A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,Just looking for some advice at what is already a confusing and low time. I’ve just lost a very close family member, a parent and I feel like my partner hasn’t been as supportive as he could. I’m not taking it well at all. We were very close. This was very recently, just over a week. My family have always been brilliant with him, and when we moved in together last year, did everything for us to help us- brought the van, helped with carrying furniture, painting, they helped a lot financially. His family on the other hand don’t know where we even live and have never expressed an interest in getting to know me since I’m a different colour of skin. They have never done anything for us like my family, never even asked him how the move was etc. All they do is take take take. Demand his time without thought of me alone, demand his money without thought of how we’re supposed to pay our rent etc etc Long story short, his family has become a total sticking point between and created a lot of bitterness us because among other things they’ve really hurt me in that they pretend I don’t exist, after over a year of living together and constant arguments because of them we came to the argreement that he spends time with them whilst I’m at work but the rare time off we get together is with me. Even with this they’re constantly ringing him and I have to listen to him on the phone about 10 times a night. Note that when he’s with them he won’t even pick up my phone calls. I could go on about the problems due to them and what they’ve done to me but it’s not the point of the question, more like background info.So the question is, I’ve just very recently lost a parent and I’m taking it very hard, struggling to eat, sleep etc. On top of this I’ve got a remaining parent who needs care as they are also struggling with grief. I’m totally at breaking point which he knows as we live together. So a few weeks ago he mentioned his family were planning to move to another city about 3 hours away, then 2 days ago he tells me on Sunday he’s going there early in the morning with them to help with the painting etc of the new house they’ve all of a sudden got and will be back by nighttime. I bit my tongue from saying what in return for all the help they gave us.....(we usually spend Sundays together as a mutal day off).. then yesterday he informs me he will be gone till Tuesday because that’s how long his family want to stay there. I’ve just lost a parent and I’m struggling, I’m not sleeping or eating. I just don’t feel that a little 3 day trip iis appropriate for someone who supposedly loves me.. I left my family home because of him, I don’t have a means of transport, we have pets that I’m now left to take care of alone at short notice. I’m supposed to be back at work tomorrow after a long week off with grieving which I’m anxious about facing everyone and dealing with work when the pain is still raw and he’s just left me alone. There was no asking me if I’ll be okay if he goes, he’s just put a plan in place with his family and then informed me. There would be no question of me getting asked to go since they pretend I don’t exist. He’s gone and hasn’t even made sure there’s food in the house, hasn’t even made sure there’s gas in the meter. Nothing. So I’m considering breaking up with him, I’ve forgiven him for many things in our relationship and tried to step back when often put last after his selfish family, I’m close to my family but they never expect to be put first. This however is just too much for me. Abandoning me during one of the hardest times of my life to help his family who have constantly come between us. Then I think maybe I’m being over emotional with everything that’s going on. I literally have no one to turn to advise, my family are all grieving and I cannot put more stress on them abd I feel I’ve already leant on my closest friends when my parent passed away, I don’t want to start adding more on. Please could you guys let me know what you think :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 December 2017):
 I am sorry for your loss, if he cannot put you first and treat you right then it is his loss and you deserve better than that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2017): One thing no one bought up and I will.Does he even work?Does he have any type of job whatsoever? Because if he hangs with his family all day where does he get his money?Also he does not have your back in regards to his family..I would breakup on that on itself.When you lost your parent he was not there for you another reason to break up.You deserve way better and you know it.Dump him and go spend time with your other parent life is short and you know your parent loves you and deep down you know this boyfriend only uses you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2017): Hi all thanks for your advice. I don’t think it’s a case of him not knowing how to help me - I could partially forgive that as I wouldn’t know what to do with someone in my situation completely (though I would be supportive and not like him for sure!)I think it’s more of a case of he can’t put my first and never will or more so, he can’t put his food down with his family and tell them that I’m coming first.Think it’s definitely time to end it. It’s already tiring and this time it’s not simply him cancelling our plans to go drive them around, it’s not him not helping me financially and watching me struggle whilst they get the best of life for sitting around stuffing their faces with his money. This times it’s just too much, putting me last at one of the worst times of my life and knowing what state I’ve been after the death, if he can’t be a man and be there for me now he never will be. Deffo no future here!Thanks all for your advice and kind words xx
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (11 December 2017):
 A partner should always have your back- considering that he deserts you and ALWAYS prioritises them over you, even at the heardest time of your life, shows what a disloyal, uncaring dick he is..
I would say if you can't RELY on someone to protect your heart then get rid.. you really can do so much better.. take care
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 December 2017):
 I have to agree with Phil in that I don't think he knows how to comfort you so he's doing anything he can to avoid having to try.
If I were in your shoes I think I would break up with him as Honeypie said. Also agreeing that what would he be like if kids were involved into the mix? If he can't even comfort his grieving girlfriend, how would he be with screaming/crying children? He sounds like he's not very in touch with his emotions like a lot of guys aren't, but someone who can turn their back on a grieving loved one is seriously cold.
I don't think this relationship has a future. It's a tough time to break up with someone but he isn't doing anything to make it any easier so there's no point keeping him around in my eyes.
Start looking into alternative living arrangements and get all your finances into check and give him the boot.
Sorry for your loss, I wish you the best of luck for the future.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (11 December 2017):
 I would tell him that you have been really disappointed with his lack of support. I think he has deliberately spent time with his own family because he doesn't know how help you. He effectively ran away from a difficult situation. I would see if he is willing to admit his failing, or whether he makes up some half baked excuse.
I'm really sorry for your loss, your own family needs to be the priority at the moment, so a break up might not be the best thing to initiate until you feel more on an even keel. Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 December 2017):
 I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think you SHOULD break up with him. There is just no future here. Imagine having kids? Will they then ignore their grandkids too? Or "just" you, the mother?
He is perfectly fine with this "separation" because he gets the best of both worlds. Time with you (when he FEELS like it) and time with his family WITHOUT you. You are not really that big part of his life. His family is. You almost seem more like a roommate than an actual partner. How is that a good thing for a relationship?
He can't even BE there for you in your grief! What good is he?
I think you need to make a exit plan now.
If the place you live in is yours (or was yours and he moved in) then HE gets 14-30 days to move out.
If the place is HIS - well, then GET your ducks in a row.
1. FIND a place to live. One that you can afford on your own. Be it a roommate situation or a 1 bedroom apartment.
2. Separate the bills. If you pay for (let's say) electric, cable or what not... HAVE you name removed from the accounts. Change your bank cards so he no longer has knowledge of new card numbers. If you share a phone contract, consider splitting that - talk to your provider. Etc. Etc.
Once you have all your things and finances separated - BLOCK him and move on.
He seems like a shoddy BF. Make him a shoddy EX-BF!
*hugs* and know that you deserve better.
Don't feel bad about leaning on friends. They will want to help you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2017): Well, I went through the same thing but the guy I had dated started treating me bad and he broke off out engagement to be with another women. So, you don’t want to have two losses at once. So just talk to him and see where things go and if he’s serious what the next step marriage. You’ll be fine this all happened to me this year by the way but if you do stay just keep your self distant from him he may not know how to help you. You’ll be okay love
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