A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having another moral crisis in my relationship, and dont know what to do...I've known my boyfriend for aboutfour years, we've been in a relationship for nearly two. Basically at Christmas last year I saw he had messaged one of his ex girlfriends saying he missed her and thought about her all the time, and he failed to mention me when she asked him what he got up to on his birthday, this has paved the way for my paranoia becoming commonplace and I dont thnik its unjustified. For some reason, he wormed his way out of it and we got back together, and our relationship trundled along quite nicely, then we were arguing more and more and mutually decided to break up. A few days later i decided we'd made the wrong decision and we decided to work it out. We met up a few days later I fopund out the day after we broke up he arranged to meet up with a different ex girlfriend - by all means, he has stayed in contact with her through our relationship, even though i told him it made me feel uncomfortable as when i first met him, it was her he was with and even though i was never interested until the night we got together, which was a year after they broke up, it still wasnt nice her being on the scene, calling him, texting him...Anyway, again, we got back together and it took a while, but we were absolutely fine. Infact, I think we were better then ever before. Then, all of a sudden, I found out he'd been texting ANOTHER girl and all though it was just innocent flirting, (i spoke to the girl in question), he lied about it at first saying he was confused about me, and "wanted to find out how he truly felt about me". They'd not spoken for weeks when I found his out, so after a looooot of talking, i let it go. I dont feel the same as i usedto though. I dont trust him and im really trying to.Here's the real question though, I have just discovered his password for his main email account and REALLY want to look at his messages. I havent done so yet... we are going away for a week two weeks today and I was really looking forward to going, until i realised his password. I dont know what to do...... I really wan things to work between us and i dont think hes physically cheated on me, although i do feel he has emotionally. what do i do? Do i look at his emails and risk finding something that'll kill me and have to call the holiday off? Do i wait until we get back? I'm so confused ad very tempted.. although i think i do have the strength to put it off.. ths is not the sort of person i want to be, ive never been like this befoe and i dont know hat to do....... :(
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broke up, cheated on me, christmas, ex girlfriend, flirt, got back together, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): I say look. Usually, I would be all about keeping ones privacy, but the dude has proven to be incredibly untrustworthy. Don't dig through every single e-mail, just take a peek, see if there's anything sketchy. If you find anything, break it off FOR GOOD. If things seem innocent, give the guy a chance and go on your holiday.
A
female
reader, Ne'cee +, writes (22 July 2008):
 Again like the rest, I have been in the same situation. I looked and found what was to be the most heart breaking thing I had ever read in my life. He was very good at manipulating me to believe what he wanted me to believe even if I KNEW what he was saying wasnt true. I can imagine what you are going through, but if you look PLEASE be prepared to stand for what you believe and not what HE wants you to believe. You have to stand for something or you FALL for anything. Good luck
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A
female
reader, krista217  +, writes (22 July 2008):
 Sadly I have been in a similar situation and, as other people have mentioned, I looked and found exactly what I thought I'd find. Regardless of what you find in his email, the things that you know of that he is doing are wrong!! I say look so you can have closure, but make sure you are prepared for what you find AND prepared to act on it. I unfortunately am acting on it entirely too late and have caused myself countless hours of tears and pain because of it. There is nothing worse than loving someone you don't trust - look and get out and spare yourself further heartache.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (22 July 2008):
 I AM A PEEKER! If it were me, I wouldn't be able to resist, because in my mind, THAT is the only way to find out what is REALLY going on. The truth is there to find out. A lot of people will think I am wrong, But... Oh well! ha ha!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): Honestly, I'm not sure what more evidence you need to REALISE what is going on here. He contacts an ex on Christmas to tell her he thinks of her all the time. Then you two break up and the NEXT DAY he goes out with an ex girlfriend. Then you catch him texting ANOTHER girl. And he even told you straight up at one point, said "I'm confused about you," and judging by his actions, it is obvious that he was being serious.
And now, even after all this, you are still not convinced and are yet again trying to find more evidence that this guy is no good. Obviously he is up to no good. What more evidence do you need? So you'll read his email, and find out some more stuff that he's doing behind your back (duh), and then what? Break up with him and then forgive him two days later.
Don't even bother with the email and the passwords, stop torturing yourself. He's no good! You don't need to bother yourself with reading his email to know that. What's it going to take for you to realise that this guy doesn't love you and is not going to be faithful to you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): My advice would be not to look, go on holiday and have fun. If you still have a burning urge to look, have a read on your return.
I would strongly advise you not to look, you in your heart of hearts know what is on there and is reading it really going to do anything but cause you pain?
I have been in an identical situation and I looked, its something I totally regret now - I knew what would be there, I just didnt want to believe it. Even though it wasn't me that was messaging others, I feel I lowered myself to his level. Its not worth it.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (22 July 2008):
 Why is he in touch with all these women???? There is something not right here, why would he want to be in touch with them?
I think that if you look you will probably see something you dont like and it will split you up anyway. If you can handle that then look. If you dont look you have to put it behind you and move on but I doubt you will ever trust this man again.
Maybe have the holiday first and ask him why he needs all these ex's in his life, tell him you need 100% committment or else its over. Then take it from there, if he agrees to make a go of it then DONT look, trust him, but if the texts start up again get out of it asap x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): ah i was in this situation once...and i looked. i was glad that i looked to know the truth, but i also regretted it because it showed that i could not trust him and i myself was distrustful, as well as finding the shocking messages to girls he was sleeping with behind my back. if you look, you might find some disturbing and hurtful messages--do you really want to be thinking about that during ur trip? if you really dont want to be with him, then leave and find someone who IS worth being with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): I completely understand the views here but personally I would look, he shouldn't have anything to hide and Im sure he would do the same if he couldn't trust you. x
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (22 July 2008):
 If you want things to work, start by trusting him.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (22 July 2008):
Oooh that is very tempting but I would say to ignore your urge to look and go on holiday.
Try and talk to him about everything on holiday and tell him you are sick of all the suspicion and paranoia. Tell him you want a fresh start but want him to promise he's not going to contact them again.
If he does it again you are bound to find out anyway and then you know he is never going to change and you need to get rid of him.
Good Luck!! xx
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