A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I believe I have pushed boundaries and gone too far in creating an unhealthy friendship with a coworker who is also an indirect boss. I felt a connection as we are similar in age and for my career aspirations because I would like to be in a similar position someday. On the outside she is confident and very successful, but inside she shared with me some of her inner turmoils. I don't even know if this is true or a way for her to connect with me as at my core I am a helper, and people can often sense these things. I thought I could help her and change her, but I also struggle with my own issues. Looking now I think it was haughty and perhaps in some ways selfish to think I could take it on. Some of her behaviors due to her insecurities makes it extremely difficult to have a relationship with, let alone work with.I am starting to think it is unhealthy for both of us, with our working dynamics. To make matter worse I am concerned about my feelings extending beyond platonic due to our working relationship and the fact due to her sexuality she is incapable of returning and/or expressing those feelings. I worry we are too close and know too much about each other we have shared as a part of our 'friendship' possibly to the point it may interfere with our working relationship. Now I have a better understanding of why people insist on work/personal boundaries. I was even wanting to go further by going drinking, dinner etc with my 'friend'. I think she was more hesitant and knowledgeable about the complications. There was already an issue where I became angry and exploded a little with her-basically stating I would keep it professional and needed space. She did as I requested but during that time when I saw her at work she seemed hurt and sad. I apologized and she insisted she was not mad-but I think she possibly was or should have been but she was too busy and over concerned with being 'nice' to me. That is another issue because looking back she has said yes and agreed to things I later realized she didn't want in order to please or be agreeable-as I stated she is good at masking her feelings to an extent and part of her struggle is being accepted/liked.So I feel it needs to end for both of our sakes but I am unsure how to. I want to explain what I shared here with her. I am nervous of hurting her and also being human any actions she may intentionally or unintentionally take against me or treat me in a way that makes things more difficult for me. I do think it could be different if we did not work together. I am not in a position to move and outside of her I actually enjoy my position and the location, etc. I won't go into all the details but she feels the same. Please help!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2023):
 Look elsewhere for a new job, it's not a good environment for either of you.
Or talk to her AFTER work and let her know that you feel you two need to stick to a totally professional work relationship. Maybe do it over email so there is a paper trail if need be.
Is there a way to transfer to another team or section? If so, look into that.
If the "talk" doesn't help... Just be "too busy" to hang out outside of work, and STOP trying to be her friend and keep ROMANCE out of the work place.
You need to be a grown-up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2023): You wanted to be friends because you could benefit from her experience, wisdom and position, oh dear. It backfired.
Friendships only work when they are honest and both benefit equally.
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