A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. He is very loyal and sensitive... In fact I have never known him to really text other women, even though he is a very friendly person. He is very trustworthy, I honestly don't think he would cheat on me and he always puts our relationship first. We tell each other everything. I have always trusted him.Anyway we were sitting watching TV and he checked his phone, I only glanced for a second and I was really shocked that it was the name from a girl from his work. I asked him about it and he said 'oh its just the girl he gives a lift to work in the morning and she lives on the way,' and he changed the subject asking if I wanted a coffee etc. I've always known he drove a man to work in the morning, but he never mentioned that he also drives a girl to work. I do trust him but I'm shocked he didn't tell me about this and he's been driving her there for months... He told me he didn't realise that there was anything to tell. The text she sent was innocent just saying what time she would be ready to be picked up, and she also has a boyfriend.when we 'talked' he kept saying how he would be nothing without me and how he loves me more than life itself, how he doesn't care about other women and I have nothing to worry about. He kept saying how nothing had happened between them, how I can trust him completely and he only didn't tell me because the thought never crossed his mind as he didn't think it was a big deal. I do trust him but I'm upset that he didn't tell me...I think he would be upset if it was the other way round. He talks about work all the time and he used to tell me about picking this other guy up for work. Am I overreacting? How do I deal with this?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 January 2015):
 I am thinking that it's not a big deal.
and maybe he didn't think it was a big deal but it is to you so he has to respect that.
so the best thing to say is "honey I know you didn't think twice about helping out Sally with a lift to work and I think you are a dear for doing it but I feel a bit blindsided finding out way after the fact."
let him know how you feel. and that you would be more comfortable with a complete accounting of his day from now on. but be aware that it could backfire on you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): My boyfriend did something similar recently. I knew there was a girl working at the studio where he works, he mentioned it briefly, but never spoke about her again. And like your boyfriend, he would always mention people from work, often in detail, except for this girl. Then somehow in an unrelated conversation it came to light that he knows where she lives. I asked how? He said he gave her a ride home "one day." He'd never told me about this. That bothered me. Then I noticed texts between them, seemed innocent though. Mostly work related. Then all of a sudden they are catching up weekly supposedly for lunch and coffee to discuss going into business together. Meanwhile I didn't see any progress in this "business" they were discussing. Seemed like a lot of talk or perhaps an excuse to get together? I just didn't know.
I told him I was uncomfortable with this. I didn't understand his sudden relationship with this woman I'd never met and was not cool with it. And asked him to stop. So he did and stopped pursuing these "business-related" trysts.
I don't think something was going on because if so, I don't think he would've stopped talking to her altogether. Which is what he did. But at the same time, I feel like it was suspicious. There might have been something implicit. Like had I not said anything he would've continued something with her that would've developed into cheating or something. But realistically, who knows what was going on?
If I were you, I wouldn't fly off the handle. Cause you don't know for sure and it could be nothing. But keep your eyes peeled. And certainly bring it up to him that it concerns you that he never brought this up. Remind him how he usually tells you what he is up to, who he gives rides to, so you were a little confused as to why he never mentioned the rides he gives this woman. He is your boyfriend, there is nothing wrong with expressing your concern or even digging a little to find out the extent of their relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 January 2015):
 It is telling a bit that he talked about a guy lift but not the girl, and that she is texting him. I'm not about to say that he's got some thing for her, but it could be that he thought it would cause trouble at home.
I think he should have told you about her. Trust takes time to build, and is never an entitlement. Too many people forget that, and instead of paying a simple courtesy, decide to either feign or show outrage when trust is questioned, depending on what's actually going on. That's never the way to be in a relationship or marriage.
I don't think he needs your permission, but he should have had your knowledge. He would prefer the same from you if you were spending time texting and riding with another man. Just one simple act, disclosure, reinforces and builds trust, which takes TIME.
This is a point where you've found a boundary issue, and it's good to get the understanding out in the open, as in "You don't need my permission to take anyone to work, but it is courtesy to tell me, and I'd appreciate it, because I trust you and you have nothing to hide."
Are you and he "first" relationships?? You said 5 years, so that puts you both as teenagers. He may not realize protocol in things like this. Don't get really upset...just talk it out and you both will be better for it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 January 2015):
 I don't think it's a big deal. My husband picked up (from time to time) male and/or female co-workers - he even once picked up a female co-worker's son from daycare and babysat him, when she had an medical emergency and her regular babysitter couldn't.
He didn't tell me, till he showed up with the little kid.
However, I do find it a little odd that he told you about the guy he would pick up, but not the girl.
You keep mentioning how much you trust him, but this is nagging you a lot. For whatever reason. Maybe because there was something about his daily life you didn't know?
I don't know.
From what you write though, I don't see the big deal. I don't think he needs your permission to give lifts to co-workers or that he needs to inform you of it either. My guess it, he didn't THINK it was a big deal or even interesting enough to share it.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (11 January 2015):
 Hi,
Course he knows he should have told you, thats a no brainer hun. His excuse for not telling you is poor.
He obviously doesn't tell you everything does he?
Maybe its all innocent, but you don't know him as well as you thought you did.
He knew you wouldnt like it so just didnt mention it.
Its a bit shady, but it doesnt mean hes at it though x
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