A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I help to make this LDR work? I met a guy a month ago and he moved too fast with his feelings. I hesitated to date him at first because I have tried two LDRs that failed because the first one I wasn't really in love and the second one basically used me and i hated the clingy needy feeling.That relationship taught me so many things I should avoid doing in my next relationship. One is to let a man be a man and stop initiating or planning how to meet or dates and secondly is to not be clingy.This guy is not helping me at all. He is complaining about things like when will I change my profile pic to him or I don't have time for him. He is talking marriage and he is already in love. I like him a lot and I believe his feelings are genuine for some reason. But I am just not there. Even when I get there, my heart is so stone-cold from my last heartbreak that I will like the guy to prove he really loves me and that may take a while. I am taking my time to get to know him but he's moving to fast and I hate to hurt his feelings. I don't want to lose him. What should I do?Is it me that is bad in communicating and how do I fix this problem. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is definitely going to move here. I'm not moving and made that very clear. He doesn't have a problem moving, his business has actually been between the Netherlands and the US so the move will benefit him.
What I'm not sure about is myself. I'm feeling like I'm mean and cold for some reason. It's not because of him. I just feel like my last relationship made me stone cold. If I'm indeed not warming I don't see him liking me for the long run. I just wanted to know if this new ways of mine of been aloof and non chalant is good for a relationship. I question if my behavior depictsthat I may not be ready.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is definitely going to move here. I'm not moving and made that very clear. He doesn't have a problem moving, his business has actually been between the Netherlands and the US so the move will benefit him.
What I'm not sure about is myself. I'm feeling like I'm mean and cold for some reason. It's not because of him. I just feel like my last relationship made me stone cold. If I'm indeed not warming I don't see him liking me for the long run. I just wanted to know if this new ways of mine of been aloof and non chalant is good for a relationship. I question if my behavior depictsthat I may not be ready.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 July 2014):
 since you have met and will continue to meet... and you like him... just tell him to table any talk of love or marriage for at least a year...
who would be moving in case it does work out? you can't be LDR forever....
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A
female
reader, Mistresskiki  +, writes (25 July 2014):
Still a LOT of alarm bells; if you were happy with his, and what he is doing, you wouldn't be posting questions here.He sounds awfully pushy and for me, of you are still unsure, that is not good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually we have met. We hit it off right away. It was a double date with my friend and his girl. He is my friend's friend. I was shocked we hit it off so soon like we've known each other for years then his vacation was over and he had to leave. I tried to forget him as I didn't want a LDR but he's been super persistent. He says he knows what he wants and its me he wants. He is so sure. In the beginning I did tell him he was moving too fast so he only slowed down on the sweet talks but still calls everyday. We have never missed a day even if it's a short 5 mins chat or call.He's planning to come by soon. I'm sure when he comes I will fall for him more in person and I don't want to be needy or clingy when I fall in love.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 July 2014):
I’ve done LDR and made it work (we are now married and NOT LDR).
I wrote about how to decide if the relationship is worth it or not:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-my-long-distance-relationship-worth-it.html
You met a guy a month ago. Have you MET in real life yet? IF not then I would run for the hills at this point as he’s not only moving too fast he’s inappropriate as well. M If it’s been a month and you have not met yet… and you are a car drive apart, why have you not met.
If you are waiting for him to suggest meeting and he has not, then he’s wasting your time.
IF you have met and you really like him then you still have issues with this guy… and it still may not be wise to continue to invest time in it.
“when will I change my profile pic to him or I don't have time for him.”
Let’s start here…. WHY in the world would YOU change your profile picture to a picture of HIM? It’s YOUR profile. RED FLAG #1 (BTW what profile does he refer to?)
Secondly “don’t have time for me?” When you are LDR you have to work harder to have a connection…. However you still have your own life.. When we were LDR I needed more contact than my then boyfriend. We TALKED about it and I said I need some sort of daily contact… NOT much but something daily. We came up with a plan… we had daily contact but some days it was only 3 minutes out of the total day. I am not sure how much of your time and attention he is requesting but if you have regular contact then he may be overly needy. (RED FLAG #2)
IF he is talking about love and marriage after a 4 week LDR then he’s probably not really able to figure out how to have a real relationship. His talk of love and marriage if you have not met is totally over the top and inappropriate. RED FLAG #3
Have you told HIM he is moving too fast? Why or why not? If you have what has he said?
I see three big red flags already without your answers…
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A
female
reader, fayechris07  +, writes (24 July 2014):
 Actually you can help yourself solve the problem with this guy about your condition, you just have to trust your isntincts and try to understand him.But off course you must always trust yourself first too,if you really love him dont make any hesitatioons, just believe in him in all what he says because youve entered a relationship which you knew its rare.But just have faith onto yourself and to him.And if you have chances to meet each other in person it would be more powerfull for you both to know each other well. So in that cases you will know if he loves you too.
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A
female
reader, Mistresskiki +, writes (24 July 2014):
You, yourself, use phrases like "he's moving too fast", and "He is complaining ......".
Sound to me that you are not comfortable with HIS needyness by the very fact you are asking about it.
While I can appreciate that you like this chap a lot, it sounds very strange that he is talking about marriage and yet barely knows you, and you barely know HIM.
Also, while I can appreciate that you could well have been 'needy' yourself in a previous relationship, that is no good reason to give up all control over when and where you meet, etc. You are an adult, not a child!
If it was me in your position, I would REALLY question the fact that this chap is quite SO eager for marriage, etc. Don't put his needs before your own; if you need to slow things down and assess the situation then do it. A relationship is, after all, based on what BOTH parties want and need and come to some sort of compromise. It isn't healthy to put the other person's needs more than 50% of the time, imo.
You have your own life, and he has his, regardless of whether you are single, married, live close by or 1000km apart.
If you are;'t there, you aren't there and you shouldn't feel under pressure to 'be there' just because he wants you to be. What happens if, 5 years down the line you still aren't there, yet allowed yourself to be railroaded into a committed relationship? Far easier to gain some degree of control now.
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