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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am worried if my boyfriend knew of my sexual past he will stop loving me and think I am a slut. We have been together for 2 years and I only found out recently that I am the 4th person he has kissed. I have kissed a lot more people than that.This also means I am the 4th person he has slept with I feel completely unable to tell him that he is the 20th person I have slept with. He has never asked me about my past I am 5 years older than him so I know hw has assumed I had a bit more experience than him.I am so scared that he will look and think of me differently if he knew the truth.I lacked confidence and self esteem when I was younger which is why I slept with people. I also had a number of relationships. I have never been unfaithful to anyone in the past or now so he has no reason to doubt me.I don't feel like this now as I am in love and so happy.do you think I should be worried about this?
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confidence, self esteem, sexual past Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): Well Ms. Anon, in my point of view, I highly doubt that my opinions should actually matter too much to anyone, unless they are really close to me and have shared a meaningful past experience with me. With that said, I offer my ideas on a spectrum of shades (perspectives) that make up 'colours' (subjects).
As said, my views aren't really that important. I am merely hoping - sincerely hoping that my different 'views' may allow the question poster to take on different aspects - to be more cautionary of his or her actions and reactions. Sometimes, it's better to be direct like the blatanly abusive relationship threads, and others like this question which can have a few different perspectives. It's also because when I look at posts and threads like yours, I can relate to another area of my life. It has more sentimental value more than anything else.
You see Ms. Anon, one key aspect of your comment is your growth and internal unity. You 'sound' geniune, as genuine as text can be. I truly think that both Max and Irish's comments hold water for sure. They have their spectrums of ideals that to my opinion is as close to your colour as it can possibly be. I think both of their comments, though different, actually lead to the same positive result. So they're both good.
ANYWAY, I feel like I am not making sense. [sigh] Ramblings, ramblings, ramblings...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have made mistakes in the past and had relationships that haven't worked out, but that process also helped me to understand what I need and value in a relationship. I have already admitted that I lacked self esteem in my teenage years but I don't think I am now emotionally unstable. Our relationship is about trust i have offered to answer any questions he may have but none have been forthcoming.I do find the constructs of your arguments Martini always have an element of devil's advocate in them which makes it difficult to disseminate your true views on any of the problems you have answered.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): Maxsteel86, you are full of wise words today. 8]
I actually agree with him, though Irish is also right in saying that your past has nothing to do with him. The thing is though it doesn't have anything to do with him directly, it does emotionally.
For me, I look at my companion as a temple, a goddess of sorts that I 'worship' and adore, and I am her most faithful. Knowing that she has a bit more experience than I do, or any experience at all is totally fine with me. However, if I knew from around when we first met that she's had sex with 20 guys over the course of say 10 years, I would be wary, and wouldn't find her as 'pure'. Now I know a lot of you guys and girls may think that it's selfish on my part to think like that, and I totally agree, but I wouldn't be saying it if it wasn't true for the majority of the men I have known and know.
It makes me wonder, did she do it out of pure pleasure or did she actually have relationships with all these guys, and if so, why did she go through 20+ guys? It allows me to question how mentally/emotionally stable she is - if she had learned at all from those relationships. Let's say she slept around as in flings and one night stands, I guess it's fine then, but the caution I would have would effect me so much that I would also turn into that sexual animal instead of a purely considerate companion.
Then again, not all guys think/feel like me. So if Ms. Anon's bf will either never know, or don't care, then great. You've found yourself a diamond.
On a similar note, I still feel like coal... 8]
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2006): Your past is your past, not his. It's no one's business how many guys you slept with prior to dating this fellow. He likely has not asked because he cares deeply, respects and loves you and it simply doesn't matter. I strongly believe when a man is mature, is very secure with himself and truely knows how to love a women for 'just who she is', he doesn't ask such a question. Plain and simple. If he doesn't ask...leave it at that and just enjoy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question No i don't have STI's I have always been safe I would never be that irresponsible - especially when you could be compromising someone else.
Thanks for that - you're right I know he wouldn't be ok with it and he doesn't need to know and as he hasn' asked me directly in 2 years I doubt he will ask me now.
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male
reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (16 December 2006):
 Here's some advice I was once given by a psychology student (though I never had to use it!): come up with a lower number but for crying out loud, remember that number!!!
I know its not exactly honest but some things are probably best left unsaid. He doesn't need to know really, so long as you're not carrying any STIs or anything, it wouldn't really do any good to let him know (unless he's totally ok with it, which I dont think he is otherwise you wouldn't have posted).
Another word of advice for your boyfriend: dont go digging up the past. All you'll end up with is dirt! (I'm full of these 'wise words' today:-P)
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