A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:this is extremely long, sorry... ive been keeping this all inside for a very long time and it felt really good to finally get it out...I need help. I have really gotten myself into a pickle with this one. I have know my best friend for about 9 years now,(we'll call him jack) we met in high school and hit it off immediately. We were both very interested in the other but neither of us wanted to hurt our friendship so we kept it a secret. It wasnt till after we graduated that i got the nerve to tell him how i felt about him. It was a huge shock to me to find that he felt the same. It was a very bad time for both of us however, he had enlisted in the airforce and i had recently accepted a business opportunity on the far side of the country. We tried to have a relationship long distance but it failed like LDRs often do. It was 2 years before i was able to get back in touch with my friend. By this time we had both grown quite a bit, we had both dated other people, but neither of found what we were looking for in anyone else. We connected like we had never been apart and resumed what we had of our relationship before. He was now working as a captain on an ocean liner and never spent any time at home. I took this to mean that he wasnt ready for a steady relationship and i moved again.I got a call from this guy about 6 months after i moved, he said he was really hurt that i moved and felt like i was just toying with him. He told me that because i wasnt taking my relationship with him seriously, he had decided to marry another woman whom he was seeing. I then made a huge mistake and decided to accept a proposal i had received from a guy i was only seeing for a short time. i figured "hey why not? jack married someone else so no point in ruining his life" Jack still called occasionally and started talking to my husband, they became reluctant friends and soon jack had gotten inside my husbands guard. I stopped talking to jack trying to be respectful of my husband but he continued his friendship not understanding the position it put me in. I had explained to my husband many times the relationship i had with jack and the situation before my marriage but he never got the picture. I realized what a mistake i had made when i learned things about my husband i didnt know/see before. He is ADHD/Bipolar and is a pathological liar. He was working when we met, but when i married him he only worked for a month then when he knew i was good and stuck he quit his job. Ive been married to this man 2 years now, and he hasnt worked another job in all that time. He's bee going behind my back pawning things and borrowing money from our friends that he knows he cant pay back. I decided it was time i left and i told him i wanted a separation. I told him what i was upset about and i told him my conditions before i went back to him, and i left. When i got back to my home town i was out catching up with my old friends that i hadnt seen in years and i ran into jack. All the feelings i had been trying to bury came flooding back. we went to lunch and talked about life, and he told me he had left his wife, that things werent working out. (i never asked for the details of that.) Now, i am totally lost in life. Ive never felt for my husband the same need i have for jack, and we talk all the time now, and i dont think i want my husband back if there is the slightest chance i can have jack... i know wi did wrong and i know i married my husband for the wrong reasons, and i know i made a vow and i know all that stuff... but after what i went through with my husband i cant stand to be around him. I dont believe in divorce but now im just utterly at my wits end trying to figure out what im gonna do. any advice would be wonderful.
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best friend, divorce, liar, long distance, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): Yes that is quite a pickle!
But I don't understand why you consider divorce such a sin against God if you married a man you hadn't known very long. But I agree with the other answers - I think in this situation, with a man who is lying and pawning things and sponging off you - that is not a healthy marriage or relationship. It seems whether or not Jack was on the scene that a divorce is necessary as he is not a loving and respectful husband.
You and Jack seem to have something very special. You do need to talk things through clearly, and both get a divorce to be free to date without committing adultry. Deep love does not come around everyday so I would say don't let Jack slip through your fingers again.
Also I would add that it probably is not a good idea to rush into marriage again - you are still very young. I wish you all the luck in the world. Don't let real love pass you by, it is precious xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to point out that i have not commited adultery. Well... not the physical part that is.
thank you both for your advice, i think i knew what was gonna be said, and as far as the divorce thing, when your taught for as long as you can remember that divorce is a horrible awful sin against god, its a difficult thiing to innitiate....
ill let everyone know what happens...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): you don't believe in divorce but adultery is alright with you?
whether you believe in divorce or not is not important. you need to do the right thing and start divorce proceedings here. you feel you have messed up until now so before you mess up even more, end the marriage.
tell your jack to divorce his wife as well.
what else is there really, except divorcing both your spouses?
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