A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I just found out that my wife cheated on my 15 years ago while we were dating. We had been together in a serious relationship for 3 years when she cheated. The guy she cheated with was one of our mutual "friends" and someone we hung around with often. I did not know at the time, but had some suspicions. I just recently found out some details and have been pressing her for info. She said that she had been with him one night after the bar. He took her home and apparently she was so drunk that he had to carry her into his place. Once inside, he took her up to his room and she says she helped him get undressed and he was naked. She says that she was naked except for her panties and that they did not have intercourse, but were making out. I am really having a hard time believing that she did not have sex with him because there seems to be some hesitation when she says so. She said that they did'nt because his roommate who was also a friend came home and found them together. This bothers me so much because I have never had sex with anyone else even though I have had several opportunities. She has always told me that she has not had sex with anyone else either. I thought that we had something special. I feel like a fool because everyone else in our group seemed to know and I did not. It hurts me now as though it just happened. My wife seems to want to dismiss it and acts like it was no big deal. I love my wife and we have a good marriage, but am having a hard time moving on. How do I get over this? Do I believe that she did not have sex with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Dear Mrs, OP
Look you are pissed at your hb becuase he is still suffering from your cheating. Instead of spitting mad, instead of being so bloody judgemental of HIM, put yourself in his position.
".....I think its time for the husband to get over it.." Mrs OP, this is your problem right here. You just EXPECT your hb to get over the fact that you cheated. For some people, whether rightly or wrongly, they just cannot. That hurt is imprinted within their very souls. Try to understand this.
You are right though: whatever you did or 'did not do" is between you and your maker.
To Mr OP: you say that you and your wife have a good marriage. So now is the time to put this to the test. She lied as well as you did. so basically you both are laiers (well, aren't we all???) the difference is the magnitude of these lies. BOTH you and your wife Haul your Asses into some serious marital counselling.
You BOTH are behaving like CHILDREN. what examples are you both to your children??
Mrs OP: you were totally wrong to only tell your hb half truths. you were totally wrong to leave out the most crucial information (froliking naked with another man).
Mr OP: you too should grow up. Leaving your wife alone while out partying! Hell NO. You owe her an apology.
To you BOTH: marriage is bloody difficult. whoever told you it was easy perhaps has never been married before or basically lied to you both.
So what if you both got married at a young age. This is very admirable. A record to be proud of. But marriage requires damn hard work, HONEST OPEN COMMUNICATION, LOTS OF LOVE, AND SOME BREATH TAKING SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!! So you both decide what you are going to do.
Either kill each other in this public spat or work together to resolve your issues. REMEMBER YOU TWO: we are strangers here but you both have to live with each other. You cannot take back words and nastiness, so play nicely and remember, this has been festering for years, it is NOT going to be solved overnight!!!!!!!!!!!
To The OPS: Respectfully, perhaps it is time to close this thread.
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): This is the wife here. I have never said that what I did was not wrong. In fact 18 years ago when it happened (yes 18 years ago not 15)I said what I did was wrong and apologized for it. Four two months ago it was me who told you exactly what happened and I did this on my own accord. I have even in the last two months apologized for it and said it was wrong and I feel bad about it. I have countlessly apologized for what happen, I was 17 when it happened, it was 18 years ago, and talk of getting married was way in the future then there is nothing more I can do. I also could not care a less about what everyone believes or does not believe about what happened that night. I am not a lier and never have been. I know what happened and I confessed exactly what I did. I will stand before God himself and say the same thing. So stop judging me! "Let those without sin cast the first stone" My husband is a lier. He was a lier in the past and is a lier now. Husband if you post one more thing on this website, I will start posting all of the lies you have told me over our 15 years of marriage to cover all of your sins. Then we will see who the real victum is here! Yes everyone we have been married for 15 years and have two beautiful children. I think its time for the husband to get over it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): If she won't even concede that this might be a big deal then there isn't much hope of fixing things.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Here is the husband again. Yeah, im not perfect. I did have a bit of a thing with one of her friends when I was 16 and she was 14. It was mostly just hanging out and we kissed, but definitely no sex and no getting naked. I have lied to my wife in the past about things, but mostly just to avoid a fight. I think most people will agree that going to the strippers (no lap dances) is not comparable to rolling around naked with a guy in bed. She always found out and lying did not work well to avoid a fight. I did not like her going to the bars because I was jealous and afraid something might happen and guess what - it did. We had a long distance relationship for several years and my wife is extremely attractive and had guys all over her all the time. I wonder why I did`nt like her going to the bars.My wife and I have a great marriage and sex life. We also have 2 kids, so I won`t be leaving her over this, however I need some help and time to get over it. Like I said, I had thought it was just fully clothed inocent kissing and related it to what I had done, so thought that I probably deserved it. But now I have learned that it was an all out naked make out session with no sex (yah right). We have been together since I was 15 and she was 13 and always thought that we had a monogomous relationship. This has really hit me hard and I am having a tough time separating the present from something that happened 15 years ago. I`m sad, upset, embarrassed and angry. She does not think that it is a big deal and wants me to forget about it, but I can`t.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): let me see... if I go and see some strippers and my GF (to be wife) spends the night drunk and naked (no sex.. yea right) with a mutual acquaintance... same same... right?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): They didn't have intercourse? Yea right and I've got a bridge I want to sell you.Ask her if it is ok if you get naked with someone now to even things up?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Now that your 'wife' has commented perharps you aint so innocent....complaining about getting past an incident 15 years ago while you have a trails of issues on your part..Really dude??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): Well, you two know the truth. If we have one loyal husband and one cheating wife, the previous comments remain unchanged. As we, the commentators, do not know the truth (still we wait for the husband second version), no other comments are needed.However, the wife’s argument that she was somewhat entitled to cheat because of the husband’s conduct is totally wrong. You are not allowed to cheat if he is out with your friends the whole night or if he asks you not to go to a bar. If you were sick of him, you should have called it quits? Before cheating you must have a discussion with your spouse and a definitive separation. That’s it and you’ll not be called a cheater. But I guess this is the type of event that occurs when someone goes to a bar (can anybody else imagine a cleaner place?). From what I read, your marriage seems very broken.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): Okay so here is the deal. I am the wife that supposedly cheated. You know, this is such an excellent way of dealing with a marriage issue. What a great idea to go on a blog website, give a one side story and get advice from a bunch of randoms that don't even know you as a person or the person you are talking about. Now it is time for the other side of the story. This poor nice guy that everyone feels so sorry for is not what he says he is. Let's start with this. Two years prior to this "cheating" episode, he was dating my best friend behind my back. Everyone knew about it but me. It was his friend who finally told me after I caught them together. He claims he didn't have sex with her. Just kissing. Yeah right, they were seeing each other for an entire year! Am I suppose to believe that. Also, this same nice guy would repeatedly lie to me about the activities that he would take part in with his friends. I would ask him "what did you do last night?" he would reply "oh we just went to a friends" but the truth was they went to the strippers. Why would he lie to me about that. This was a recurring conversation between us. He lied to me about everything he did. Even the small things. Oh and I especially loved it when I would hear the truth of what he was actually doing with his friends from his friends. Like the one time he went to the strippers and nearly got kicked out because he tried to grab the boobs of one of the dancers. That was always a great feeling. Oh and I also really loved the time that he left me sitting at home all night waiting for him to pick me up to go out. He did not show and I didn't hear from him until the next day. Guess what? He was out all night partying with MY friends, well I sat at home waiting form him.I was never allowed to go out with my friends. If I did, it couldn't be to a bar. If I did go to a bar, a giant fight broke out. He would always threaten to break up with me if I went out with the girls. That night he told me that if I was going to go to the bar he would break up with me again. I said fine! I was sick of living in the cage he locked me in. I was sick of him coming and going as he pleased,telling me lies of what he was doing and who he was doing it with and expecting me to be sitting at home waiting. So for all of you want to be experts in the matter. I didn't have sex with this guy. I was the one who came clean to my husband about what happened. I volunteered the information. Why would I do that and keep the sex part out of it? It is also very important for you all to know that he did know about it 15 years ago. He maybe didn't know all of the details, but he knew we made out. Guess what! He stayed friends with this guy after it happened. I have been 100 percent faith-full to my husband. I am not a cheater or a liar. He is the only man I have ever been with like that. So sorry that is so hard for people to except. I guess when someone hears that this type of commitment between two people does exist, they become jealous. 15 years ago I apologized for what I did and thought we were moving on. Recently I apologized again for what happened. But I will not apologized for what I didn't do, and I will not continue to be interrogated about it! The truth is the truth, take it or leave it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): Thanks for your replies. I have never slept with anyone even though I have had chances at times when we took small breaks from each other while dating (we were not on a break when she cheated). I did not because I knew that if she found out, she would be hurt deeply and it would be over for us. I still cared for her and did not want to ruin a chance of getting back together with her. I did not even put myself in the situation where I may have a chance of sleeping with other girls. I had girls ask to get together and I declined. I now feel like a fool because I was being so faithful while she was not. She has also recently brought up another time that she "just kissed" a guy while we were dating. My brother in law told me today that his wife (my wifes sister) said my wife slept with this guy. She later then tried to recant that statement saying that she did not know if she slept with him. I pressed again about this to try get the truth and she got mad at me for being so persistant. She still denies sleeping with him, but had said a couple of things that triggered some more doubt. She said "what would it matter if I did,... but I did'nt" and "do you really think you could handle the truth if I did... but I did'nt". She then told me she did nothing wrong and compared it to me with going to watch the strippers back then. That really hurt because how can you compare watching strippers to cheating. I want the truth and her admission of guilt and some show of remorse so that I can get over this. If she can't admit to this now, how can I trust her with anything else she has done in the past and will do in the future. Does cheating in the past as with our situation mean that she is likely to do it again or has done it other times in the past? I am thinking that if a person does it once, they are capable of doing it again. I am having a hard time getting over this. I can't sleep and it is affecting my work.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): I’m sorry for what happened to you. This is extremely serious. Now, I think she definitely had sex with that guy. (I heard that thing too, long time ago...) When she says it was not a big deal that may be so for her, but what counts is that it was easy for her to ignore your love and your relationship. What to do in this case depends on your strength to easily forgive that “crime” (she just killed you - I’m so sorry to tell you this). I don’t know if she really feels sorry for what she did. If she does not cry in shame, then it’s not a good sign. You may think now that you can forgive her, but you will realize after some weeks or months that nothing is the same. This will be true if you are not a stone and, especially, if you really loved her. In time, you may become two strangers. If you do not look now at her as the one destined for you, then there will not be many changes that you can truly forgive her. And if you cannot forgive her, then your relationship will not be as you want. In this case it is easier to get a divorce and move on with your life. If you stay together you will soon see that the repair of your marriage, if possible, is anyway a lengthy and a painful process. It’s a tough decision, I know, but consider all this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): Just wondering how you got wind of this recently?This is the way I see it...she's a liar and you can't trust her. Had she come clean at the time (15 years ago) then what would have been your reaction? Would you have dumped her? The fact is, she never gave you the opportunity to decide because she's a liar. She wanted to be with this other guy while keeping you on the side because you're the nice guy. Even if that wasn't the case, you finding out tells you at minimum that she was stupid in getting that drunk. However, the way you put it, that may not be the case because even in her lies she said the intent to have sex with him was there. Either way you will never know what really happened because you cannot trust her and she will lie to the grave. She would lie to the grave to make you think that she is the person she wants you to believe she is.That she wants to dismiss it now just tells you how:1) She has little to no empathy in being able to understand you as a man and the severity of this transgression and lie. Had you known about this lie back then would you even be together? Moreover, she seems to have no idea how this could rock you to the core. This type of infidelity and then covering it up is as sinister and deceptive as they come. You feel like you've been living a lie and tricked into a life with her because she covered up her infidelity. You knowing this about her would have totally changed your opinion about her. But of course she lied, covering up her true self from you. Has she even apologized? That she's so flippant in trying to dismiss this just shows you how she cannot empathize with you. True characteristics of a liar. She should be begging for forgiveness and telling you how much she loves you and how she'll do anything to make you trust that what happened was really nothing. Whether you would believe it or not is another thing buy she should at least be reassuring you as opposed to trying to brush it off like it was nothing when it is clearly a huge deal and a huge lie. 2) Following up on one, her value system is clearly not what you thought it was. I hate to say it but I think you'll only get past it when you dump her and put your penis in another woman. At that point you won't care much about her because you won't be with her. As it stands, you probably feel, at least I know I would, that she hoodwinked you into being in a relationship with you for the past 15 years. She cheated you out of a relationship with someone else who would have lived up to your standards. Now, do you have kids? That of course would complicate things. Does she satisfy you sexually? Or is she holding back all the time and "not in the mood". If she's a keeper in this critical department and she is a good person and mother otherwise, then I would look to work on things. BUT she needs to know how you really feel. First, she needs to apologize big time, if she can't genuinely do that then you can't even begin to get past this. Even then you will still always wonder about her. If you have no kids, I would definitely be more apt to just leave. But good luck trying to find someone that measures up to you at your age now that 15 years have passed. And that's what she has done to you, cheated you out of a true and special relationship. You would naturally be predisposed to go for someone considerably younger than you. I can very much relate to your situation in that I have only been with one partner intimately. My wife hasn't cheated on me but things I know about her past haunt me to this day some of which I only found out much later. If she cheated on me while we were together then there is no way in hell I could accept it. If you stay with her then there is absolutely no way these thoughts will leave your mind. So no matter what you decide, realize that you will never forget what she did. So you either dump her or learn to deal with it because I have seen little to somehow erase such a betrayal and deception. Considering how you placed much value on possibly being her only partner to begin with (much like myself) then chances are it will be that much more difficult than those who easily engage in sex and have had numerous partners. I have perfectionist tendencies. Do you? If so then I think we can relate that much more. She lied to you about something that means so much to you and the way I think, she should be dumped purely on principle. But on the other hand she has been good in many respects. But one more time, she has cracked your foundations severely. Sorry, but there is no easy answer or advice for you IMO. I'll reiterate, if there are no kids in the picture and she continues to be flippant about it, then leave her, because there would be nothing that will compensate you for the personal hell that your mind will involuntary put you through as long as she is in the picture. You will try to rationalize how you could stay with someone who cheated on you, lied to you and deceived you for a decade and a half. Anything she does that further makes you question your relationship will only amplify your negative thoughts. If she does something good, it will always be tainted by her cheating and deception. Now that she has been discovered as a liar. You will start to question a whole lot else about her as well. Was it only one guy? How many other times did she get drunk? What else has she lied about? These are the consequences of being a liar and cheater. You may want to trust her but you will be forever wondering and living in torment. Those who would tell you this is your problem, then consider them ill informed to say the least and probably liars themselves.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): No it's a big huge deal because it's a question of trust and it raises doubt where there may not need be. Look the past 15 years she may have not done anything and that night may have been a one off, but the fact is she didn't disclose to you when you had your suspicions, now she tells you she was drunk and nothing happened apart from kissing in her panties while he was undressed....yep? *eye roll*On her part that night might have been a mistake and since then hasn't put a foot wrong which is why she feels it's not a big deal, but the truth is she wasn't honest and trying to brushing it under the carpet wont allay your fears and doubts. Sit her done and get everything out in the open, it only take a small thread to unravel the carpet. She has to do this for you. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): The good news is man this was a long time ago and if she's been faithful to you since then, thats a good sign. I dont know how or why this issue was brought up but now it needs to be dealt with.Ive dealt with some rather serious jealousy issues with women (One time, I made several death threats to a guy) and this, for me, would hurt enormously. Im real sorry about this pal. Yeah, I do think they slept together as well because of the intoxication. No one has control when that happens and make very poor decisions usually. If she wasnt drinking, she'd have a higher probability of her conscience kicking in and thus perhaps strengthening her chances that shes actually telling the truth.Hopefully the guy is completely out of your life. If not, Id highly suggest counseling in dealing with any potential anger issues cause believe me pal, Im sure you may have some deep seeded stuff inside about the incident and counseling is a great preventative measure for that. In addition, it could help your marriage greatly overall with the honesty issue here. Why did she not tell you? Why so long before the the confession? Its just a risk of developing bad communication within your marriage when something like that takes years to disclose. So, its best to have ir professionally handled. Best to you and your wife on this man.
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female
reader, JoJoBloise13  +, writes (3 April 2011):
 Look I know this can be hard for you, but if you still care about your marriage you have to talk to her, tell her to be completely honest with you about what happened. I think she's scared of losing you for a mistake from the past. She said they just make out and you think they had sex... You'll never now the truth so you have to believe her or not. This happened when she was your girlfriend, but she's your wife now and I guess is good to you. So with time you will let this pass way and see there's no point to break your marriage for something so meaningless from the past. I have a question for you: Why did you say you had several opportunities to cheat on her and you didn't, like if you regret about it? Think about that... You were strong enough to not cheat, but you put yourself in those situations, don't you? Well maybe that was exactly the same that happened to her, but she was drunk, and we all know that drunk people don't think to much about consequence.Hope everything work out fine to you guys! Let us now what happen!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): If she thinks this is "no big deal" then you do not have a good marriage. This is a GIGANTIC deal.
It might be 15 years ago for her but it just happened today for you. If she has an ounce of concern for your emotions and for the relationship then she won't try to blow this off or deny responsibility.
Yes I agree she probably slept with him. Either way, the burden of proof is certainly on her to make you think she didn't. You would be a moron to just assume they didn't. She is the one that hid the whole thing from you all these years. Even just what she has admitted to doing is enough to be infidelity by any normal measurement.
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