A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are in a LDR. We are planning to move in together next year. I will move to his State.I'm visiting him this week as it's his birthday. Last night, we went out to a birthday dinner with a group of his friends. In the group is this girl that he's always been a bit flirty with (such as bickering, playful poking and tapping each other etc). She was there with her boyfriend who is also part of our group of friends. Once she arrives she went to sit next to my boyfriend and he starts to get food for her. (He said she asked him to, but I was paying attention and never heard her ask). Even so, she should've asked her boyfriend, not my boyfriend. So, because my boyfriend was being such a gentleman in getting her food, I got up and got food for her boyfriend. My boyfriend gave me a dirty look as if to say 'What the heck are you doing?'. Then through out the night they are playfully bickering again. She also made him a scarf with his name on it for his birthday..... then when we were eating, she reached over and picked food off his plate. He was drinking a martini and she reached into his glass and took his cheeries and ate it. Toward the end of the dinner, my boyfriend and I were sharing a piece of cake and she reached over with her fork to take some. All this time Im staring st my boyfriend hopinh he'd tell her to stop it but he said nothing. Her boyfriend said nothing as well, but its always been clear that she wears the pants in that relationship, her boyfriend only obeys. To top off the night, we were all sitting there chit chatting at the end if the meal, my boyfriend reaches over to hold my hand and kind of tub my lap. She saw that and commented to him asking why he's doing that.. He mumbles 'I don't know, what's wrong' and then shortly removes his hand from mine and my lap. I was mad... to which later he said he moved his hand cuz he was done, not because she said something. Last but not least.. she asks him when we're gunna move together, his answer was 'not for a long time'. I was furious. He said he didn't want to tell her and it was his B.S. response to her. I don't believe that. I told him that she is NOT that way with anyone else, whether the guy is single or in a relationship. I told him he can't let her do that and has to be firm and let her know. She feels his vibe and if she thinks he likes it, she will continue doing it. I told him it has to stop and it's very disrespectful to me as I'm sitting right there. Who knows to what extent she goes when I'm not there? Am I over reacting to this situation?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 November 2015):
 Your "B/F" is testing just how far he can go - behaving as he darn-well knows ISN'T O.K. - before you comment. That can (likely?) will give him ideas on what he can do - when you are out of sight - until you are with him.... nearby... and he will have to behave better.....
Take him aside and tell him: "Hunchy-Bunchy, if you think that your behaviour (at that get-together) was OK.... and if you think that I will tolerate it.... then you are sadly mistaken.... since I am not going to be your girl if I have to compete with "her." Make a choice - now - and plan to stand by it. As of NOW, you are on "probation." Do you understand, Hunchy-Bunchy?"
That should give him an idea of where he stands with you..
Good luck....
P.S. My alternate answer is: "Dump him...."
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 November 2015):
I think you have a valid complaint but the question is why your boyfriend needs prompting by your indignation anyway? Surely he should have known that this was inappropriate behaviour. I would have found her extremely irritating if she’d behaved like that way towards me throughout the night, especially being so indiscrete when he tried to hold your hand. What’s it to her whether he holds your hand or not? I have a funny feeling that your boyfriend may not be the most confrontational of people. IF this girl is domineering towards her own boyfriend, I’m quite sure she can be exactly the same towards her friends. IT doesn’t sound like your boyfriend encouraged her but rather tolerated her, probably to avoid a scene. The question you have to ask is what’s bothering you: her behaviour, or not trusting him? Does it wind you up that she flirted so overtly with him and might do so more when you’re not around? Or does it wind you up that you think he’s actually welcoming of those advances? That makes a difference. If the latter, I can tell you from years of experience on this site that distance and trust issues make an unfortunate combination that is best escaped. If the former, I think you should talk to him about the fact that you aren’t comfortable around this girl. Tell him that you expect to see him more forcefully rejecting her flirting so that she gets the message. IF he holds your hand, he should tell her when she asks that it’s because he wants to. He should tell her own boyfriend to get her food. As for asking about your plans to move together, again I think he was probably trying to get off the subject but he did so in a silly way. Advise him that a better put down would have been to say that you would do so as soon as possible and how much you were both looking forward to it. If he gives her nothing in the way of encouragement, unwittingly or otherwise, and if you can sit quietly and ignore it, she’ll soon get bored. I think this girl’s trying to wind you up: whether it’s because she likes him or just for amusement I’ve no idea. Also ask him to minimise the occasions you all have to go out together if he’s not going to confront her, because no-one should have to sit there with some-one this annoying swooning over their man when I imagine you both see the time you get to spend together as precious at the moment. Perhaps agree a compromise if he wants to get together: alternative visits, for instance.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2015):
 I would have some serious second thoughts about moving ALL the way to his state, if he thinks his/her behavior is OK. And from what you write... "In the group is this girl that he's always been a bit flirty with" this may be HOW they are with each other... and I get some banter and playfulness among friends - that is ALL good... but...
She is FULLY aware of what she is doing. She was in basic terms "asserting" her "ownership" over him - the fact that she has known him longer? maybe than you. That she is higher in the hierarchy than you.
Basically she was showing that SHE is more important to him than you. And your BF is loving this because she is rubbing his ego. That is why he hasn't told her off. He doesn't want her to stop. HE is getting SOMETHING out of this. I doubt he is as oblivious as he pretends to be. No guy is THAT dense.
The eating his food, taking the cherry and even digging into the SHARED cake between YOU and your BF - I mean a friends wouldn't do that. Not without asking. Someone who has an agenda (and this girl does) will. She sees you as the "competition".
How do you think he would feel if he was visiting you and a MALE friend of yours were doing all this with/to you? He would be SURE you were cheating or MAD and him AND you. I would ask him - how would you feel if I was this flirty and close with a guy friend? See what he says.
How often do you two spend WITH each other? And how long have you know each other?
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