A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a dilemma I hope somebody can help me with. My partner and are both 61. We've been together 4yrs and are now engaged. The problem is that we live 35 miles apart and I am the one who does all the travelling. This is due to the fact that my widowed partners youngest son is still only 11yrs old. My partners wife died when the boy was only 5. This left my partner with two teenagers at the time, and the little boy. He is very over protective of this child but I grin and bear it as I know my partner is struggling and doing his best. I am very tired of all the travelling I have to do, packing a suitcase every weekend etc. and my partner knows this. He wants me to go and live at his house, but he has absolutely no intention of moving nearer to me. He expects me to just give up my 61 years of life in my home town and move in with him, his furnishings, his taste, his routine, his life and just fit in with it all. There's no question of looking for another house together and each selling our own. This of course all stems from him wanting to maintain stability for his little boy. This will also increase my journey to my part time job to a staggering 80 mile round trip 3 days a week. It's just not worth it.It doesn't help that I don't like the area of the country where my partner lives. He has a lovely house that he has proudly done up since his wife died and the immediate area is okay, but I just can't see myself being happy in such a built up area. Where I live is semi rural and I really love the countryside.On top of all this; I own my own house and still have my youngest son and his girlfriend living in it. My oldest son already lives in Australia and I don't want to effectively lose my younger son as well (by moving away).Having said all that my partner and I are very happy together and we have a lot in common but we're both bugged by all these issues connected to our lives. Given a free choice we would both up sticks and move to a lovely area together. The annoying part is that my partner lives in his late wifes home town and he doesn't like it either! I keep telling him it's his big chance to leave, but he won't because of the childs education despite he hasn't started secondary school yet.I absolutely do not know what to do and would be interested to listen to any of your suggestions. I feel that time is passing us by and I have to make some sort of a descision. I don't think I can carry on living in a suitcase for too much longer. Next year is actually my state retirement (UK) and I am wondering whether I ought to just throw caution to the wind and go and live with him then or whether it would be a big mistake.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 April 2014):
 OP, it's not that I want to challenge your right to feel unsettled about anything you want,.. I am just curious, since I can't exactly figure out what the problem is. You go reach a guy you like and care about. You already have there half of your belongings, and can bring more I suppose. If you miss your friends or your son, well you have phone and computer also at your bf's and can stay connected with them even if not in person. So what is exactly that you are leaving behind and miss every weekend ?... maybe a pet that you can't bring along ?..
Or it's just those little things like being able to sleep in your own bed, or showering in YOUR shower, etc. , or that there's more greenery around your house...? I understand that one can miss things like these, man ( an woman ) is a creature of habit, for me for instance being able to get my morning coffee in THAT particular coffee shop downstairs is a big deal , without it the day does not seem to start QUITE right :).... but, after all, if you were considering picking up sticks and move at his, you were prepared to leave all those things behind for good, and not just 2 days a week, isn't that worse ?.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): Thank you so much for all your very valuable opinions, I greatly appreciate them. Overall you say the same thing; stay where you are and have the best of both worlds. I'm sure you're all right. I think there will eventually come a 'natural' time when we will both know for certainty what to do. As some of you said, 35 miles is not very far, but it's the unsettling aspect of uprooting myself every weekend that's the problem. I actually already have half my belongings at my partners house. Since reading your comments I have broached the subject of my going to his house less often. He wasn't too happy about it but I think it's the best thing for me to do.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 April 2014):
 P.S.
Has he met your son and his girlfriend that live with you, and do they get on? Could be he doesn't want to come to you because of them, re privacy or whatever
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 April 2014):
I can understand why this man is putting the child first, he has already lost his mum. At 11 he is still going to be around and a consideration for quite a few more years too.
Its hard to meet men as you get older, probably never an easy situation either as both sides will have a life behind them and still with them. Children, grandchildren, friends a home and job.
You have a home, independence and a man for the weekends, pretty ideal situation in a lot of women's eyes. If you don't want to travel 35miles,(which isn't far at all), to see him then go every 2nd weekend. Get him to sort childcare sometimes so you can have a romantic break together.He is being stubborn in that he won't come to you for an occassional weekend, it wouldn't harm or unsettle the son.
However moving is not going to happen so you offer up the choices for the weekends and if he won't budge.. finish it.
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (11 April 2014):
Hi,
I would keep things as they are for the moment. In all fairness, I don't think 35 miles is a lot to do every weekend. As things stand, you get the best of both worlds. Don't sell your house for the moment. Don't move in with him.
See how things go for the next year.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 April 2014):
 I come from a background where we moved every few years. Before starting university, I was a student in 6 schools in 3 different countries. So I'm sort of on the side that says that students can survive moves and in fact can become more resilient and adaptable if they have some experience with that.
Then of course many people on this planet attend the same school with the same people all their lives and do just fine as well.
I expect your partner may be feeling some survivor's guilt as well as trying to keep the same environment for his son, perhaps feeling that there is a link to his dead mother that will be severed somehow if they move.
I wouldn't move to a place you know you won't like and face a longer commute to your career.
I would do as CindyCares suggests and create a home away from home so that you don't have to pack a suitcase, and instead just are going to your second home in the city, to join your partner and his family.
You say your retirement is next year, so try adopting a new approach with putting in some drawers and closets for your use and decide when you do retire.
Maybe take every other weekend off from traveling and spend time with your local friends. You don't have to go to your partner's house every single weekend, do you?
I would not sell your house and move to a town you already know you do not like. That's not a good idea and you know it.
Perhaps your partner is stuck in a certain groove because he's afraid of change for the 11 year old son.
I have lived in nearly 20 different places.,,, not counting the short term housing needed during relocations…. it is not the end of the world for someone to be relocated. A child can learn and thrive, provided that there is support and understanding and help.
Think of yourself as having a lovely country home and having the opportunity to enjoy a more urban atmosphere every so often. Do not feel obligated to commute to that urban atmosphere every weekend and give yourself a break.
I too think that you may not realize you have a very nice arrangement. Why change? Just lessen the back and forths if you are the one doing all the driving and lessen that burden on yourself.
From what you've written about your circumstances and his, I would not sell and move at all…
Is there some sort of rush on this for you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2014): Try several a few miles flight to visit your partner and then you might have something to complain about. I'm with Cindy Cares, what's the problem?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 April 2014):
 I can't "see" any solution to your question.... EXCEPT for you to tell this nice guy: "I think you're a great guy.... BUT what remains of your past life is too much for me to blend in to mine.... such that you and I can make a life together.... Good luck... and Good bye."
That should do it...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 April 2014):
That's just me, but... I think you have it rich and you don't even know it. I would not change a thing, personally :). You have the pleasure and comfort of a steady relationship, and you also have your freedom and independence , and you get to live in your own house, in the setting and landscape that you like, with your own furniture, habits, schedules and rules, and your own kid, that, no matter how warm hearted you are , I am sure you prefer to his kid. You get to be your own person 5 days a week, and to live an enjoyable, heart warming, if maybe not totally steamy, or not as steamy as it could have been 30 years ago, romance, every weekend. Sounds VERY cool to me :) Commuting 3 times a week, for a part time job, would not even be worth it economicallly, but , travelling 35 miles on weekends ?... aren't you by any chance making yourself older and frailer than necessary ?
If you are in good health, 35 miles once a week is nothing ! And you don't have to live out of a suitcase, why would you ?. Leave what you need at his place, and on Fridays you can bring with you just your wallet ,your cellphone and your keys. I live in city X and I spend most weekeends in city Y at my mom's , and I would not think of packing and unpacking all the time. I left there all I may need- another complete set of make up products, lingerie and underwear, a phone charger, a few simple , basic clothing items : some T-shirts and jeans, a couple of sweaters, and one little back dress in case there's anything fancy to attend . I don't see why your bf could not give you part of his wardrobe or drawers to make you comfortable and make sure you've got all you may need.
I think what you are going through is normal and expectable, it's the downside in the luck of finding love in your later years- people are capable of falling in love at ANY age, just they handle it more rationally and practically, material and practical consideration come to the forefront, everybody gets more set in their ways, more attached to their belongings and their way to do things, and not necessarily they are anxious to turn their world around to enjoy a relationship.
His objections to moving somewhere else feel perfectly valid and reasonable to me, - then again so are yours , so it's not a matter of who's right who's wrong, it's just that moving in together would have high emotional and psychological costs for both of you. Of course, if no compromise can be arranged, and if he is adamant about staying put- it would seem that the only solution would be for you to yield and go live with him at his place . But, it is really really necessary.. or desirable ? Think out of the box, after a certain age the attractions and advantages of cohabitation are much less, of course if you had already been living together since a whole lot of years then I would not tell you to split up and separate addresses , lol, but since both of you seem to have a fulfilling lifestyle custom - tailored each one to his needs, regardless of your relationship, if it ain't broke don't fix it, sayz I: ).
Of course nobody stays 61 forever , and in time, yes, a long distance romance may get to be too much. But in the meantime the little boy will grow up too, and go to college, and eventually flee the coop to go get HIS own place to call home, set up according to HIS tastes and preferences..., and once your bf will be an empty nester, or both of you will be empty nesters, the main obstacle will cease and you will be able to come up with a scheme and location that suits both.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (11 April 2014):
 Honestly, I don't think that you moving would bode too well on your relationship as you will be the one giving up everything and if you are having ANY doubts about that now then it won't get any better when you move.
I moved to a different country to be with a guy and up sticks because he didn't want to leave his son behind, which is not the same as your situation but I can say that I know how it feels to be the one that does all the moving and sacrificing for the relationship and I also know that you can carry that with you when you move if you are not happy when you get there.
I don't see why your partner can't move if he has no real ties - 11 isn't too old to move to another school and it would suit you a lot better to be closer to your family at the same time, but honestly, what is stopping either of you moving somewhere in the middle and cutting the distance in half from your home towns and visiting them both once in a while?
So you're 61, there is a lot of history for both of you in your respective cities but shouldn't that be a great motivator to get you both up and out of them and to start something new and exciting as a family unit rather than have you hop into the house he shared with his wife or the home you share with your son etc?
I have lived with my husband now for 5 years and we both hate it here and wished we'd both just thrown caution to the wind in the beginning and embarked on something new together rather than having one of us make all the sacrafices for the other to have an easy life. It isn't easy at all when the one of you is discontent because of it.
We're hoping to move and work everything out for everyone shortly but it would have been so much easier if it has been our plan from the start!
Live a little, but remember that you are just as important in your relationship as your partner is and a little compromise on BOTH parts goes a VERY, very long way!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2014): You have two choices here. Either back down and do exactly what he says when he says it because he won't even out everything and do it with you. Or, you can insist you move together.
If his son hasn't started secondary school but still wants to be with his friends, can't you get somewhere together with a train journey or something for him. Loads of kids get a train to school these days.
He says he wants to give stability but having you over every weekend and then leave again isn't stable, that's confusing and irregular for him. Having a solid home with everyone in one place permanently is far better. Moving house isn't the be all and end all, he'll make new friends and keep the old ones.
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