A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys- Lately I have become real depressed about guys in general. No one looks at me, no guy gives me the time of day. I am the shyest person anyone would ever know. It really gets me down that I am so shy and I try to change it I just can't. I feel like guys think I am ugly. My friend wanted to set me up with this one guy, we talked on the phone a lot then we met. That was like 2 weeks ago and I have heard nothing except I talked to him online once and I could tell he was trying to ignore me. H saw pictures of me and stuff before so I dont know what went wrong. But now since then I have panic attacks anytime I think of him. I dont know why but I cant control them. Sometimes I get so depressed about my uneventful love life (I am 19 years old, never had a bf), I get physically sick. I dont think this is normal but I dont know what else to do about it. My family teases me about not having a bf at my age, and my friends could care less.I dont have any real friends I coud trust or talk to. I dont know what else to do should I just stop trying to find a bf so bad? I dont want to be alone anymore, I have been alone for 19 years!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2006): tkae your mind off things. do some interpersonal activities! make new friends. though you may not have any good friends, now is the time to build up! sometimes life just sucks. i know how it feels. everything will fall into place for you eventually. i know it.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (10 March 2006):
 Here's a tiny morsel of wisdom that I've gleaned over the years: when what you're doing isn't working, stop doing it.
Yes, well, I did say it was a tiny morsel.
But sometimes people feel desperate, and tend to overlook the obvious, thinking "I just have to try harder!" But I think, in this case, you don't.
You've been "trying to find a boyfriend", and whatever that has entailed, it hasn't worked. So stop trying. Give yourself a rest and don't worry about it for a while. Take a different tack.
What you need to find are some *friends*; don't worry about a boyfriend, just try to meet some people. They can be men, or women, your age, or older. If you get comfortable in a group of friends - people you can open up to and have fun with - then you're going to start being a lot more relaxed and a lot more outgoing... the very traits that are going to be attractive to a man who might want to be a boyfriend. (And being relaxed and outgoing is also its own reward!)
What are you interested in? What do you find exciting? I think you need to get involved in some activity where you'll be surrounded by people who have the same passion as you, whatever your passion is. There are clubs and volunteer organisations and associations and informal groups everywhere; you just have to find a group that matches your interest. Do you play an instrument/like the night sky/race cars/read/like to play a particular game/want to learn to dance/want to get fit/like movies/have an interest in cooking/like to learn about another culture/practice languages? Do you breed rabbits? Do you show dogs? Do you garden? Do you keep bees? Do you write software? Do you like wicca? Want to learn to make soap?
I could go on for pages. My point is, of course, that all the things I've listed are possible activities that could gain you friends who like *you* because they like what *you* like. That's a great place to develop friendships with people, and to get acquainted with men who like you, too.
Some of those friendships might develop into romance, given time. Or they might not, but the men you meet might know someone who might like you.
What I'm saying is just to relax. Don't make it a mission to find a boyfriend. It won't work, because you're so focussed that you're coming off as a bit scary. Just learn to be comfortable with a group of like-minded friends. Then be open to meeting other people.
Even if you don't meet a boyfriend this way, you'll be having fun, right? And you won't be alone.
Good luck, from a former-shy person!
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