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female
,
anonymous
writes: I am 24 and my husband is 27.I found out recently that my husband has been seeing male prostitutes.I feel so disgusted, I could vomit at the thought that he chose to break our marriage vows of 3 years in this way. We have a young son (who he never seems to spend time with any more), and I feel so upset and worried.I would never cheat on him, so why is he seeing these male prostitutes?I tried to discuss it with him but he refuses to discuss it with me. He also insists he is not gay or bisexual, but I am suspicious.Is there any way out of this situation?Danielle (24) from Leeds, United Kingdom
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2006): Ive been married 32 years.. Not only am I sure he is gay/ Everything has just come out from halloween to new year. I fell like im dying also now i suspect he is supporting a gay lover. I want out and he keeps deniying it.. I am having a hard hard time... Get out while your young, Im 54 and feel my whole life was ruined... sick inside
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2006): you need to realize that he is gay and you need to end your marriage or w/e but you cant keep lying to yourself
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2006): I know how awful you must be feeling; 10 years ago my (then) husband decided he was gay. He wanted to stay together "for the good of our 5 year old son". I stood my ground and insisted that it was over.
It was an amazingly tough time, especially as it was difficult to find someone who understood what was happening and how I felt. I felt very alone, and ashamed as though it was my failure that had led to this.
Years later we are both happy in long term realtionships. We are best friends and we are busy organising a civil partnership ceremony for my ex and his boyfriend, at which our son will do a reading and be a witness.
It took a lot of time and hard work to get to this point, and was awful for a lot of the time. But I am a much stronger person because of it, as is our son.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2006): What a shock for you dear and I am so sorry. If he's visiting male prostitutes, he obviously has "sexual preferences" only they can provide. Your husband's reluctance to admit to anything is an understandable response. He very well could be gay /bi and he could be very scared of coming out. There are many marriages out there where the husband is gay and the wife was unaware for years. Guilt, large fears of a ruined marriage, family break-up, job embarrassment, negative community reaction..all this could be running through his mind. He may also worry that, if he admits his bi/homosexuality to you, you will bail on him with your son..perhaps a loss he could not endure. He could fear you will emotionally support him, listen to him, or explore options together. Would you hang in there to sort things out?
This big secret as to his sexual orientation will always dominate your life from here on in, if you don't get to the heart of the matter. If you really want to know the truth, you'll have to take responsibility to initiate communication in a compassionate, calm manner. This will not be easy--whatever the outcome you need to know because you have to think about your health. If he is having sexual affairs--with male prostitutes..he could be exposing you to sexually transmitted diseases. And we all know, AIDS/HIV is deadly.
Next, after you find out what the truth is..what should you do? When a wife confirms that her husband is gay/bisexual, her first reaction includes shame, guilt, and responsibility. A woman needs to remember that she is in no way responsible for her husband's homosexuality. This was determined at birth, and in no way did she influence this. However, what you decide to do about staying in this marriage is your choice, and you need help in finding the right answers. Please seek some professional help from a family marriage counselor, dear. You need some understanding, guidance and support..quickly. If he is gay, there will be so much to consider about the future and especially that of your child. For children, divorce is more punishing than having a gay parent. If you do divorce, remember you will still have to co-parent. Keep focused on your own happiness, as well. Don't go into confusion and denial over this issue...denying your feelings makes things worse because they're there to protect you. I hope you find happiness. I hope you and he can work this out. But you need to know the truth..whether you stay with him or not, you need the peace of mind and you are 'entitled" to know. Good luck, hun and keep in touch.
Hugs, Irish
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 January 2006):
 Grab the kid and run, do not look back. Get a lwayer and soak him for all you can and get on with your life. Good luck to you, I'm sure you will find happiness.
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A
female
reader, kimberlina +, writes (5 January 2006):
 I remember seeing a program about men who did this and they were called "Down Low's" I think this is the correct term. It was on Oprah. The men were married to beautiful, honest, loving women and at night they would go out and persue other men. and yes they won't say they are gay as they don't believe they are gay.This hasn't happened to me but if it did he wouldn't see me for dust. I think that you should take the nearest exit as it will save you a whole lot of heart ache. I mean,how can you even compromise? He won't talk about it and you don't deserve his dishonesty and lack of consideration as to how you would be feeling right now.
Another worry is that he could pass on AIDS to you from a man he has sex with.In the show one woman contracted AIDS because her husband gave it to her and he wouldn't use condoms because that was part of the thrill, to have sex with the danger of contracting AIDS. And the poor woman was going to die and she had twins!
Take you baby and run as fast as you can and take care.
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