A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why do people assume that jealousy in a relationship means a lack of trust or some insane amount of insecurity?I'm not talking about jealousy gone out of hand like expecting the other to call every hour or report their schedule or some such nonsense. Just garden variety "hey you are with me and you should think about me". For example: Married couple go to a party. The wife meets up with a man who she has a lot in common with and they have natural chemistry. They talk for most of the party and she gives her time and attention to him instead of her husband. The husband is upset by her lack of focus on him and the other man's infringement on his place in her life. No action occurs but he is still jealous. (To me once you start punching the guy just for talking with her that's when it's an insane amount of insecurity. Or if you accuse her of having an affair even though there is no evidence of that then that is a lack of trust. Just being jealous isn't a precursor to these traits, I think.)What does it mean if a spouse claims they don't care what the other does or who they interact with? People around me seem to connect this with a sign of trust but I just feel this is foolish blind trust and lying about true feelings. For example: I don't see how if a man calls a married woman and suggests they go out for dinner and a movie or meet at a hotel that the woman's husband could not be upset? Or if a man's ex girlfriend thinks that she somehow is entitled to his time and the wife is not at all bothered by this? Aren't these kinds of jealousy normal? Wouldn't those reactions be a little strange?Also is it ever okay for a married individual to act like they are single again(not during separation)? Under any circumstances? Even if they don't act on it physically? And is it really strange to feel that you would do just about anything your spouse requests in order to make them happy? Even if it means not talking with someone else? (To me the idea that my happiness by having a friend is more important than my husband's happiness with our relationship and his place in my heart is just... not working. I can't agree to that. Nobody is more important than him other than our kids.)Lately people, including my spouse, have made it out like I am unstable and have no right to feel the way I do so I wonder if they are right and I really should seek therapy?I feel like I am just so old-fashioned that the people around me do not understand. Is there something wrong with my viewing my husband as king in my heart and home and treating him as such? I love him and respect him and want to honor him in every way I can so I stay home and care for him and our children to the best of my abilities. ...and is there something so wrong with my wanting to be viewed as his queen in return?I have realized that he and my other friends cannot help me because we just have two totally different expectations on life and relationships. I need a different viewpoint that isn't involved, please.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (2 May 2010):
 One of my closest friends went through this exact thing and from her experience I learned these things: When he comes home, look nice. By all means, don't be wearing the same tattered sweat pants and tired t-shirt you threw on when you rolled out of bed (I'm not saying this applies to you, so keep this in mind). Before he comes home, put on normal clothes; a pair of skinny jeans, or soome trendy sweats and a shirt that shows off your figure, maybe a little clevage. Put on some make up and do your hair - not over done, like you're trying too hard, but make yourself look nice enough that you could go out for dinner if he asked. Pick up the kids toys, straighten up the house. Make it seem comfortable and welcoming when he walks in the door, not like he's got to wade through a jungle of toys and dirty diapers everywhere. And most importantly, and probably the most difficult thing is to talk to him about something other than the kids. My friend made the colossial mistake of talking about the kids, jumping up to wipe their nose, or tend to their every need that her husband started to feel invisible when he was at home; like he was no longer a priorty. Also she had nothing interesting to contribute to the conversation because she hadn't spent any time interacting with adults, so everything that came out of her mouth was about what the kids did that day, their new words. It's okay to mention something pivotal, like when they learn how to say "Dadda" but try to think of other things to talk about and when he opens up about his day/job etc, try not to interrupt him, but truly listen. Don't let the kids pull your attention away every time they blow a snot bubble. When a man has been interacting with grown ups all day, you will quickly become less interesting, less educated when all you can talk about is the kids. You have to stay connected to grown ups so I encourage you to pick one day a week, and attend some kind of class away from the kids. It could be pottery or yoga, but it helps you meet other adults and make friends, which will contribute to conversations that he'll find more interesting. Plus you may meet another couple for the two of you to hang out with occasionally. Pick one night a week, and send the kids packing, so you don't lose sight of the time you need to invest in your marriage ALONE. You don't even have to go out, but make it extra special when the kids are gone. Watch a racy movie, or dine on something really special, break out the expensive wine, light candles. Making time for seduction goes along ways toward keeping your marriage from growing stale. Your man is around sexy, interesting, intelligent women all day, I hate to say it, but are going to have to compete somewhat in this department if you want to keep him coming home and acting like he wants to be there. I wish you the best!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Basschick! You know I never even thought that he may consider me "boring" as my staying home to be a housewife and stay-at-home mother was actually his decision. When we first decided to live together I asked him very clearly what he wanted from me because I didn't want him to be disappointed. At the time I worked (way too much) and made about 6 times as much as he did (he was going to school full time, though) which seemed to upset him. Anytime I've ever said anything about the fact that he made so little at that time (not even in an accusatory manner because I honestly didn't care so long as we were happy and had the basics that was all that mattered to me) he gets defensive. Now that I do not work and am at home full time and he makes all the money he seems more content with that but perhaps you are right in that he views me so differently.
So perhaps it is me and it isn't. I cannot help that I'm not out and about all day long working a job. I am at home, cleaning, wiping dirty noses, home schooling, and caring for our two children. I have a very busy life as it is. I only make it appear to him that I do not because I don't want him to think I am not available to him.
Maybe it's time I start.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (28 April 2010):
Did he behave like this before you got married? Or has his behavior become more apparent? He's either a) feeling "tied
down" and somewhat smothered - or b). He sees these other women as more attractive because they have careers and interesting hobbies etc. They aren't waiting by the phone. It's hard to know which one may apply, but his behavior is disrespectful and indicates that he takes you for granted and perhaps regrets getting married. If he continues to ignore your requests, you may need marital counseling to understand what's going on with him. It's not normal for a happily married man to behave like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBasschick, thanks so much for your response. I'm sorry for giving so many examples. Many of them (not all) are hypothetical to express my views and not based on actual events that happened in my relationship. I only did this because most people have been saying that I am not
In my relationship I am the jealous one who is wanting my husband to place me as the priority. He thinks that I don't trust him and am being controlling, jealous (thus insecure) and overemotional. He is away training for his job right now and he is the one who has been acting as if he were single and in college again. I'm confused and I've tried talking this through with him but usually he just gets defensive and blocks me out.
He still talks with his exes who seem to think that they somehow have the right to his time and to interject their opinions on our relationship. (One of them accused me of trying to "get rid of him" when he said he was enlisting in the military. I can't even imagine ever suggesting such an idea to another person.) He places his friends and time with them above me and I learned recently that he was seeking "attractive female" friends not shortly after he left for training. He says he never acted on his feelings and I do believe him but I also feel hurt and confused and when I express my pain at his actions he once again becomes defensive.
I know that I can't change him. I don't expect him to stop having contact with every woman he might find attractive in the slightest or to stop spending time with his friends. He is very social. Usually he is a very wonderful husband and I know that there will be problems in a relationship... that to seek perfection is seeking the unattainable. I just wish that he didn't have to be grinding against something so important to my self-worth as his wife. Or at least talk with me about why he does what he does and not just stare at me blankly. The kind of behavior he has displayed recently is just so strange to me. I can't understand and he seems unwilling to explain.
I just want to affirm that my views really aren't abnormal in a general sense. If they were I'd know that what he says holds more merit and be less concerned or hurt and know I need to take the next step and seek counseling. If they aren't then I guess I have bigger problems. :(
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (27 April 2010):
You gave alot of varied examples and frankly I had a hard time figuring out if your husband got upset because you were talking to another man at a party, or if you were paying him back for taking another woman to dinner. So I will say this; in every relationship there are boundaries. Once those boundaries get crossed, it's perfectly normal to feel jealousy. It has nothing to do with insecurity or insanity, though the offending person will try to make you feel that way, so it shifts the focus off of their behavior. What you hope, is the person you're with will share your same code of boundaries. If not, you will have problems. It's a matter of respect. Perhaps you need to tell them specifically what is acceptable behavior and what is not and hopefully you will both feel the same. People sometimes push those boundaries because they are attracted to another person, and then they try to spin it off like it's your big problem, when in fact they are really playing with fire and putting their relationship at risk. It's hard to tell in your situation because of all the examples you gave. But I hope this helps you out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response, stupidcupid11. I recently decided to try that method: I don't care either. Even though it feels so horribly wrong that it is actually making me a little sick and I don't know how long I can keep up with it. I hate lying and I really feel like acting like I don't care is just that... a lie.
I haven't been calling him that frequently or texting him asking what he is doing. I've got enough on my plate with raising kids and maintaining a home for him to come back to after work that I really don't need the details. I just want some respect and want to be considered first before he makes plans or decides to do something. I don't mind if he decides to go out with the guys after work but is it so much to expect a phone call letting me know? Especially since I usually have a hot meal waiting for him and typically am right there at the door to take his coat and kiss him and dote on him? (I've had times where I waited over an hour in our entryway because he was held up in heavy traffic. I didn't complain. I'd wait forever for him. I just want some consideration. I am extremely traditional and I really love being a housewife but I don't think that should mean that I should give up all sense of personal worth.)
We've talked and I think we've come to a fair start at a resolution but I don't want to keep having an unhealthy viewpoint on a relationship if I really am. I know better than to think I'm okay just because I want to think I am. If I need help I'd rather do that sooner than later.
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A
female
reader, stupidcupid11 +, writes (27 April 2010):
I don't think you are wrong at all. Everything you said about the different scenarios is right up there with how I think too. But you may be doing what I did and maybe that is why you get the reactions you have been getting. I was constantly checking up on him by calling him or wanting him to call me and getting pissed when he would talk sexy with his coworkers. I still struggle with it but am getting much better at keeping my mouth shut and acting like I don't care. Try it sometime, you might get different reactions.
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