A
female
age
36-40,
*aughtya
writes:Last Wednesday my boyfriend of a year told me that "things aren't where or how he wanted them to be" and that "we'd be better off without each other." He said we never do anything, don't have the same friends.This is very true. For about five months, nearly every day was spent in his bed watching movies over and over again. This was due to the fact that we never communicated about the reasons why we werent doing anything else. We had never helped each other get to know each other's friends, and it was obvious that I felt uncomfortable around them, ruining his night. We would just walk into a gathering, and he would introduce me and then start having his fun. What I needed was for him to stick with me a couple times so I could feel comfortable, but I didn't say anything because I wanted him to enjoy himself. The same thing applied for him as I integrated, or didn't, him into my groups of friends. It was never intentional, we just didn't realize we were doing it to each other. So after a while, I'd just stop asking him to do things, and he did the same. And thats how we ended up cooped in his room.It's not that I never wanted to become friends with his friends, or try something new, its that I needed to be eased into it-these things don't come as naturally as I think we expected.So after months of laying there like a bump on a log, we lost ourselves, and each other. And then he told me that we were better off without each other.Two days after we broke up, I asked if we could talk. I asked why this was happening, and he said we'd grown apart, didn't do anything, didn't have the same friends...didn't know how he felt anymore and didn't want to string me along. That I was the nicest girl he'd ever met and that this was the hardest thing he'd ever done. And that if I needed to talk to call him.I spent the weekend doing all kinds of things that I hadn't done in so long. I'd been in such a funk, hadn't seen my friends, or anything. So I went out for dinners and coffees, went out for drinks, took off to Toronto for the day. And that's how I figured out what went wrong.His fb statuses I've noticed have been sad songs with lines such as "So this is continual happiness, you know I'd always imagined it something more" "this sky is sick so i'll let go of you, i'll let go of this." Hes kinda removed himself from being on fb very much (which he was always on) and is almost never on MSN (which again, was always on)So now, almost a week later I am so full of regret. There are so many things to be done differently. We had been so in love, and everything was so perfect that some nights I'd cried because I was so thankful to have found him. We just laid there and let it go to hell and didn't tell each other what we were feeling, or wanted in order to get out of it.I know this is a fixable thing. This is something im certain of almost. But it can't be fixed if he does not want to.I texted him last night asking him if we could talk today. He responded, "any day but tomorrow ok?" which was weird, but I agreed. He asked if I was sure, and wanted to know what I needed to say- that it was ok that i needed to do so, but he was just wondering.We're supposed to talk on Thursday. I want to give him his space and respect everything, but at the same time I want to fight for what I believe in. I don't expect him to be happy right now-the relationship we had left was barely a relationship at all, and after a year you need to try things and experience things together to continue to grow...but everything we had is wasted because of something that escalated because of lack of communication. I've kind of sat there and took what he's said in the two conversations he's had, and not talked about why things got there or how...just that we'd grown apart. Nearly all I had said was "okay"because I didn't know what else to say.Now I'm scared of talking on Thursday...I don't want to hurt him, or frustrate him, and I want to respect his wishes but at the same time doing so is still jsut ignoring the issue we had ignored the whole time. Its accepting defeat over an issue that can be solved with a little nuturing.Anyways, what should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): well, dont be scared to talk on thursday; he's obviously agreed or asked you to meet with him on thursday which means he wants to say something or sort this out too. You have been together for a year + which should mean its willing to give this ne last shot.
Try doing more things together and spending your time together and differently. On thursday, tell him how you feel, that you want this to work, you love him and that you dont want to hurt him.
all the best,
angel x
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