A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm 18 and about a year and a half ago I split up with my first love who I lost my virginity to and had been with on and off for about 2 years. He was horrible to me, he would finish with me every few months but then use me for sex even though we weren't together while seeing my friend behind my back whom he'd slept with before we got together. He'd call me fat, was often aggressive although he never actually hit me and I was never allowed to do anything or be friends with any boys. Once he even threatened to break my arm for speaking to a boy at school. However I'd caught him chatting up another girl behind my back yet I was expected to be fine with it. It all got so bad that I became very depressed and contemplated suicide, obviously being so young I had no idea how to deal with it and why someone who I loved so much would treat me in this way. After I finally had the courage to not take him back I met my current boyfriend who I love a lot and treats me how a man should treat his girlfriend. I met him two months or so after the break up but I really liked him and didn't want to ruin my chance for happiness by making him wait around for me. Recently however I found out that my ex has slept with another one of my friends that I had been best friends with for years although we no longer speak. I'm aware he's slept with other girls since we've split but for some reason this really hurt me I don't understand why he always has to go for people I care/cared about. All I want to do is forget him and although I do love my boyfriend my ex often crosses my mind. I'd never want him back and I hate him for everything, I guess what I want to know is why it bothers me so much that he's slept with an old friend of mine because I've moved on and it shouldn't?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 January 2014):
 It essentially boils down to the fact that you lost your virginity to him. The oxytocin released made you feel really attached to him. Mentally, you moved on, but there are emotional traces of that attachment still there. Add that to your ego and your very real pain of your friend's betrayal of you, and it stirred all of that crap back up.
Draw from the strength that made you get rid of this guy in the first place to throw him from your thoughts and feelings as well. This new guy you're with sounds wonderful, and he is the one you should bond with now instead of the toxic ex.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): You physically removed yourself from an abusive situation. It takes a little longer to remove an abuser and his abuse from your mind.
The most unfortunate thing about an abusive relationship, is the fact that it leaves residual pain and emotional scars. You can't just shake it off. You learn to live with it. You don't have to suffer from it.
Anything can trigger painful memories. It takes time to get over the trauma. If only it was as easy to delete bad memories from our minds, as we can erase messages from our cell phones. If only we could just numb ourselves to painful thoughts. We're human. We're not supposed to.
In order for the mind to fully heal; it has to retain some recollection of what is harmful to us. It's from these memories that we are more hesitant to repeat certain actions that could bring us future suffering. To avoid repeating the same mistakes. It's part of a learning process.
Both those people are out of your life. It might be a good idea to see a PTSD counselor about the post traumatic stress; because anxiety can resurface when you are under pressure, or experiencing similar situations. You'll have flashbacks.
The depression will also make you hypersensitive to anything bringing back the memories of those times, and every vile thing he has ever done to you. Suggest to your friends that they don't inform you of anything he is doing.
They're not doing you any favors by feeding you gossip.
You shouldn't be doing status follow-ups on him through social media either. That's not healthy.
You're doing yourself no favors by ruminating on his past actions regarding your former friends. These memories serve you no useful purpose; accept to push you into an unhealthy state of mind. Jealousy after the fact, is just another symptom of your painful breakup. If your mind is too much on your ex, and not enough on your present boyfriend. You were not ready to have one.
That's where therapy for PTSD may ease some of your pain that revisits from time to time.
It may have been too soon after leaving him that you took on another relationship. You needed time to process and deal with the raw emotions left after mental abuse and psychological trauma. Then a difficult breakup.
You were very young and very vulnerable. You may be using your present relationship as a place of refuge. That's not fair to you, or your partner. There will be times when his comfort is just not enough. He will start to feel inadequate, and your sadness is somehow his fault.
Don't let doctors pour pills down your throat. It's not just depression you're dealing with. You need actual one on one therapy, to help you get your ex out of your head.
The things he's doing bother you because he was once someone you cared for. He was your first love. You had to give up what you had under hostile conditions. What was once good, turned terribly wrong. That's where counseling is totally essential to your full recovery from that painful situation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 January 2014):
 I would be more upset about a FRIEND having sex with this douche. I assume you TOLD your friends about how he treated you? And then they STILL had sex with him?
Maybe it's because some of the bad stuff you allowed is resurfacing when you hear about him or think about him?
Accept that you dated this dingbat.
Then ACCEPT and ACKNOWLEDGE that you REFUSED to take him back, that YOU ended the cycle of him using you, taking advantage of you. YOU did that, not him.
Also, even if you don't WANT to thank him (you shouldn't really) BUT having HAD a bad relationship taught you to STAND up for yourself and WANT more from a partner, wanting a BETTER partner. You learned that YOU DID deserve better.
He is still sleeping around because NO GIRL want him long term.
YOU on the other hand, found love, DESPITE of him.
Chin up.
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