A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a very complicated situation, and I would love some feedback, especially from a guy.This is a very long, complex story, but I'm going to try to sum it up as quickly as possible, while still getting important details across.I'm from a very small town where everyone knows everyone. In high school, I dated a guy for almost four years. We were inseparable and had a very intense love for our age. Once we got into college and moved to a bigger town, we mutually decided to spread our wings a little bit and experience life apart for a while. There was never a bad breakup. We only did this to not ever have any regrets as we didn't want to get married young and look back years later thinking we'd missed out on life. Over the next few years, we remained in contact to some extent. He dated other women, I dated other men. We tried a few times getting back but either I was involved with someone or vice versa. Basically what ended up happening is that he got in a situation he couldn't get out of, and so did I and we both ended up marrying other people. So years go by... almost 4. Now we are in our late 20s. By a complete coincidence, he and I both separated from our spouses this summer. Neither one of our marriages were ever good, even from the beginning. Neither of us had any idea what the other was going through until we randomly crossed paths. That is where everything gets crazy. From the first day we met up, we have been completely convinced that all of this happened for a reason- to bring us back together. We both have complete confidence that we were made for each other. We have shared very deep, emotional feelings and we talk about our future together. While we are both separated, our divorces are still pending and will be for some months. Here is where I get all uneasy inside... For the first two months after meeting up again, things went really deep, really fast. Everything came rushing back for both of us. Now things are getting more difficult, because we're having to put the brakes on because our marriages are still not final. We don't talk much about the deep emotional stuff anymore, but just try to get through day by day. We both know that this is going to be a long road, but we're both willing to be patient and wait for our time. So my question is this -- Since we are no longer talking about the deep and emotional stuff, I'm feeling a distance between us. I want him to keep telling me those things, but at the same time, I don't want him to say it all now and wear it out. Then it won't be as special when we do get to be together. I feel like he's backing up a little, but I'm thinking it's just to make our future relationship even better. We've both agreed that if we have a change of heart about ANYTHING, that we'll be upfront and honest and he's told me he hasn't changed his mind about me at all. I just worry about losing him somehow, and it just kills be because I know we're meant to be together. I need a large dose of patience, but waiting this out is going to be so hard. Do you think he's backing up and changing his mind? Or just being smart? How do I deal with this time that's passing so incredibly slow?Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): I think if you want the best possible chance with him, you have to come to him as a whole person - being separated and still pending divorce is kinda broken. I would slow down the boat & give yourself the time to do what you need to do and look at what happened with your marriage. try to better yourself & heal before jumping in with both feet. Same for your new/old love. If I were you, I would be more worried if he wasn't being cautious. I would want him to be done with the other relationship and do the work he needs to do on himself so you can come together in a new, strong & best way. If it is the right thing, it will be there in 2 months or 2 years.
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (24 August 2010):
 It kind of bothers me that you think that all this happened for a reason and that you two are just meant to be together, I don't buy it, I think that you both are a little desperate not to face being alone after your respective divorces, I'm sorry, but I just think that is the reality here.
I do hope that you both can have what you want if it is each other, but I think you are going to kill it by rushing head long ino a relationship as if it was already there, you haven't been together for years, you have changed a lot and you need to establish that connection and foundation and that is going to take time and like Ask Older Sister says, it won't work if you try to drag your respective baggage into this new relationship, so by all means put your focus on your own life going forward, and not your new life with him, that remains to be seen.
You can't control him, you can't control anything except yourself and how you deal with your own emotions and your own personal stuff, so don't be dependent on this guy to rescue you from your current status or you will be doomed. He's not your rescuer, you might actually want to spend some time alone being single and build up your own identity outside of a relationship just to be sure you have your emotional legs up under you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): the way i see this:
you both did not cheat in your marriages. both were separated when you met up again. so no one was hurt by you two.
so patience is virtue. if this love was meant to be , let it be. do not bad mouth your respective spouses. but close that chapter firmly before embarking on this new journey.
only time and love will stand the test. so for now you are scared. and perhaps you have reason to be. maybe too fast, too quick, but the flames dying too quick too? i don't have the answers. Pray about it, what is in both your favours are that you were not cheating. and this makes a hell of a difference. so easy does it. and talk about your feelings. take that chance and talk and re connect.
good luck
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