A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,I am having a complex problem as of now and need you to give me some advice. Let me first give you a brief summary about myself. I am a 28 year old moderately successful man. I was born in poverty and learnt the hard lesson of life quick that one needs to be successful financially in this world to gain something. I was good at studies, went to College, earned an M.S in telecommunications, and now work for one of the largest IT companies in the world. (Right now it seems I am a great guy but read further to find out what a jerk I am).All throughout my life I was able to move ahead in life because I focused on how to work hard and be successful. So much that I never had a woman in my life (none at all). Of course I had biological urges and for that I used escort services (and you have all the rights in the world to think of me as gross). I never really needed a woman in my life. Suddenly for the past one year I have started feeling a deep and strange need for a woman in my life (not biological need, but a need to be in a kind of romantic relationship). I kind of feel an urge to hold a woman’s hand and desire her company (to be honest few years back I would have laughed at such a man). I have observed I have started feeling lonely and unconsciously started staring at them.My questions are as follows:1. Has it ever happened to anyone, is this just a passing fad and I should ignore it and move on in my life? Is there a way I can become a guy who never cared about stupid things like love and emotions? 2. Should I consider dating/marrying a woman, or would it not be selfish on my part? I mean honestly, no woman is worthless enough to be in relationship with a man who frequented escorts, and God knows, even if I was in a relationship with someone I might cheat on her (I don’t plan to but given my history, I can’t guarantee).3. All my life I have never been emotionally attached to anyone. I am not even sure that I can really keep a woman happy. In such a situation would it make sense for a man like me to get into a relationship? I mean I don’t want to spoil someone’s life for my happiness. 4) Am I talking pure nonsence, and do I need to visit a doctor?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): "Tons of women would love to have a man like you!"I would not want a relationship with someone who went to escorts/prostitutes. What you've said about your emotional history with women and that you think you could potentially cheat on someone who you had a real relationship with are red flags. Plenty of men build up a career when they're, dating, in relationships, married and with children. I think this says something about how you view women in general and that you're selfish. It's ok in your mind to use another person to serve your physical needs so that you don't need to do the work or to have an emotional relationship. I think you need to do some work on yourself before you enter into a relationship with someone.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 hi
you don't know until you try. you say you have never been emotionally attached to anyone before but this may be because you have not chosen to be/ or had the chance to be in a real relationship before. i am guessing that you have had a difficult upbringing with no real parental love? if this is the case get therapy to heal yourself first before you get involved with a partner.
the fact that you can recognise your faults and that you are here now asking if we think you have any chance of changing and making someone happy is very promising for a start!
you seem to be dissatisfied with how your life is turning out (with regards to relationships) so yes, i think you should give yourself the chance to be in a good relationship.
to be honest, not many women will want to give you a chance when you tell them that you have only been with escorts in the past, they will probably find it hard to trust you but as long as you are honest about things and tell them that you did this because you had a pretty messed up view of relationships and love but you are now getting professional help to resolve your issues, then i do not see why they would not welcome a relationship with you.
to accept help for your problems is the emotionally mature thing to do so i hope you can do this
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): It's not that it would be unfair for your to have a relationship given your past...but it probably would raise some red flags to the average woman.
If I met a guy with only a history of using escorts, I would have these concerns:
-He may have problems being intimate with a women.
-You may run rather than deal with difficulties or there were conflicts
- Your history of using escorts has colored your opinion of women in general. For instance, you may subconsciously think to yourself that all women will perform for money on some basic level, because that's all you've known.
- Your history of using escorts has colored your opinion of sex in general. For instance, you may think that sex is all about your pleasure, because you've only done it relieve your biological urges, not because you wanted to please a women.
One thing that worried me about your post was this statement:
"I mean honestly, no woman is worthless enough to be in relationship with a man who frequented escorts, and God knows, even if I was in a relationship with someone I might cheat on her (I don’t plan to but given my history, I can’t guarantee)"
What I can see is that you're so judgmental about yourself and your history and you might very well push that judgment onto women you date. I can definitely see you walking out or cheating on a quality girl because you think it is not in your nature to commit and that you're "worthless" because of your history. I can also see how you might judge women to be worthless just because they choose to take you seriously.
You don't like your history, but it doesn't mean that the women who have slept with you, or who will sleep with you, or you yourself are worthless.
I think your biggest hurdle will just be learning how to be intimate with a woman since all of your other relationships have been a transaction. I would get into some counseling, talk about it, and try to start dating.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Why are you so hard on yourself? No, you are not gross. You are a well educated, successful, professional. It's not weird, or stupid, to crave an emotional connection with a woman. In fact, it's a basic human need (according to Maslow).You will never know how things will work out in a romantic relationship until you try. I realize that society makes it more difficult for men in that they must make the first move. Since you have never done that, I can understand why you might be intimidated by the process. If I were a guy, I know I would find it difficult. There is always the possibility of rejection, and no one likes that.You cannot undo this development in your emotional growth to avoid pain. You ignored these feelings for a long time, so as to focus on your career. Now you have started to feel what most of us feel, and you have started to want what most of us want. You are yearning for intimacy with another. There is nothing silly about that. When you do have such a relationship the world becomes a less lonely place.The only way to get over this is to face the fear and do it anyway. There are lots of dating sites now that make the process of choosing someone that is right for you much easier. If you are having a lot of anxiety over this issue, it might be best to consult a professional. We can all say we think you shouldn't have feelings of insecurity because you are so accomplished, but only you can make a decision about obtaining professional help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): I hope it helps to hear from a self confessed fussy woman.You are obviously aware of your feelings and that's a great start for change. I think it wouldn't hurt to imagine that there is the right woman out there that is compatable for you. I don't think it would hurt to see a counsellor/psychologist you are obviously stable with mental clarity, but it would probably give you the foundation you seem to be after, that would help you move forward and make the changes you are describing.I gather you have a standard for a wife or girlfriend that is different to that of an escort. I suppose the only worrying or difficult thing is that if you want to move forward into the sort of successful relatioship you are describing, you will have to face the truth about where you learned or decided within yourself that it is okay for woman to be escorts.By that I mean - you probably sense it is a disrspect to a woman (and a woman disrespecting herself) if she is an escort. I imagine once you have faced this it will be easier for you to embark on a happy journey towards a successful relationship. What a good time to start, much easier than doing it late in life!
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Dude, take a look at the men around you that are dating. Wife beaters, drug users, serial cheaters, pathological liars, unemployed dropouts, immature momma's boys, cruel manipulators, etc and yet they have girlfriends. Are you less worthy than they are?So you made your career a priority! So what? You're an educated, intelligent, hard working, humble man who wants a relationship. The only think holding you back (besides possibly some workaholism) is the fact that you won't forgive yourself. Tons of women would love to have a man like you!
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A
female
reader, peace143 +, writes (28 February 2011):
you are a young man becoming a real man. theres 4 stages in life. 1st. being young. around 28 years old, you start the second part, family....3rd, middle age, 4th the last part of your life. life is a trip. find a girl that can keep up with you, lol... maybe your into sex, like lots of us out there. i know those call girls cost alot of money honey, so take that money and wooo a girl and travel around the world and hold her... good luck finding that one girl thats another topic...
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A
female
reader, StarryEyes101 +, writes (28 February 2011):
 This made me smile. I don't know why... Why would you think you're gross for having encounter's with escorts? A hell of a lot of people do it these days. You're a guy. All guys no matter how masculine he is, he will sooner or later start to have feelings about women in different ways. It isn't selfish of you to date so why not try it and have some fun on the way? It happens to everyone. We get lonely. We need someone to come home to at the end of the day. It isn't nonsense. Find a date even if you go on a 100 of them. You're still very young. Have some fun while you're at it =)Hope this helps
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