A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was with my ex for nine years. We lived together for the last two. In many ways the relationship was amazing, he was my bestfriend and inspired me to be a better person. However, like in most relationships, there were problems too, there were just days I felt we were so dead in the water. For so many years I wanted so badly for him ask him to marry him and make the commitment of forever with me. I think if he'd known how much I wanted him to, he would've done it...but I didn't vocalize it because I wanted him to feel the same way without me having to beg for it. Over time, I was so hurt by his unwillingness/lack of excitement to take the plunge into marriage, I opted to move out. That was about four months ago. I like being on my own now, Im taking the time to take care of myself. But, most days, I still feel an incredible sense of loss and sadness...that my life isn't as bright because he's gone...and Im the reason why he's gone from my life.I've been on dates with others, one in particular is a really great guy, he's been so good to me and made me feel very special. But, it's not taking away the sadness that I feel. Sometimes it almost intensifies it.Am I just still in a grieving process, or did I just make a huge mistake?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): You do not detail the other problems you have had in this relationship and how critical they were. Depending on the importance of these problems and how easily superable they are, we might advise you to return to vocalise what has been disturbing you during the time you were together (be it for closure). You also omit to say what you think has blocked him from committing to you - comodity, doubt, indifference, perhaps? How did you justify your leaving? Is he aware of your true reasons? One of the most common mistakes in relationships, is the concealment of things that incommode one, thinking or hoping the partner can anticipate them or simply "realise." Sometimes you need to pluck his sleeve and show him what exactly needs correction, or at least a closer look; this is applicable to both partners. You talk very beautifully of him and if his opinion of you is similar, maybe you should discuss openly and see what can be done in this respect. Your reason is well grounded, only the manner you have put up with this issue leaves a bit to be desired. Be prepared for a negative. You may need to accept the best closure is the one you give yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Only you can answer the questions that you have asked. It's obvious that you are still in love with this man and mourning the relationship. Did you make a mistake? Who can say? It's apparent that marriage wasn't all that important to him. It was so important to you that you moved on. Was it worth throwing away 9 years? You'll have to search your soul for that answer. A couple who I am good friends with just tied the knot after 17 years together. Sometimes people are just not in a rush, especially young people like yourself. Maybe he just wasn't ready. Maybe he had commitment issues and would never have asked. Either way, it's hard to believe a serious discussion on the subject was never had in 9 years. I would have had that discussion before giving up on something I had so much invested in.
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