A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Id really appreciate if you could all read this and help me...im sorry for the length of it but please help me! Im desperate!!!I really dont know what to do anymore...Im in a LDR, have been now for 2 and a half years and my bf is amazing. Unfortunately we both have problems.I'll start with myself...Im on alot of medication (7 pills I take is to do with me having PCOS and the other 2 is about depression, which if im honest isnt enough as i am getting worse) but i also need therapy as my thinking is ridiculous. My self esteam is none existant, im paranoid about my boyfriends thoughts and feelings towards other girls im incredibly insecure bla bla bla....my first appointment for this is on monday.My boyfriend....he hasnt really been much of a help, hes more one to snap at me rather than comfort me yet for some reason i adore him and id be lost without him but he really doesnt give me the attention i want (but thats also the issue there cuz its what I WANT which maybe isnt realistic idk.)Anyways...I cant help but partly blame myself here but my bf is depressed now. The past few weeks he's got worse and he hates life and doesnt care. Well I usually talk to him everyday but his internet broke and the last I talked to him was Wednesday until today and omg I need help.He like started off ok and we talked about this one subject nothing huge then he snapped and told me to go fuck myself and kept saying watever and idk what happened. I started shaking and ive been crying now for the past hour and a half and cant seem to stop, Ive been physically sick twice already and I dont know how to help him...he said he doesnt care about anybody or anything anymore and I even said do u want me and he said I dont want anything anymore. I know its the depression talking but I feel soo unwanted and so unloved at this moment and I want to help him soo badly but I dont know how.I told him I have enough money to be on a flight monday (miss my own appointments) and come be with him which of couse he refused and was like I have classes and work wtc and Im not sure...how can I deal with this? how can I help him?He does have a doctors appointment but its not until the 18th!! This feels like such a long time...he's changed so much in 2 days, especially towards me. I dont want to lose him, and it hurts that he's feeling and acting this way. I want to help him but I dont know how and the down side is someone can easily suggest just not talking to him so often but I rely on talking to him everyday as for some reason its a comfort to me and it makes me happier knowing he's there and ok i guess and ergh help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): i just wish my LDR girlfriend would come and see me, its been 3 years now !!
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 April 2011):
Hi there. Your depression is not really being successfully controlled, is it? You have said this yourself.
So with that being the case, you are certainly not in a position to help anyone else at all.
To fly there to see him serves no purpose, whatsoever.
A major part of the problem you both have, is the fact you are in a relationship where you don't see each other at all basically.
LDR's are not regular relationships, where you would expect to see each other at least once or twice a week, on average. You would be going out to nice places and having fun together.
Depending on the distance of this relationship, it's probably not an option to see each other because of the expense of flying. So if you do see each other at all, it's maybe once every few months or even less!
It's virtually impossible to sustain an LDR for very long. It's just way too lonely. I believe that loneliness is what you are both feeling. Two and half years is a lot of loneliness. No wonder your depression has got worse. It's not at all surprising.
Now not only are you depressed, but your LDR boyfriend is also! So two very depressed people together. You are not exactly cheering each other up, are you?
It's amazing the relationship has lasted this long!
Unless you can figure out a way to be together more often - or at all - eventually, it will just fizzle out altogether.
It almost sounds like that time has come now.
I'm guessing that you are a few states apart, not just 1 or 2 hours, is that so?
If you both wish to return to good health again and to be genuinely happy with your lives, there needs to be a way one of you moves so at the very least you are in the same state.
Otherwise, the relationship is doomed.
LDR's are very challenging to keep going, when the only form of communication is Facebook, or other chat sites via the internet. Perhaps an occasional phone call, but long distance calls can become pretty pricey as well. There needs to be so much more than just electronic communication.
You and him have some big decisions to make about the future of your relationship.
There is however, another option. When you both have some holidays due to you one of you could go and stay at the other's house for 2 weeks. That way you can see how you get along and how good the relationship really is - once you are together all the time. That would be a good test for it.
You could also see if you both feel the relationship is worth salvedging.
In any case, a decision needs to be made about whether to continue with the LDR or not. Sooner rather than later.
Once you both decide, either way you can then move on with your lives. It does sound like to break up is your best option.
That is, unless one of you can afford to move to be with the other.
But as it stands, the LDR has very little chance of surviving for very much longer. It is already showing strains, there are cracks in the walls everywhere!
To persevere with trying to make the LDR work, is putting a huge strain on both of you. You both need to seriously consider whether it's all worth it.
Is it worth ruining your health over?
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