A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just ran into my ex of four months ago, and realize i still miss them terribly, the run in really threw me off my game and im so sad again. Its been about four months since my ex boyfriend of about five months broke up with me. Even on the days when I feel fine, I know deep down I haven't been able to move on from him. Moving on was never something I was prepared to have to do, or ever wanted. It wasn't a terrible break up, he's a really great guy, I know it was hard for him to do but I think he tried to let me down as easily as he could. Since the break up we email or chat online occasionally just to say hi and catch up, but nothing too serious just friendly. Ive been told by many that if he really wanted to get back with me he would be making the effort and calling me and trying to stay in more frequent contact and I understand this too. But at the same time its nearly impossible for me not to have a small amount of hope in the back of my mind that things could be different in the future. Its sad because I know it is this small hope that Im buring away that is allowing me to temporarily "move on" and go about my days. I really never got closure from the break up or even a good understanding of what went wrong, the only factors I have to work with are 1. distances, 2. timing, 3. maybe we weren't connecting as well as in the beginning. All he told me was that because of the distance he started to feel disconnected from me which caused his feelings to change. but he still likes me as person and cares about me and wants to be able to still talk. im not sure which one of these factors was the heavy hitter, which is giving me this potential false hope because in a few months ill be out of school and living only 1hr away from him as opposed to 3hrs. i feel like if i knew for sure that it was simply because we werent connecting that id be able to move on faster than i am now.I ran into him this past weekend (for the first time since our break up) at an event, and it really brought me back to missing him terribly and I got really sad and upset about it. The hard thing is, I can exisit in a room with him, carry on a conversation, all that stuff without it being awkward. For those who didn't know we dated, Im sure it just looks like we're good friends. He's such a nice guy, that even though this was our first run in he made a point to come say hi to me, talk a little bit, and then even say bye to me before we left. But because of my hopefulness I am unable to decipher if he's honestly just being a nice guy, or if he cares about me, even a little still. I decided to send him a text the next day that said "it was good to see you this weekend, hope you had fun at the event" and he sent me a reply about 2 and a half hours later saying "yeah! it was good to see you too". I dont know what the circumstances were but the fact that the response came 2 hours later and he really didn't say much kinda of bummed me out. Im really getting to the point where I feel like I need to confront him with my feelings in order to help myself move on. I want to tell him something along the lines of "im really glad we've been able to talk and stuff since the break up because you were never someone i wanted to cut out of my life forever. but seeing you that weekend really made me realize how much i still miss you. and im not sure if what i miss is the relationship or just your close friendship. but its been something thats been weighting on my mind for awhile now. im sorry if this feels out of the blue and the last thing i want to do is make you feel uncomfortable or like im crowding you. but i guess i just need to know for myself, is the friendship we have right now enough for you, or do you ever feel yourself wanting more?" ive never had to bring up my feelings to an ex before and im not sure when the right time to do these things are, and how to do it the best way without making them feel totally uncomfortable. I want to be able to assure him that if he is in fact done, I will understand and move on because I really don't want him to then feel uncomfortable around me and jeapardize the "friendship" we have now. any advice you guys have would be really helpful.
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female
reader, Alexp  +, writes (21 February 2011):
Hi again,
People always say "not to tell your ex you miss them" because your ex most probably wants some space and time away from you. By continually telling them that you "miss them" you are hindering some of that space and time they desire. In the end, if you keep on, they will be incline to resent you.
Look, by now, I guess your ex knows only too well that you "miss him". He may well "miss" some of things or everything that he had with you as well. However, for whatever reason, he has decided to move on.
By the sound of it, you had a great few romantic months together. Don't worry, he will never forget those few months. But, in the future he may well meet someone who is more significant to him than you were. I know it hurts and it may seem unfair but, unfortunately, life (and in particular romantic life) does often hurt and is frequently unfair. Believe me, most of us have been there and know.
If you still have romantic feelings toward him and those are not reciprocated, then to continue seeing each other as just "good friends" will continually be tugging at your heart strings whilst he will be unaware of the pain he is causing you.
Give it a few months and wait until you complete your move. That will give him ample time away from you to allow him time to realise himself that he "misses you" or not as the case may be.
I know it's hard but, if he really is a nice guy (and from what you say it sounds as if he is) then, if he really isn't romantically interested in you, it will be time to wish him all the best for the future and move on yourself.
Best wishes and the best of luck for the future.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): Thank you everyone for your words of advice. I really appreciate it. Its especially helpful to hear what actions i should take in different situations since im so clueless here and am really looking for help with how to act next(so thanks alexp for your thoughts!)in the end though, im always a little confused why people always say not to tell your ex you miss them. my ex was a great guy and we didn't end on bad terms. he wasn't someone i necessarily worried about giving "power" or an ego boost by telling him my feelings. and since the break up ive definitely respected his space. we talk occasionally but i never push the issue of our relationship past or present. but im still curious if he ever thinks of me. the only thing i do worry about though is pushing him farther away by telling him how i feel. right now i miss him, but i go back and forth between whether what i miss is the relationship or just spending time with him as a friend and being a bigger part of his life. i think my biggest fear is that he will forget me and i will fade out of his life forever. he does know i will be living a lot closer to him in a few months, so i guess i will try to take your advice and not to ask anything until then. still, the fear of losing him completely, even as a friend, just hurts :/ i just hate to feel 'forgettable'
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A
female
reader, Alexp +, writes (21 February 2011):
Hi,
Okay here are the thoughts of someone who has been "around the block" a few times over.
First, this guy sounds real nice and genuine. He took the time to speak to you nicely when you met recently and answered your follow-up text nicely.
Now to the nitty-gritty.
His stated reason for wanting to break-up was the distance between you. If he was certain in his own mind that you were definitely "the one for him" he would have found ways and means to overcome that obstacle. So, distance may just have been a non-confrontational way of allowing him to move on.
Also, meeting with you recently was a chance for him to renew the lost romance. It seems he didn't want to do that.
You say that in a few months you will be moving to a district just an hour away from him. Does he know that?
If not, I would send him a text saying something along the lines "It was really nice seeing you again, maybe sometime in the future we'll bump into each other again. Maybe not. Either way, take care and best wishes." DO NOT tell him you plan to move to a district closer to him. After this text, do not attempt to contact him any more for the time being.
If he is aware that you may be moving in a few months, I would just leave it as it is at the moment and not try to make any contact with him.
In a few months time when you move I would then send him a text along the lines of "Hey, how's life treating you? Things are fine with me and I'm having a great time. In fact, I've just moved to xxxxxx. Would you like to met up for a chat? If not, that's fine. Best wishes." DO NOT give him your full address, just the district you have moved to.
This text is an invitation to him to meet up and have a chat, nothing more. If distance really was the deciding factor in breaking up with you (and I'm not really convinced about that) then he might reconsider and want to meet up with you.
If you do meet up, don't go over old times and don't tell him how you've been constantly thinking of him and wanting to get back with him. Just treat it as a first date. Treat it as an opportunity for you to get to know each other. If you want, flirt a little, but do not over do it. Just flirt enough to let him know you are still interested. If all goes well, you can start dating again. But take it slowly, if you appear too needy or clingy you may frighten him off. Just let things flow naturally.
However, if you meet up and he still says he wants to remain "just good friends" then take him at his word. A rekindling of the romance is unlikely to happen in the future.
If he doesn't respond to your text, or declines your invitation to meet after you have moved then, I'm afraid, you've given him plenty opportunity to change his mind and he hasn't. Or, if you meet and he is still saying he wants to be "just good friends" then it's time to put the experience as another lesson in your lifetime of learning and move on.
If you are feeling the way you say you do, I do not think seeing or communicating with him as "good friends" is a good idea for you. It would be time to break contact. Sorry.
Of course, between now and the date of your planned move you may find another guy comes to your attention that you like. Don't let the hope of a possible reunion with your ex stop you from dating. It may be time to find out more about yourself.
I know this may all sound a bit cold and calculating, but believe me I've had longings for people that were never going to be reciprocated and, in the long run, you are just causing yourself pain by clinging on to a lost cause.
Whatever happens, good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): Well, if you think confronting him would make you feel better, and get the closure you desire, then do it. But after many years of dating and my share of experiences with men, I learned that if they are really interested in you, they'd make it happen. That is, if this guy wants to be with you, then he would be with you. I know this sounds harsh, but I found myself so many times making excuses for the guys I dated, until I finally realized that: 1) it wasn't really helping me, and 2) it kept feeding me false hope, which in turn prevented me from moving on. Missing someone is natural, you have to allow some time to pass in order to grief, which is different each time.
Try focusing instead on the wonderful things that are happening to you... and on the people that do care and appreciate you. When you make the decision to move on, you'll see that the worrying about those who don't love us, prevent us from seeing the ones that rally do.
Best wishes :)
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