A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've just emigrated to be with my boyfriend who has now established himself for 2 years abroad - we have been apart for a year as I needed to support my Mum back at home who has been really ill - it was obviously not a planned decision. The last time I was with my boyfriend I bought most of the furniture for the home and tried to make a nice environment for us to live in because he had invested in very few items - even that at the time caused an argument because he said I was trying to take over his life and make decisions without including him.On arriving back with him yesterday (his Dad is also visiting/staying but was out at the time) I was faced with a house that looked like a bomb had hit it - furniture had been damaged and not looked after, there was mess everywhere - both his and his Dad. Absolutely no effort in tidying it before I got there after a very long journey. The lovely home I had left and kept me going whilst apart has turned into a nightmare. I started to get tearful when I saw the mess and said I could not believe it. Instead of being concerned for me my boyfriend started shouting at me to f**k off back home, he'd 'take me somewhere to stay' as he wasn't listening to this sh*t and when I told him to stop shouting and pointing his finger at me he grabbed me by the collar of my jacket both sides and squared up to me. He really lost it really quickly. He paced around the house saying he couldn't believe after a year apart he was putting up with my behavior. When I told him to calm down he said it was my fault and I'd wound him up. Then he picked up a football that was lying around in the room and slammed it down hard on the floor. I was frightened at this not first time he has flipped out - yet he always blames something else. I slept on the floor last night because I could not face getting in the same bed and I got a nasty response for that. This morning he said its not my fault and that he will tidy it all up and that he'd never hurt me. Trouble is I don't really feel I can believe him. I feel like leaving even though I've only just arrived - what on earth have I done? I've left my family and friends behind for this - please help I don't know what to do for the best. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, greengirl  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Leaving everything behind to make a life with your partner can be a huge step. And while you felt that everything was right at the time, you only ever really know for sure when you have taken that step. When he is calm, talk to him about how his behaviour makes you feel. Maybe he doesn't realise how much you have given up for him and that you are giving everything to make this work. There could be stresses in his life at this time that he hasn't told you about so give him time to open up and listen to his side. If you think he has an anger issue, encourage him to express it in a way that doesn't upset you so much.
If he is violent, talk to a friend so they are aware of the situation and always be prepared to walk away until he has calmed down. If you show signs that you are willing to put up with his behaviour, it will only continue.
I know how you are feeling as I gave up my job and house etc to move to my partner and there were times where I felt like you do right now. But remember that this should be a reason to try hard to make things work, but never a reason to stay if you are unhappy.
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