| A
age
36-40,
writes: I see so many people being hurt and confused by the same problems over and over again. The same questions coming in from all over the globe speaks volumes about how little people know about relationships or how to handle them. I am no exception to this, but by acknowledging it, I think I'm taking a first step. Maybe it is human nature to run with a pack. We are social animals. At the same time, it is human nature to watch out for your own back and abandon your pack when it no longer suits your needs. People cause each other pain. Sometimes by accident. Sometimes on purpose. But that pain is often caused by selfishness, lust, and greed. No wonder the people of old considered them some of the deadliest sins!It becomes easier and easier to hurt the ones we love. The internet was a great invention. But it comes with a heavy price for many. All of the people of the world are at your fingertips. You can find "sex," "love," "friends," and so much more at the touch of a button. You can look up "the one that got away" and forget the one that you have. Or you can live out your fantasy with someone who will live out someone elses fantasy as soon as your done.Now more than ever people need to start learning the foundational keys of relationships. Losing one of these skills causes great pain for one or both parties. And these three keys go together like gears in a wheel.Respect: You have to respect your friend, partner, mother, brother, or whoever you are in a relationship with. Let's look at partner, as this site is more about love.Here are some examples I see everyday of disrespect:1)He/she keeps contacting her ex (without children) on social network, even after I said it makes me uncomfortable.2) He/she keeps flirting with others even after I said it makes me uncomfortable.3)He/she keeps putting me down or calling me names.4)He/she puts down my friends or family members and isolates me.5)He/she purposefully causes me physical or emotional harm.6)He/she constantly goes out with others and leaves me home, even when I want to go.7)He/she cheated on me.Now, some of these many people do not see as big deals. They say, "stop being jealous and insecure." But the truth is, although that may be necessary in some cases, sometimes you can't do it alone. The point of having a partner is to have some one that you can be there to help you through difficult times. And in turn, you should be helping them as well. A relationship is like a triangle. The keys of the relationship are the bottom, and the people in the relationship are the sides. They lean on each other for support. But in the age of "independance" it is frowned upon to say "I need your support." Independance is a great thing, but we all need someone to lean on.Knowing that your partner respects you not only makes it easier for you to rely on them, but it makes it easier for you to open up and allow them to rely on you. It is a self-sustaining cycle when done properly, and no one feels too needy or clingy. But you can't have have respect alone.You especially can't have respect without trust. Let's look at our examples:1)He/she keeps contacting her ex on social network, even after I said it makes me uncomfortable. - If your partner disregards this, showing that they do not respect you, what happens to your trust in them? It leads to suspicion that something is going on. This can lead to snooping, which in turn leads to your partner not trusting you. This is a quick road to the relationship grave.2) He/she keeps flirting with others even after I said it makes me uncomfortable.-When a partner finds that flirting at others and receiving flirting in return is acceptable, what happens to the trust? It once again leads to suspicions, possible snooping, not wanting your partner to go out alone, and anger and insecurities in yourself. This in turn can cause the partner to become annoyed and feel "trapped" or their partner is "too clingy." It all falls apart.3)He/she keeps putting me down or calling me names.4)He/she puts down my friends or family members and isolates me.5)He/she purposefully causes me physical or emotional harm.-These all go together because they are forms of abuse. How can you trust someone when they hurt you? Sure, maybe you stay with them due to the psychological issues that come with abuse, but you no longer respect or trust them. Bitterness, hatred, self-loathing, and even terror can all come into play here. And, who do you turn to when the person you are supposed to trust the most will use your trust against you? Emotional abuse can lead to permanent mental and physical damage, as well as death. The irony of it is, the abusive partner often doesn't trust anyone, especially the person they abuse. It is a cycle of violence that cannot be broken easily, but it has to be stopped.6)He/she constantly goes out with others and leaves me home, even when I want to go.-How do you trust someone who doesn't want to display your connection in public? No you don't need to go every time, but when you are constantly left behind you become suspicious and hurt. This breaks the trust. This is very similar to the flirting situation.7)He/she cheated on me.-Whether it was a one time thing or a continued affair, cheating is the fastest way to tell someone, "I do not respect you." It breaks trust and even if you glue the trust back together, it is forever full of cracks. Even if forgiveness is found, forgetting is much harder. Cheating can be viewed from "he/she shares her deepest hopes and dreams with a friend, but not to me," to "he/she was showing explicit photos of herself online to someone," all the way to "he/she slept with someone else." Cheating is a betrayal of the physical and emotional bonds between two people. Finally, we come to communication. Often times communication can solve these problems. It is the glue that holds it all together. Let's go back to our examples.1/2/6) It makes me uncomfortable when you spend time chatting/flirting/hanging out with your ex/other men or women/friends but never me. -this person may be upset and perhaps crying or irrational.-Bad response: You're just being stupid and insecure. Why are you acting so jealous? It doesn't mean anything! We're just good friends!-Good response: Okay, I see what you're saying. What makes you uncomfortable and how can I help you feel better. I am friends with this person, but I do not want to jeopardize our relationship. Let's talk about it and see if we can find a common ground that we agree on.How do you get to that good response? Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Would you be jealous if they were talking to an ex? If yes, then you should use your sympathy and if no then you should use your empathy. What is the difference? Sympathy is understanding because you would feel that way, too. Empanthy is trying to understand even though you wouldn't feel that way.You have to open a dialog. If the other person is too upset for an open dialogue you should say, "I understand you're upset right now, so how about we take a break away from the computer/phones/friends," and then come back to this in a few minutes." This is showing respect, too. Because you're saying, I care about what you are saying and I'm not dismissing you to continue my behavior. Let's just hang out for a minute, gather our thoughts, and then we can talk.You always hear the advice "don't be accusing when you confront them," well, that's not always easy. I think another good lesson we all need to learn is: "don't be instantly defensive if confronted." Neither of these are easy, but if you work at both aspects, then healthier communication can be found.As for the examples of abuse, communication may not be the best option. If you are being abused and need help, you can contact your local law or social services. There may be safe houses that can take you in if you fear you are in physical danger if you leave. Abuse is not a cycle that ends by sticking around and hoping it stops. It takes real action from real professionals, and sometimes the first step is saying goodbye. And that means using the relationship keys with one person you can never leave or forget: yourself.
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