A
male
age
41-50,
*CB
writes:I've been dating a guy now for about 5 months and everything is going really well; however I'm feeling incredibly guilty at the moment because, although we have been intimate a few times, we haven't had sex yet (this is when is starts to get uncomfortable for me, so please bear with me).It's not that I don't want to, and we have talked about - I'm really lucky that he is incredibly patient with the issues I have - but, before being with him I'd been single for around 7 years and, previous to that, had struggled with my weight.I've always suffered from issues concerning 'body confidence' and I have always 'disliked myself'. I'm slimmer than I was (I now weigh around 10st 6lbs) but I still have real issues with my body.I've explained to this guy about all my issues and he is really patient and has told me that when the time is right, it will be fine and it will happen, but I'm beginning to shy away from being intimate because I'm scared/paranoid etc. which then makes me feel guilty.Has anyone else overcome this or offer advice as to how I can try to deal with this?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 December 2016):
 Even when you have clothes on he does see the shape your body is in. If he is still with you then that itself shows he is interested. He has waited five months which shows he is serious about you. The issues with your body lie with you and not him. The parts you hate may be the parts he loves. Also we all do have body issues.
You are in a rut, one where you need to remove yourself from. So go shopping, buy some sexy outfit so that you don't need to be completely naked and makes you feel comfortable. Then buy a bottle of wine, dim the lights, better still light some candles. Have a drink with him, relax and take it slow. The moment you see the way that he looks at you a lot of your worries will fade along with your fears.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2016): You have to force yourself to develop some confidence, and also toughen-up about all the past criticism about your weight. Denying yourself and your partner the pleasure of your body isn't fair to either of you. The irony about weight-loss, is that even those who are over-weight (or formerly over-weight) carry the same prejudices about extra-pounds as slim and fit people. They are just as bigoted and intolerant as the fat-shamers they despise!
Go figure?!!
Perfection doesn't exist. Don't forget, he's got imperfections that he has to reveal to you as well. He has been patient; but patience has its limits. He could be spending his time with someone without "issues" or unmanaged "insecurities." Does anyone enjoy life anymore?
Gay men tend to be so narcissistic in our sub-culture; and it's no wonder many of us turn-out to be lonely and frustrated. Confirming the sad stereotypes about us depicted in the movies; always with fatal and tragic endings. Why is our culture so hung-up and preoccupied with appearance and looks? What about character, poise, and intellect? We are our own worst enemies. Homophobia is not enough without hating ourselves?
I feel it's time we break from stereotypes, self-loathing, narcissism, and conceit. Everybody wants the pretty guy, nobody appreciates that sweet, sincere, average-guy who would be the guy of anyone's dreams given the chance. No, it's the Adonis who gets all the attention; but usually could give a flying-fuck about anybody once he's done. All he needs is adoration, body-worship, to get-off, and he's off to the next conquest. Until age takes it's toll, and he finally realizes how much he has missed-out on where love is concerned; because all he cared about was looks.
Lesbians are far more tolerant, and aren't so caught-up on looks as we gay men. Punishing ourselves for what nature and genetics designed us to be. Never grateful, resentful of the natural aging-process, mean to older gay-men, and bitchy!
Love ain't based on your looks, kiddo! It's connected to who you are as a person, and your willingness to give it back!
Take a chance and dive into it. The sooner you allow yourself to, the sooner you'll become comfortable with yourself. Otherwise; you're just stringing this guy along.
He may be incredibly patient, but you have no right to tax his patience or waste his time. It may be time to get some counseling; just a few face to face sessions to unload and vent how you feel. Sometimes that's all it takes. Just being able to say it out-loud to someone who can offer good feedback. You don't always have to sprawl out on the couch and tell your life's story.
Stop using your mirror as a form of torture. It's the mind that distorts the image, not reality. You sometimes have to repeat affirmations to yourself that you're just as good and attractive as anybody else. If only super-models and body-builders were supposed to find love and have sex; the majority of the population would be lonely and sexually-frustrated. That isn't the case in real-life.
What was the point of weight-loss; if you didn't also develop your self-love and gain confidence in the process?
Come on sweetie, take a deep-breath; and take life like a man!
You think he hasn't already undressed you with his eyes, and can't see what is just beneath a layer of fabric? You forget that people want to see even deeper into who you are than that. All the self-hatred and self-degradation rampant in the gay-community has got to go; so be a part of the movement to end it.
Be fierce, courageous, and outrageous! Be yourself, be blessed, and be happy. He's waiting for you, and it's not all about you, you, you, and your issues. It's also about him, and he thinks he has found someone special. He is even kind enough to wait. Focus on his feelings, not just your own.
Reward him for his patience. You'll be rewarding yourself for your hard-work as well!
Good luck, sweetie!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 IN a way yes; I think everyone has self image issues;
For me(as a male) size is an issue my spouse has been with men much more well endowed than I and I know because she told me. I just had to get past it by assuming that I'm better at other stuff.. I'm also overweight and unable to tan which means she accepts ma as a pale heavy dude with a small penis. I'm lucky to have found someone that accepts me the way I am and that is pretty much that. Count your blessings. rather than your self perceived faults. Best wishes hope that helps
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