A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. I'm facing a really difficult situation right now.I have been in a long distance relationship for over 6 months now. When me and my boyfriend started dating, things were really great and I really felt in love.However, with time, my feelings have been changing. The fact that we live far from each other doesn't seem to help either.I've been thinking of breaking up with him for as long as I can remember, because I don't feel it's the same way anymore. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and that he will never stop but I just don't feel the same way.It doesn't help that we have to make a lot of serious discussions through the phone. When I go to see him it's only for a few days and that's not enough to understand what I really want and clear my feelings.I have told him about my doubts thousands of times, and he keeps telling me to be patient and that we'll work things out and it'll be the same way again. I've beein putting up with this because he's a nice guy and I don't want to break his heart, but it's gotten to the point where the thought of me being with him is something I like to avoid thinking of. I know it's terrible of me, and I should speak up, but I can't seem to do that because he will always tell me to just hang on for a little longer so he can "fix" things.I don't think he really understands what I'm trying to tell him. He believes it's all going to be alright if we talk about my problems and we solve them, but I keep telling him that it doesn't only have to do with my problems, but also with the way I am feeling and that is not directly connected to my anxieties.The worst thing is, he just called me today to tell me he had booked tickets to come and see me next week. I was thinking of going to him to break the news to him and tell him that I don't think it's working out, but since he booked the tickets I can't do anything at all right now.And I certainly cannot tell him to cancel them, because he went through a lot trouble to get them. I'm not that bad of a person. We had a long conversation through the phone today and I told him that I am still not sure and I need time to figure out exactly what I want to do, but he is sure that I am going to decide that being with him is the best option, and that he is going to make me change my mind about leaving him. He says that's why he's coming over to see me.But I really am not comfortable with the thought of keeping my feelings to myself while he is here, because it would completely cruel of me to tell him I want to break up while he is here. He will be staying at my house and he has no money for hotel or anything. I really don't know what to do. I know I brought this upon myself but we all make mistakes. I'm pretty sure I want to break up and start over, but just how and when am I going to do that? His birthday is on 13th and I can't do it then for sure. Something or the other always comes up and I can never get myself to tell him clearly I want out. I even feel attracted to some other guy I've met, but I feel guilty for feeling that way and I try to drown every single thought that includes him. I just can't help it.Please, try to help me and give me advice on what to do. I know I'm facing a dead end but there's no one to talk to it about it and I really don't think I can do this on my own. I feel miserable in this relationship, but I cannot make him miserable as well by telling him right when he comes here, after all the trouble he's been through for me. Thank you, I would very much appreaciate your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): Your wrong about this being a difficult situation: its actually an incredibly easy situation. If you don't feel the same way, then it is best to move on. It's not a good enough reason to stay with someone merely because you feel sorry for them or because you dont want to hurt them. Hardly anyone who ends a relationship does so because they *want* to hurt the person they are ending things with. Pain is part of the process, but things always heal in time.
You are emotionally cheating this guy anyway and if he were ever to find out the truth that would hurt him a lot more. You also say that if you try and end it he will say something like 'hang on, i will 'fix' it'? Let me tell you, nothing is going to change! I just ended a relationship with a man who used almost identical words whenever I told him how I felt about our relationship. It made little difference and my frustration grew as my feelings declined.
The problem is that you are not in the right mind set to even consider 'changes for the better'. The relationship is long distance, you hardly see each other, you talk about important things through the phone...where is your big fulfilling future together? Its only been six months and this is how you feel. My opinion is that you just aren't getting enough time together to 'gel' your relationship. As a woman, you need that physical closeness to get emotionally close with someone. If your not seeing enough of them, then it is hard for emotion - real emotion - to develop. You are still young, and there are lots of great guys out there that can spend time with you in the real world. I dont think it was genuine love in the first place, i think it was just hope that the feeling and sentiment would grow in time. I have been there - the best decision is for you to both move on. You clearly aren't happy together but you can be with other people. Good luck with everything!
A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 When he comes to stay, tell him you are having a lot of doubts about the relationship. Tell him you want to try to talk about and solve the problems while he is there, and then make your decision whether you want to stay together or not on the day/night before he goes home. That way you'll have a chance to make a clear decision and there won't be any awkward time spent with him in the house after the relationship is over.
Maybe you just lost your spark and sometimes just doing something special can bring that spark back. And if that doesn't happen then you'll know to end it =]
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