A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi what do you do when your partner is so lazy we both work he is a labourer and I am a carer we’ve been together for 5 years we have a 3 year old son I came home from work this afternoon been up since 5am came home hoovered the house dusted everywhere washed the pots up made a chicken dinner washed all the pots up bathed our son and put him to bed then he says why are you so tired the only thing he has done all day is take the dog out or pooped to the shop over the road for some tobacco he does nothing and when I mention it to him he just says well tell me what you want me to do should I really need to tell him when there’s clothes in the wash basket or dishes in the sink to wash up I’m at the end of my tether with him And I don’t know what to do he even sleeps in the spare room so our son doesn’t wake him up he smokes weed and spends a lot on it each month which has also caused a lot of problems as I don’t like him smoking it I know it makes people lazy but he is lazy without it I’ve got no idea what to do anymore we are both 32 thank you for any answers greatly appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): BTW...when you want to modify behavior in a person; there has to be reward. He may not thank-you for all the good you do; but thank him and make a big deal out of it when he completes a list. Please don't be condescending or sarcastic. You'll get push-back! You'll deserve it! Not only does pot make some people lazy, but when they get busy; they really get into it!
This might be hard, since he annoys you. Like I said, he's a grown-man; even if he does tend to behave more like a lazy teenager. Guys who do hard-labor think anything less is "women's-work." He hasn't flat-out refused to do anything, he prefers you tell him what you want him to do. He doesn't mean literally, he means inform him what needs to be done; like you're speaking to an adult. Humor him! We know better!
So give him that honey-do list I mentioned. Don't forget to praise him for a job well-done...even when he should be doing it anyway. You're not his mother; so he's not going to do things just because you say so.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): He should not be smoking anything around children. Weed or cigarettes!!! So if he insists on it, hopefully it is done outside and away from your son!
Make a list of what you want him to do. Hand it to him, or leave it on the refrigerator. He won't miss it if it's on the refrigerator. He'll get the munchies!
He's a grown-man, and not likely to take orders from you. Having a kid with a man doesn't obligate you to keep him around; no matter what he does, or doesn't do.
Pot makes some people lazy. If he's a laborer, he's not lazy. It's usually very exhausting work; and it tires you to the bone. If he lacks energy and initiative; that's a personality-trait with or without smoking.
You decided to have his kid. Do you now feel you're in a faux-marriage, and obliged or compelled to keep him around?
That's a matter of choice.
If your only complaints are his smoking and laziness; then give him something to do other than lie around and smoke. On the job, he is given specific tasks to perform. If he requires you to lay-out the tasks of the day; then give him his daily honey-do list. He's not the housekeeper/Mr. Mom type...obviously!
If he doesn't seem to care about the condition of the house, ignores you, and continues to bum around the house; while you bust your backside. Kick him out, and get child-support!!! You can do bad all by yourself; you don't need help in that department. Complaining without taking any action, is just complaining.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (15 July 2019):
 If he acts like a child perhaps start treating him like one, in the sense of drawing up a roster of some sorts. Negotiate it together so there is no excuse for not following through on the expectation. Might help save your sanity not having to keep asking what you find to be the obvious. If that doesnt work, just do the bare minimum of whats needed to be done for yourself and your child. Forget doing anything of his until he gets the idea that things need to be shared around the house.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 July 2019):
 OP, with all due respect, your partner has been a problem for several years. His dog has been unruly, untrained and destructive. Your partner has been ignoring his responsibilities for at least a couple of years now. He’s been sleeping on the couch and ignoring your needs and wishes now for several years.
Here’s the sad, sad truth. Your partner isn’t going to change. He has no incentive to change.
After all these years of asking how to change this ignorant stubborn man, do you think you can accept that he will not be changed?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 July 2019):
 You have more than enough on your plate, working, raising a child, and running a household to be chasing after a grown man to do his chores as if he were a 10 year old boy.
You're already exhausted. What you need is LESS to do, not more.
Understand that your husband does nothing because he's lazy, not because he smokes pot. Yes, weed does make many people sleepy and hungry, but that's why you smoke it AFTER you've done what needs doing.
Your husband is quite happy to let you run yourself ragged. This rubbish about 'tell him what you want him to do and he'll do it' is just manipulation. He knows you'll get fed up chasing and explaining, decide it's quicker to do it yourself, and then he can sit back and blame you for not explaining what you wanted done. It's a win/win for him.
Ultimately, you can't change him, so I suggest you focus your energies on what you can control, which is what YOU do. Cook and clean only for you and your son, buy food you and he like etc...
No announcements, no threats or ultimatums, no discussion, no lists, no explanations. Just quietly go about your business doing the best for you and your son. Let your husband figure out, after a while, that he's being left behind. In other words, you already are a single mother, so start acting as one. Arrange your day according to what works for you, engage in your hobbies, go out with your friends (and when you do be prepared to arrange for a babysitter).
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2019): No you shouldn't have to tell him at all. He's a grown person. That 'tell me what to do' stuff is such an absurd excuse. Doing things around the house that need done is not 'helping you' it's the domestic chores that you should both share and he's leaving them up to you and then blaming you for not giving him a chore list like he's ten years old. He's inconsiderate and selfish and lazy. Look up 'women aren't nags- we're just fed up" by Gemma Hartley in Harpers Bazaar. That'll put into words a lot of what's going on for you.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (14 July 2019):
 To answer your question, YES, you DO need to tell him what you want him to do. Hinting is useless. Doing it all yourself will not change anything. Even if you have to tell him over and over, get him doing things until he gets into the routine. Get him taking out the rubbish. Get him helping with your son. Get him washing dishes. Get him walking the dog. At the moment you are cleaning up after two children. If he refuses, refuse to cook/clean for him until he realizes that it is not your duty to wipe his bum for him.
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