A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello.. I am 27 years old, I have a month and a week married, so basically new wed.I have a couple of problems that I would like to share and I would love for someone to tell me another view of my situation.My husband has a female friend at work, she seems very nice, and she is always around him to help in any way that is needed. Which I found for a while now a bit annoying. For a start she keeps calling him as much as she can, she is all the time calling him 'matey' and trying to be updated on his life as much as she can, my husband is studying a course and she called him after he had his test to know how he did on them, if the weather is in a bad condition she calls him to check everything is OK. My husband works out of the town where we live, about 20 min. away, and because of the weather conditions he got stranded in the town where he works, and the first person to call was her instead of me. I don't know if is paranoia, but if it was me I would call my family first instead of a friend.And today he told me how best friends they have become, how they talk about everything, and have meals together in their break, which I felt like a stab, because that used to be me.Another thing I find very frustrating is that we are practically new wed, and I am always the one turning him on, and sometimes even have to wait for him being in the "mood", some of my friends tell me that their husbands were unstoppable at the first months of marriage and I wonder if I am actually attractive to him or if there is something wrong with me to start 90% of the time in that aspect. Please someone give me some advice or point of view in this, I am really driving myself crazy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe works around 12 hours a day, sometimes more. He works as a steward in some barracks and his second job he cleans 2 buildings of 3 floors. I can tell when he is really tired because he falls asleep really quick. We did live together before for 6 months, after that I had to return to my country to get all the papers to live here legally, and needless to say we had a new-wed life back then, does that actually affect our now wedded sexual life? He treats me well, and he is kind with me but I don't want our future life being cold or turn more cold in this way.
A
male
reader, Uncle Abe  +, writes (19 January 2010):
Glad you worked out the coworker problem.
As for the sex problem...unless your man was an absolute playboy before he met you there is no way man under 30 should be turning down sex with his brand new wife.
Even if he is swamped at work!
OR unless you are turning him away and he gets discouraged and decides to ignore his passionate urges rather than get rejected then you may have a similiar problem but this rarely starts to happen on month two.
Women who do the bait and switch - even if not intentionally usually don't do it so soon nor does the man give up so soon if she does. A man will try to get it anyway he can for months after the switch has occured. Besides you sound like you want a better sex life not less sex. If you don't already know there are many, if not most, women who after a year or so give their men less of what the men want and less of what the women don't enjoy doing. Bottom line they take the man for granted. Then they wonder why their men don't shower them with cards and chocolates and flowers...cause their feelings are hurt.
SO if your man isn't a playboy, if you are truly trying to please him, if he isn't cheating on you. Then there are only a couple other options - medical, like really he can't get it up, or mental - he isn't mature enough realize what he has and is taking it for granted.
Good luck sorting all that out. It could be very easy or very hard depending on the culprit. Could be a viagra is the answer - very simple. Could be you are married to a guy and not a man who wants a mom and not a woman. With the only remedy I can see is possibly some time in a good men's church group where he may meet men concerned about being men not just watching the TV.
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (16 January 2010):
Thats why talking to your man is always futile. I was married to a man who was a fitness trainer for Miss Universe contestants and other beauty pageants so this friendship line was regularly crossed. Talking to him always made him angry and defensive and made me appear insecure. Wearing the sexy nightie to seduce him into respecting our boundaries was also pathetic to him. A good friend advised me to speak to the woman and in every case they backed off. Some of them didn't realize that it was a problem until I brought it up in a calm but efficiently brutal way. If you have tried him and it didn't work then talk to her. Or reply her texts to your husband if you can hijack his cellphone so she knows you have access to all their communications.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did talk to him, we had a serious argument about this friend of his, because as Emilysanswers said, she was thinking of him as the gay friend without being gay. And my husband wasn't realizing about my feelings about the situation. I know neither men or women we aren't born knowing how to be a wife or husband, but then again, this isn't the first time it happens to him with a co-worker. I am from a different country than my husband, now we are both living in the same place, but when I was sorting my visa to come here, a co worker invited him out for drinks because she found out she was being cheated on, wich of course that didnt sound at all good to me. My husband struggles sometimes to know the difference between marriage and a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, and I told him MANY times already that he has to put a limit to his friends, and have some respect to our relationship, and teach his friends to respect his intimacy and time with his wife (aka me).
He told me this girl now has a boyfriend and that now she is backing off from all the calls and from her being nosey.
Regarding the sex part, it improves sometimes for days but then again, it falls in the same circle of me starting everything instead of him trying at least a bit to do something :/
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female
reader, Delilah  +, writes (15 January 2010):
Hi hon - This woman has no respect for you or for your relationship with your husband. And I'm afraid you are going to have to knock it on the head. I would ring her and let her know that you appreciate that your husband has a 'work colleague' he can chat to about various issues, but that her contact outside of office hours to YOUR HUSBAND is entirely inappropriate. When you are on the phone make out its almost like you're happy your husband has a work colleague he can be friends with but that you are also letting her know she is acting in appropriately, then hang up, you don't need to end it nice. If she brings this up with your husband then she is bad news. Any woman would take the hint and back off. You are not paranoid!!
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (15 January 2010):
I'm going to disagree with Angzw.
Talking to him is the ONLY way to fix this. Marriage is all about being able to talk calmly and accept fault where it is due.
Make yourself really sexy one night and when you are curled up on the sofa in his arms ask him if you can talk to him about something. Give him the big eyes and look up at him and say you are feeling really bad because you KNOW he would never do anything bad but you have started to get a big jealous. Ask him to just remind you that he loves you the most.
It's so much easier to say "you're wrong because of this" if you pretend it's your fault at the very start. If you go to your man with a problem, his cave man instincts will kick in and he'll want to fix it for you and make it all better. If you go in guns blazing then he will get defensive, as you would do in his situation.
Just tell him really calmly that it upset you a little bit when he calls her rather than you.
Make it clear you are fine with him having friends but you want him to yourself a bit since you are just married.
As for the sex bit, I'd bring that up separately or he'll think you are accusing him of the 2 problems being related.
Him being just married is probably half the reason she's being so friendly... she thinks he's SO FAR off the menu that it's the same as being close friends with a gay guy. So she's forgetting that he is straight and she could cause problems.
Let him deal with her and just remind him who comes first in a really nice way.
Good Luck!! xx
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female
reader, ShadowGoddess231 +, writes (15 January 2010):
 I would get the phone before he does and say hey don't you have a guy you can talk to instead of another woman's husband??? What do you want from him sex? Sorry I'm his wife and not you. So please stop the calls. If she goes to him and boohoos about it then tell him that she is over stepping you as his wife.
Talk to him too, cuz you both need to be on the same page.
What does "matey" mean in your Country?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): many other people on here will tell you stop, don't worry, don't change people, don't get jealous, ect..Look I think having opposite sex friends does not work in a committed relationship unless both of you are entirely on the same page, which is NEVER the case. If you had close male friends and he had close female friends and you two agreed on that, than fine. you are writing here, so apprently it is not sitting well with you and it never will. It is ok to be jealous of the relationship and it is ok to feel like you are not being treated right. I just got out of a relationship with a girl who had many male friends around. they went out for drinks, went to a few parties, ect. I did not feel comfortable with this (yes maybe b/c of mt own insecurities) at all. I really think that most people in this world want their cake and eat it too. They want to be married and have all the comforts of that, but yet live the same exact life they always led. This is the reason why so many people get divorced! If you don't like it, he shouldn't speak to her, period! He may be giving up a "close" work friend or whatever she is, but c'mon you are married to the guy and he should see that. If he isn't willing to change or give anything up, you should talk to him about it and maybe head to counseling so that a third party can weigh in on the subject. If he still doesn't change, go get a close guy friend and tell him to call you all the time, I'm sure your husband will listen then! good luck
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female
reader, Angzw +, writes (15 January 2010):
Everyone here will tell you to talk to your husband. That's futile. He will defend her and make you feel like a desperate paranoid controlling wife. My advice is talk to her. Next time she calls, just say, I'm wondering something, why do you act like you are the one married to my husband?? No offence, I'm just curious why you are always calling him at home just when we are trying to make love. Or if she calls while he is at home and you answer the phone, tell her actually you interrupted us, we were making love and had to stop to answer this phone; evenings are not good for us to get calls at the moment, we need some space.
As for him not doing it enough, try get him every morning. That way, if he is getting a fix elsewhere you have ruined the outcome to some extent. Is this friend married?
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