A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy for about 6 months, we are not official but it was definitely heading that way. I have always been iffy about the idea of being with him coz he was a player but I thought Id give him a chance. He hasn't done anything wrong exactly, but I now know that he is not the guy for me. Problem is I haven't vocalised the issues as they have arose, and now I want to break up but it would be so out of the blue coz everything appears to be going smoothly. I have never broken up with anyone so Im scared to do this, and I know he has got me an xmas present which he has excitedly been talking about since november, so I don't want to make things extra difficult by breaking up around the holiday period. How can I do this. Should I get more distant until after the new year? I know some of you will say do it right now, but Im scared. We have had phone sex and thats the furthest Iv ever gone with a guy and now Im terrified he will say something to people about me. Im just a coward. Please give me some advice, maybe a step by step manual on how I should tackle this. Please.
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female
reader, heretohelp1  +, writes (2 December 2011):
i thought you might like some honest advice from a girl a similar age to you, so here i am.Yes ideally you should have finished it as soon as you had doubts but thats not how the world works. you need to finish with him because i know from experience that the longer you stay with him the harder it will get to finish it. Also, the longer you leave it, the stronger his feelings will get and the more hurt he will be.You need to be honest with him because it will be worse for him if you patronise him and give him the whole 'it's not you it's me' line. Just tell him that you don't think your feelings for him warrant having a relationship, and you think you should be friends, apologise for leaving it so long but at least you didn't get too serious.If you think he is the type of guy that will go out and tell people how 'serious' you have been or not serious as the case may be, then he really isn't worth your time because thats really childish and a real relationship would be when you are on the same level of maturity with your partner.It will feel awful now but once it is done you will feel the relief and it will get easier i promise.Gd luck, hope i helped, :)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 December 2011):
 Do it today; you'll feel a huge sense of relief and will get control of your own life back. As for what he tells people you did, phone sex honestly isn't the worst, AND you were dating. So people expect you to be doing something, and if that something was merely phone sex, well, that's basically a non-issue. If he has a rep as a player, they'll expect him to have tried something. They'll probably make fun of him because that was as far as he got with you. I think you can take that worry off the table. That reason doesn't get any easier the longer you stay with him, so don't allow your fear to be an obstacle here.
The present can be returned now, which will keep you from feeling guilty for accepting something you really didn't want, and which if you kept it, would stick around as a reminder of this relationship. So another reason to break up now.
You don't have to have a specific incident or specific reason to break up.
"John, look, we have to talk. I have been hoping that my feelings would be growing stronger for you but unfortunately I'm just not developing the feelings that should be in a relationship. It's time for us to part company as dates and go back to a platonic friendship. Sorry if this hurts you but I just can't continue in the relationship any longer."
You tell him you are breaking up with him and then you leave. You don't stick around to comfort him and you don't spend hours holding him or anything like that. You tell him and you leave. If he's a player, he'll know the drill.
If you are fearful for your safety, bring a friend along to stand nearby as you talk to him. He or she doesn't need to be in earshot but should be able to see you are safe. If you are really worried, break up over the phone. Do not break up over text; that's too low a blow.
Breaking up is not nice, it does not feel good, it isn't a party. Like many things in life, though, it does need to happen and it should be approached like a particularly awful doctor's appointment or a surgery. You straighten your spine, screw your courage to the sticking point and go in and do what you need to do. Be brave, you will be so much happier after you get this over with. You know you need to do it, don't make your next month (and his) miserable because you are trying to postpone the inevitable, okay?
Go do it now, so you don't spend too much time thinking about it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2011):
 You have to be honest with him. Chigirl is so wise in that you should bring stuff up as it happens but we all know how hard that can be...
So maybe now as things come up you can let him know that it's not working for you....
and chocoholicfever is right you don't need a REASON to end it... they can be a great person but it just is NOT working for YOU... that's enough of a reason. We must be true to ourselves.
If you wait and let things fester you will build resentment and anger and it will be a much uglier breakup than need to be. do not wait till you are too angry and resentful to be an adult about it.
As for phone sex... big deal you know how to use words... that's a good thing... don't worry about it.... grown up people do not go around talking trash about people they love or loved.... the accept the pain of the breakup and move on, hopefully with fond memories.
yeah it's a bit close to the holidays but if you wait and do it right after he may think you hung in there for the gift etc...
time to start breaking the news to him now... and yes he will be on here posting about how his gf blindsided him he thought everything was going well and NOW she tells him she's unhappy how does he fix this...
if you KNOW there is no way to fix this.... there is not much you can do... hugs to you for having do so something so hard....
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 I was in this situation once. The best thing to do is be prepared, and "just do it". I will tell you what I did:I picked a day (a deadline), and I prepared a speech. I tried to prepare him before it happened by not seeing him or talking to him very much leading up to that day and telling him I wanted to have an important talk. Then we met, we sat down, and I gave him the speech I prepared (also try not to keep him in suspense for too many days, that is cruel). I told him I had been having some problems with the relationship and that I wasn't happy anymore with how things were going. Then I just said "I want to break up, I am breaking up with you." Then its over, and you've done it. Most people I have broken up with actually take it pretty well. Its sad, but you get through it.I think you have a responsibility to break up with him sooner rather than later. Its not good to let the relationship linger on when you aren't really in it. I think that is not a nice thing to do to someone. So, I think you should break up with him before Christmas. Don't worry about what people will think of you after, you can't control that and it shouldn't have any bearing on whether or not you decide to stay with this guy. Would you really want to be stuck in a relationship you don't like just because you are afraid of what people will say? That is not fair to anyone. Good luck to you, what you are doing is difficult but in my opinion, it makes you a better person. So many people stay in relationships they aren't happy with, and eventually that starts to cause both people to suffer. So, be brave!
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 December 2011):
"He hasn't done anything wrong exactly, but I now know that he is not the guy for me."
The other person doesn't need to have "done anything wrong" for you to justify breaking up. You don't stay in a romantic relationship with someone simply because they haven't committed any criminal acts, that's not the point of relationships.
If you are not interested in being in this relationship anymore, then you have a valid reason to break up, because staying together wouldn't serve the purposes of being in a romantic relationship.
There's never a good time to break up, so I think the sooner the better. I think it's better to be honest and direct, even though it will seem out of the blue to him. Don't distance yourself gradually, because that's messing with him and manipulating him in order to ease your own discomfort (he will be upset over the break up regardless of how you do it). If you distance yourself, he might try even harder to be extra nice to you, which will make you feel even worse about breaking up with him (considering how afraid you are to hurt his feelings right now).
There's no painless way to break up with someone, so I think your goal shouldn't be to minimize your or his discomfort, but simply to conduct yourself with as much honesty and integrity as possible and treat him with respect. And to me, this means meeting him for a face to face talk (not breaking up by text or email). Not playing games (such as simply going cold and treating him badly hoping that he will eventually be the one to break up with you or be relieved when you finally break up with him). And, not beating about the bush. For example, don't spend an hour talking about all the problems in the relationship, when what you really want to say is "I'd like to end this relationship." You can prepare him a bit for this by telling him ahead of time, "I'd like us to get together to talk tomorrow, I'd like to talk about our relationship and where it's going" and if he wants to just talk there and then , then you can. But if he feels for whatever reason that he's not ready to hear anything he doesn't want to hear then you're giving him a chance to prepare himself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 Your mistake was to not vocalize the issues as they came along. No relationship will ever work for you if you keep things hidden and don't deal with issues as they come. It all just builds up, nor is it fair on your partner as they have no clue you have problems with them. You need to start vocalizing yourself, or else this is the situation you will land in. What you need to do now is to suck it up and tell him, without leading him on further. Don't be a player yourself, don't string him along for months when you are secretly planning to leave him and have been wanting to leave him for some time now.
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