your wife time to accept that a divorce is inevitable. Depending on where you live (speak to a legal advisor locally) there are probably statutes that automatically dissolve your union after a certain period, provided you start your legal divorce proceedings. In other words, she can't force you to stay married. If you don't love her, and you don't want to be married, you should allow her to be free, and to start rebuilding her life.
Your soon-to-be-ex-wife is a grown woman, and she can learn to take care of herself, so you shouldn't stick around just because she's making you feel guilty. Among other problems, it also gives the impression that you're still interested.
Then it's time for you to do some major soul-searching. Did you think your current wife was your "soulmate" when you married her? What changed? Can you really put your hand over your heart and swear that you won't cheat on your next "soulmate" when you get bored? Why or why not? Support your answer with examples from the text.
I highly recommend talking to a professional, who can help you understand why you can't be happy with a single relationship, because those who don't understand (their) history are doomed to repeat it.
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