A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i'm 21 an been having sex since I was 18. I have slept with 2 people, my ex and my current boyfriend. The problem is I have never had an orgasm. I dont know how to or what it feels like or anything, but i still really enjoy sex with my boyfriend. The other day he said to me 'you did come, right?' an I was a bit taken a back cos I havent been asked that before so i just said yes cos he looked worried so i didnt want to make him feel bad. Also i was worried that something might be wrong as he always comes but i never have,but now he thinks i do!I dont masturbate myself cos it just feels weird I cant get in the mood when im on my own :S
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (20 August 2012):
 You do need to masturbate if you want to orgasm. It's sex homework. I can almost guarantee you that you will not have an orgasm with your boyfriend if you can't have one on your own. You should try really hard to get comfortable. Maybe a warm bath, under the covers, turn down the lights if it helps, put on some music, do whatever you can. Take the pressure off yourself, you're not trying to orgasm, just to feel good. Close your eyes and think of something really sexy. Make up a scenario and really delve into all the details. Get comfortable touching yourself, you don't have to go straight for your clitoris (by the way you should be touching that, not going for penetration). It also helps if during other things you make an effort to get comfortable touching yourself. Ditch washcloths and use your hands to wash. Switch to a menstrual cup. Do anything that really makes you get comfortable with touching yourself. If it's REALLY difficult and you absolutely can't get into it, buy yourself a toy (make sure to read reviews so you don't wind up with something useless) and let it sort of push you into it. With a good one, it will be hard NOT to feel something even if you're completely not in the mood.
Then take whatever you do on your own and teach it to your boyfriend. Put your hand over his and show him, or give him your vibrator and let him use it on you. You can also give him a show. The other thing is that after you've started having them on your own, ask him to go down on you and use positive reinforcement to let him know what feels good. Like moaning extra loud when he does something good or saying, "I love when you do ___" or "it would be so hot if you did ____."
Don't expect to orgasm from penetration because in all likelihood, it will never happen. The vast majority of women just can't orgasm that way (75%). It is like asking a man to orgasm from touching only his scrotum. Probably feels good, but isn't going to be enough for an orgasm. Your clitoris is where it's all happening and where you both need to focus.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): I wouldn't worry too much about it. It's quite common for women not to be able achieve orgasm from penetrative intercourse alone. It's also common that inexperienced guys can be unthinkingly selfish and just focus on getting inside you and coming as quickly as possible. That just doesn't give you the time to get to the level of physical excitement where it overwhelms you and you, as the saying goes, 'come'. Again, don't worry, there are some simple, easy things you can do.You say you enjoy the physical side of it, so all you may need is to add things to raise your level of arousal. This could be as simple as asking your partner to slow down, seeing if, say, he can take twice as long. The other big thing is more stimulation before or during penetration. There are many ways, but common things would be getting your boyfriend to 'go down on you' and lick your labia for a while before penetrating you, stroking your breasts, sucking your nipples etc. If these things excite you enough to make you wet before entry, you are probably half way there, and the physical act of fucking will 'finish you off'.One thing that did concern me is that you say you don't masturbate. Well, whether they admit it or not, the vast majority of women do, and it's an important way they explore their own sexual responses, not just release of sexual tension. 'Knowing what you want', so to speak. This is also easy. First of all, get rid of any idea that it's 'wrong'. Second, find somewhere you can truly relax with no fear of being interrupted and either get naked, or just slip down your panties. Then just start touching yourself; you can imagine someone else doing that, or just try your various sensitive areas. Or you can get on the Internet, and simply copy what you'll see other women doing when they masturbate. There are also sex toys out there that, if you apply them to your sensitive areas, will make it very difficult not to come. If you still don't like the idea, think of masturbating as practice for sex.Hope this helps you come....
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A
male
reader, sunilal  +, writes (19 August 2012):
when you can direct your boyfriend on how to please you it would help.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (19 August 2012):
 Masturbation is not that weird, but I can understand that it's not for everyone. It does tend to teach a woman about her sexuality, however. The problem for a young man to please a woman, in my opinion, is usually due to inexperience. For most women, it takes a lot of foreplay (which is kissing, feeling, massaging, possibly oral stimulation, things like that), and I think it takes awhile to learn about those things. It took me awhile in youth. But I'm fairly sure that you can orgasm at some time. You'll like it.
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