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female
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anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. (I'm 20.) I am very insecure about our relationship. I don't even know why. I get so jealous when he text messages other girls that are his friends, that like him or are ex-girlfriends. He doesn't call them at all, but it has gotten to the fact that I have been snooping around in his things to try and find something to confront him. I'm afraid this is going to cause us to break up. I know this is crazy. I just want it to stop. I run things in my head, like: If he wanted to cheat on me, he would've already done it, or he's just text messaging, he's not calling them. Just doesn't seem to work.Oh, and what makes my situation worse is that, he lies about text messaging anyone. I know he isn't doing anything physically because he's always at home (He still lives with his mom) playing his game, if he's not working 8-5. Ah.. will someone help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2006): Well my dear, we all feel the jealousy bug at times. My advice is to simply talk to him about how you are feeling.This doesn't mean confronting him or yelling, but instead say how you feel. He also needs to know that lying about txts is not helping, but making it worse. Men lie about these things because all they want is an easy life, and they never think how it would look if they were caught lying! So just chat and try and help each other out. Stop snooping also! It's a hard habit to break (believe me i know) but if you control yourself and stop then it makes life a lot easier and after a while you won't feel the compulsion to grab his mobile phone!Hope this helps
A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (18 September 2005):
The green eyed monster wakes us up
and makes us wonder are we good enough
Abandoned
Fear lurks near by holding a sign that says
LONLINESS
We are afraid to look at our reflections
In case our eye balls are green
In case anybody sees
If I keep looking
I will find a reason why
Im going to be
LONELY
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2005): No matter how you look at it, or no matter how well-founded it is, jealousy is always an ugly emotion. Clearly, you owe it to yourself to work on your jealousies before these 'ugly' feelings destroy your wonderful relationship. Try to get a better perspective of your feelings and start working on yourself.
There will always be women out there and your bf will or will not come into contact with them. That's a given-you can't do anything about it. But if you are at your best, meaning self-confident, happy within yourself, fulfilled through your own efforts, empowered and in love with life, the guy you are with will think we're the most beautiful woman on the planet. That's because he's in love with our entire being, not the surface. The surface got his attention, but who you truely are is what caused him to fall in love.
So remember this-jealousy is about fear, suspicion, lack of trust, insecurity, and a need to control. None of those are qualities, any self-respecting woman should want. So my advice regarding jealousy is to never allow it to darken your wonderful spirit. It is an emotion that is a red flag that there are other issues that need to be looked at, in yourself. Take this as an opportunity to improve yourself, seek some counseling to get a better understanding of yourself because your jealousy meter is set waaay too high and it’s making you miserable. Your strong "hypervigilant" reactions such as snooping will eventually ruin this relationship. Your bf sounds like a great guy who really cares about you. You just need to develop new thought patterns based on reality. Jealousy can’t thrive in the sunlight of reality and true love. I wish you well my dear-take care and work hard at this.
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (17 September 2005):
 You don't know why you get insecure when he texts other girls? Really? Then I can *tell* you why. Brace yourself:
You get insecure because you're afraid that his friendships with other women will turn into love attractions and he'll be tempted away, simply because you're a hideous witch, with the body of a gorilla and all the personality of giant slug. You worry that if he so much as smiles at another girl, she'll lure him away from you, because you're fat, hairy, ugly and you smell like a dung heap.
Now. Settle down. You can be sure I wrote the most insulting paragraph I could think of, just to make a point. Of course I'm being completely facetious, but how much of the crap I just typed really hit home for you? What parts really stung?
If you zero in on why you're so afraid of him knowing other people, you're on the way to banishing your fears of losing him. Because he *will* know other women in his life. He was friends with other women before he met you, right? And he's met women since you've been together... right? And yet, somehow, he's still interested in you... Right? So, wow... Even though he's been in contact with women all his life, he still - curiously - wants to be with you!
So, is this his problem? Or yours?
Your jealousy and your insecurity and your outrageous snooping around his private things - I hope you're ashamed, because you jolly well should be - are all manifestations of your deep-seated feeling that you're unworthy, and that your boyfriend is stupid and foolish for choosing you, when there are so many other, better girls out there.
So, tell me. If you're so awful, why is he still with you? Is it just possible that he's attracted to you, even though you (like everybody else) have a few faults?
You know in your heart that he's with you because he loves you, so why are you trying so hard to prove that it isn't so? Why are you sabotaging the very thing you're claiming you want?
Remind yourself of this: nothing will drive him away faster than your desperation to keep him all to yourself.
You could let the hair grow under your arms for a fortnight, you could dress in a tracksuit and ugg boots, you could let your personal hygiene go lax for a day... Chances are, he wouldn't bat an eye. But the moment that you suggest that you want to tell him who his friends can be, he's going to jack up and wonder "Who died and made you king of my life?" Keep up the recriminations - and that unholy word - confrontation, and you WILL drive him away.
You're right about one thing. If he wanted to cheat, he would have already. And all your worrying and snooping around and browbeating wouldn't have stopped it, either.
But instead of lurching from one extreme - "He might cheat! I have to keep him away from other women!" - to the other "There's nothing I can do about it..." - why not take him at face value? He says he's interested in you. His actions say that he's interested in you. His history suggests that he's either at work, or with you.
Recognise that your insecurity is YOUR problem and YOU have to handle it. No one else can march into your life and control what you allow yourself to think, so if you don't, you're going to either: a) become so obsessed that you do irksome, controlling things that ultimately drive him off, or b) you'll walk away yourself, because you'll convince yourself he's lying all the time.
Wouldn't you rather just relax and believe him when he tells you the truth?
Seriously.
You're responsible for your thoughts. Control them. They don't control you. You're not a child any more.
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