A
female
age
36-40,
*ercedes1191
writes:Ok so here is the deal. I met my husband about 5 months ago and we got into a relationship pretty quickly. I fell deeply in love with him and I thought he felt the same for me. A month and a half into the relationship I found out that he was still in contact with his Ex and we almost broke up but he severed all ties with her and he said that he didnt want to hurt me and didnt want to be with her and that that relationship had ended. Well I forgave him and about a month later I moved in with him. We decided to get married that month and had a Vegas wedding just the two of us. The problem is is that we have been married now its going to be two months and there are some problems that I cant seem to put to rest. 1. he's never said that he loved me. He claims that he is not an emotional person that I should know the answer if he married me, and that I might never hear him say it.2. He is a fit person. he isnt Hot but he is cute and he is skinny. I am not. I am not HUGE but I do have a belly and he is constantly telling me that I should loose weight and that everyone else he has ever dated was skinnier than me and he has also told me that he had to adjust to going out in public with me because he's never been with a heavy girl. **** I haven't gained weight since I started seeing him I actually lost 10 lbs since then so its not like I got fat after he met me...3. We went out to go get his daughter from his ex's house and dropped me off at a store "to get curtains/to kill two birds with one stone" while he picked her up. Coming back from the visit he wanted me to get out of the car and wait for him at a video store while he dropped her off. I refused because all I was going to do was stay in the car. He got extremely upset that I wouldnt get out and said that if I cant go by what he says that I wont see his daughter anymore. 4. He is an Immigrant and I am a US citizen... so this is worrying me that he might only want to be with me for his papers though he always says that its not about that. 5. He can have a nasty attitude sometime and can be very sarcastic. Anytime i bring these things to his attention he says im overreacting, that i should just stop giving him problems and keep it to myself, and that if i was so unhappy that I should just leave that he isnt keeping me there... 6. when its our day off together he rather watch tv all day and not be with me. BUT I LOVE HIM and he has done some pretty good things for me. He bought me a car, he cooks for me on his days off, if i need money he gives it to me with out me having to ask, he is occasionally romantic, and I know he isnt cheating. All these things affect me and Im at breaking point. I dont know what to do. I know I can leave but Im so afraid to loose him, I love him soo much..I NEED ADVICE__________________ Amanda
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): Dear Poster
It seems like your relationship with your husband has been like a rollercoaster ride; up and down; from your latest posting it sounds as if your "TALK" with him is giving you some more hope again;
I want to suggest a few things to you; I am not trying to upset you, I only want to try and help you.
As you got married rather quickly and as you are still young and whilst you are having these UPS and DOWNS; please don't fall pregnant now;
As you and your husband have got a different outlook in life on certain issues (maybe because of culture); I suggest you both go for counseling; it will help you both to find ways to better understand each other and to COMMUNICATE your feelings, but also for him to laearn how to RESPECT you;
I understand that you love him, but he will have to learn how to treat you with RESPECT; he needs to learn how to be loving and kind; he needs to learn how to value and appreciate you; if you try tell him all this, he migh get upset or think you are complaining;
BUT
if a therapist explains to him and give him guidance with this, it might help him to understand you better and to treat you better.
You DESERVE Happiness and a loving marriage; not just materialistic things;
Money cannot buy happiness, love or respect.
Don't let him doubt yourself; or allow him to affect your self image; you must not loose yourself confidence; then you will become a walkover;
I am sure you are a very strong and bright young lady; I really just want what is best for you and do not want to see you getting hurt;
Best wishes, lots of hugs and SMILES.
A
female
reader, mercedes1191 +, writes (21 August 2008):
mercedes1191 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your responses and support. I dont have a family to talk to really and was all alone before I met him. That was probably part of the reason why I moved so fast with him, I was alone and he was showing me all the love that I had been missing all those years.
My husband has all of these faults but he also has all of these great moments that I cant help to think about and feel like I can can get through this because of them.
Last night I got home at around 10:30p from school and obviously I was still upset and I hadn't talked to him all day even though it was his day off. By the time i had gotten home I was already decided that this wasn't going to work. I had worked so hard these past years to build up my self confidence to have someone slowly chipping away at it.
So back to last night.... I got home and went to our room and the lights were off and there were lit tea lights everywhere a table cloth on the floor with home cooked food (baked tilapia and vegetables) and champagne and he was standing there with the most beautiful assortment of flowers and said "lets talk about this. I dont want to loose you"
Now of course my plan of being upset and indifferent to him went out the window.
We ate and we talked (I cried) about everything that was bothering me and why what he was doing to me wasnt healthy for me and I told him that I cant be that obedient wife that stays home all day cooks and cleans and lets him do whatever he pleases with me because I am not that person, i was not raised that way (i was barely raised),I am way too independant and the only thing I am needy for is love but I can sustain myself and I do not need him to be my crutch.
He said that he understood and that that was what he loved about me. He said that some of the things that he says he says them out of anger because he is not used to a woman telling him no and he has never lived with a women before and that it is all new to him like it is to me and that he is not used to things going his way. He said that he knows what he says sometimes is wrong and after he says it he regrets it but by then I am so hurt that he doesnt know what to do to make it better so he just leaves the room to give me space and time to cool off...
He said that he can't change who he is from one day to another because he has been this way all his life but that he doesnt want to loose me so he will try to get better.
About the fitness thing, he says that he knows that I am trying and that is why he doesnt say anything else about it and his reason for telling me about his ex's is to motivate me to keep going.... I told him it doesn't work that way and all he is doing is making me feel jealous and worse.
he said that he doesnt want to take me away from his daughter and that he doesnt know what he was thinking when he said that because he loves the way I am with his daughter and sometimes gets jealous because she loves to play with me more than him. He said that he knows that getting into a relationship with someone who already has a child is hard to deal with... I said that it was NEVER a problem, I love his daughter just as much as I love him. I had a stepmother and she was abusive emotionally and physically. Now that I have my stepdaughter I want to show her all the love I can give her and I want her to know that i will be there for her just as much as he will.
This made him tear up.
It was a great conversation and a great way to resolve things. He said that one of the main things that let him know that I was the one he wanted to be with was that I am not a fighter, I dont scream or curse, I rather talk things out.
I am not completely over the problem but if he makes an effort than I will be happier. I am going to stay with him for now and hope that he can change.
Thanks for all your help I really appriciate it!
I just have one more problem but I dont that will get resolved antime soon...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): Sorry, it's me again. I forgot to say that maybe talking to him about these specific issues will make him realise that he has married an American woman and he has to learn to change his ways. Communication is marriage is always good. Talk-talk, not shout-shout, try to see if you can come to some solution about these non-negotiable issues of his. COMMUNICATION in marriage, might just help him to understand and change his ways...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): PS: Points are unimportant, but your happiness will make me feel really good.. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): No you don't babes, you don't have to stay if your not happy. You can always go home, he will understand, your folks will understand, we make mistakes, but if we're unhappy we can make different choices. I'm sorry I'm harsh and offensive, but that's just my way, I didn't mean to hurt you, I just wanted to understand the position you find yourself in.
I misunderstood the daughter thing, of course he can't threaten to take her away. Obviously your trying to be a good stepmother, her mother seems to accept you. I would be angry too if he used a child to force me to do what he said. Angry, I'd (sorry for the English) fucking hit the wall, because I like kids, and if I married him, I'd feel like she was partly mine as well.
The excersise thing, as I said, why should you bloody change, you got a little tummy, well you not huge or large, you've got a little women's tummy, lots of men think that's cute. I don't want you to get body issues, your fine the way you are, that's how he found you when he married you. Encouragement to get fit is different to making you feel uncomfortable in your skin.
The personality problem is a biggy... It dose raise some huge red flags...
OK.. How about you try looking at this. It's a little guide on how to spot potential abuse and it just might help you to figure out if it is worth staying or not...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
Talk to him about these really important issues. He may come from a culture where a man is dominant and he expects you to behave like the women in his country, which of course is hard for you. I agree these things seem to be non negotiable, but you don't have to rush out and do anything right now.
You can wait and see if things get worse. Stop excersing and stand up for yourself and the values that you have been brought up with....
You can tell him you need some space to think, call your folks and go home, or go and stay with a friend, and think about if you can stay or not...
Or you can decide that it's too hard, it's all been too rushed too soon, and go for a permanent seperation, with the next step being divorce...
Thanks for updating, I don't like this "controlling, bullying" attitude either. Your his wife, your his equal, your not a baby and your not a dog, he is not your master. I love the way you think, you are looking at this logically and trying to work it out in your mind. Now I'm starting to worry about his temper and I'm thinking maybe your not safe after all, so I would like you to contact a good friend who will be there to support you and maybe allow you to come and stay at short notice.
This is only a two month marriage, your very young, and nothing is fixed in stone. I hope I have helped. If not, I'm hoping that you will get better advice from somebody else. Take care babes, and please keep updating us about your situation, I need to know your safe, and if things get better or if they get worse. Don't worry, no your not crazy, these things are very worrying, and I misunderstood untill you wrote and explained. Think about what I've said, and I hope that one of these suggestions will be the right one for you. Good luck, blessings, take very good care of you.
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female
reader, mercedes1191 +, writes (20 August 2008):
mercedes1191 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThough your words are a little harsh, they are absolutely true.. thats why I rate you a five.
The thing about the daughter is that his ex is married and it isnt as if i was going to the front door of the house. I was staying in the car which was parked further up the street out of the houses view. I know that I am a new stepmother and him threating to take her out of my life is not appropriate.
In regards to my fitness, since we got married he signed me up for a gym and i have been going three times a week. I dont have time for anything else because I am a full time receptionist and a full time student.
He was never nasty or sarcastic when we started dating, I would think I would have seen this behavior before...
You are absolutely right I should have waited and now I have to pay the consiquences.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): Hi Amanda, you present as aged 18-21 and currently living in the USA. Your husband is an immigrant and you and him ran off to get married after a very short relationship of 5 months.
You do know what they say, marry in haste, repent in lesiure. I'm sure that your family and friends would have probably advised you to wait but you didn't, and know your disappointed with the choices you have made.
What did you expect married life to be like anyway, did you expect it to be all hearts and roses, did you expect everything to be wonderfull and happy ever after. Why didn't you wait, you hardly know this guy and now your finding out tons of stuff that you really don't like.
There is nobody here that can advise you what to do and even if we did, I doubt you would listen to us. Everybody always tells young people to wait, and this is the reason why.
OK, lets take his good points first. He is very generous to you, with his time and his money. He dosen't cheat and he tries to be romantic and good to you. Well it dosen't sound like he is using you, it dose sound as if he's trying to treat you as a husband should.
But you've got a list of things your unhappy with. He's not romantic enough. Well he married you, he wouldn't do that unless he had some feelings. Words are cheap, guys that want to get passports tell women "I love you" all the time, but then they run off, or they cheat. Would you rather have the kindness or the words.
He's a fitness freak, he wants his wife to look good. Tell him to knock it off. The same thing goes for him. He married you just the way you were, it's not fair for him or you to try to change things now. However on his side, some fitness never hurt anyone. But don't get a hangup, if he bloody dosen't like it then he also has the option to leave.
He's nasty and sarcastic, he likes to criticise you. Well this is a personality flaw, if you knew him better you would realise that. This is unlikely to change, but you can learn to deal with it and find a way to make him stop, by telling him to shut up and stop putting his negativity on you, because you'd rather make love than fight.
Daughter and ex, well he's frightened his ex will get jealous and take his daughter away. I would go along with him on this one. He's is desperate to keep his daughter in his life, you should help out. After a while, everything will settle down and he will be able to bring his daugher and you together, remember you are a stepmother now and she is your stepdaughter.
That's how your story goes.. You've written down what you like about him and what you hate, but you can't change people, you can only change yourself. The choice is yours, get out now or stay, it's impossible for anyone to help you or tell you what to do. At the end of the day, how much do you love this man and how bad do you want to stay.
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