A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I have had some problems recently. My friend has just got into a new relationship with a girl he works with and has known her there for a few years. I am happy for them, however I do feel a little jealous. It was only 2 months or so ago he broke up for the second time his ex girlfriend of 3 years, and he has got into a relationship very quickly. She is a lovely girl and very pretty, and so I am envious and jealous of him for a few reasons.1) I have never had someone who I have seen often or who lives closer. All of my relationships have stemmed from internet dating, and they live at least an hour and a half away! She is round his house almost every day. I have never had girlfriend stay round my house ever, even at uni! Always me visiting.2) I have been rejected in the past a few times for reasons like "it would ruin our friendship" This after just a few months or even a few weeks knowing the girl. Now onto the situation with my friend and his new girlfrien, they have known each other for 2 and a bit years, but did one of them mention that it would ruin the friendship, of course not.Now I have been suspicious of people giving reasons like "it would ruin our friendship". Now that my friend has said hes with someone who hes known for more than 2 years at work, it confirms my suspicions that its a cop out!I have been given other reaons /other strange strange comments by women in the past such as:"you are too good for me""come back in 3 or 4 years time""you would make a good husband""you are a real life mr darcy - you would be the perfect boyfriend". - that by someone who I had no interest in So what could I do. Am i picking the wrong women or something wrong with me. Is it ok/understandable to be jealous?Any tips on meeting people who actually live within London or close by - considering Internet dating is my main resource for this, as I dont know too many people and I am shy!
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at work, broke up, ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous, shy Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBump, any more advise is greatly apprciated. I am sick and tired of the excuses and seeing my friends just glide into relationships effortlessly
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am looking at local clubs/hobbies but really trying to find something I enjoy, and of coruse the nervousneess of going there for the first time.I have also asked my two closest friends to help set me up/introduce me to someone. They said they will try , but they havent! and i have been saying this for years (when ive been single). And again, I see people saying and mentioning about their friends introducing their friends to other people (after all its a common way supposidly of meeting partners). So why is this not happening to me? Why are my own friends not setting me up with people - do they think I am ugly?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): Yes, those are all total copouts. The big question is are you in a position, (job, hobby, social circles etc.) where you meet new people regularly? Not just that, but local people? If you do things locally, you'll obviously meet local women. Try joining clubs- cooking, dancing, yoga, spin classes are more likely to have a good ratio of women and if you dont like the hobby and noone interests you, just leave. No biggie.Throw the newbie embarassment out the window, have a laugh at yourself and talk to the girls you find interesting. They may think that you're there to meet girls,( which is perfectly normal, just dont admit it and if you have any trouble just say, excuse me, im very focussed on my pavlova/splits/RPM rate right now and smile), but thats the beauty of it because straight off the bat you arent classified as a teddy bear friend, but you cant be classified as a sleaze either, (which is likely to happen to you in a nightclub). Dont be afraid to flirt a bit, even if its as simple as holding eye contact for just that bit longer than is socially normal. Same with a smile, but I always feel a bit like a goofy, grinning idiot when I do that, (maybe because its less subtle and everyone can see it vs. just the person you looked at). Even the shyest person in the world can do that and it will get the point across that you could be interested, without being sleazy. Too shy to ask them out cos you dont know if they like you enough? Try skipping a week of whatever class/club you're in, then comeback and see if anyone comes over to ask where you were then its a good sign. Its simple enough to say afterwards that you're going for coffee and would they like to join. Its understandable to be jealous, but dont be bitter, do something about it man. There's nothing "wrong" with you, but obviously there is some reason why you're having difficulties and you either aren't meeting or attracting enough women to give you the success that you want... Only you can figure that out. Ignore the things you cant change and focus on the things you can, join a gym, get new clothes, get a weekend job in a bar, new haircut, etc. and most importantly, a positive upbeat attitude towards life. If you have a close woman friend who knows you're a nice guy and wants to see you with a girl she will be more than happy to help make you the most attractive guy you can be, especially if it involves shopping, (meh, it'll suck feeling like her dress up doll project, but it'll be worth it in the end- even if it takes trying 50 pairs of jeans to get there). If you're still jealous, try using it to motivate you to better yourself. Either way, its totally up to you what you do, but if you do what you've always done then you'll get what you've always gotten. For the record I'm a shy guy too and I'm definately not a player. Apologies for going over newbie dating basics 101 if thats not what you were after. Anyways, best of luck bro.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (7 February 2010):
 Jealousy is normal, you're like many other people...comparing your situation to someone elses. But try to not do it. Your friend is a different person than you, he has a different life and different experiences. Comparing yourself to him will do you no good...it will only make you worse off.
The list of reasons you've given that those women used are all just excuses. The women were too nice to tell you no outright so they reject you in a positive way (if there is such a thing) by making an observation about you that's positive. The friendship excuse is also a big one...and you're right, it's a total cop out.
Now as for meeting and dating women...if you don't want the long distance thing anymore, then stay away from women who live far away. It might limit your choices somewhat but it's better than getting involved and then realizing the distance doesn't work for you.
You say you're shy. In that case you need to build some sort of a friendship/connection with a woman you're interested in and take it from there. Approaching women straight off the bat will probably not work for you...and nice girls usually don't fall for that either.
When I say friendship I don't mean become her buddy. When you meet a woman you're interested in, talk to her as a friend would. Get to know her a little but don't get too personal and don't take too long before you ask her out for a drink, a concert, etc. That way you will suss out soon enough whether a woman's interested in you. If not, you move on. Do you play any sort of sports, get involved in a club or something? A lot of women like to be approached in a neutral environment and where they don't feel like they're about to be picked up.
I don't think that anything's wrong with you at all. You've just had a bit of bad luck with things and perhaps you've been approaching the wrong women. And when it comes to asking a woman out. It's best to get to know her a little and through conversation find a common interest you share. That way you can ask her to go to the beach with you, to the music festival, or whatever without it seeming like a big date.
Good luck.
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