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*iraffeGlitta
writes: Two years ago I was raped. Since then, I've had sex many times and had no problem. The other night however, my boyfriend and I were having sex and it was uncomfortable so I asked him to stop, but he didn't hear me, as I was trying to keep it down because people were in the next room. I started to get scared because I felt out of control of the situation. Finally I started pushing him off me, and he stopped as soon as he realized that I was upset, but by then I was already in tears and shaking. He apologized and told me he understood and it was okay, but now he won't touch me. He has barely even contacted me in the last three days. We were supposed to go away for the weekend but he said he doesn't want to go anymore and that it's going to be a long time before he can touch me again. I've tried to let him know that it's never happened before and it wasn't his fault, but I think he's afraid. I don't know what to do. =/ Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (6 August 2005):
 Hey Giraffe, I was raped myself and found myself in a similar situation like you were with your boyfriend. It takes alot to share a sexual experience after being raped and I must commend you on that...that you did not let a bad experience like that allow you to shut out the world. I understand your fear that night and the uncomfortable feeling of not having that control and I am sure you may have gotten flash backs of the incident as well. I am convinced that your boyfriend was genuinely oblivious to your discomfort and did not realise what was happening.
You guys need to talk about it though. Just the two of you in a mature way. Tell him that it has nothing to do with him and that you love him and care about him deeply. Let him understand that it was something that happened to you and there are times that it comes forward in certain situations. He can't dislike you for that. I don't think he is afraid to touch you I think he is afraid of hurting you or causing you to have a bad memory. Let him know that you feel safe with him and that you know he will not hurt you. Make him feel comfortable. In the meanwhile..if you can ...get some counselling on dealing with the delayed reaction of rape. I got raped at 19 and my reaction came at 24. Don't worry sweetie...men deal with things different to women. It is just an awkward situation for him ...keep in mind that like you...he has no control of what happened to you and he can't make it like it never happened. He feels just as helpless as you sometimes. I hope you guys work this out. Take care of yourself ...Ana
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (6 August 2005):
 You have done everything right, I'm afraid it is him that isn't dealing with the situation very well at all.
You were in a situation where you suddenly felt out of control and it was uncomfortable, it may have reminded you unconsciously of the rape but it can happen to any of us at any time.
You are very brave and you have tried to reassure your boyfriend. He should really be more understanding but perhaps he is afraid as you say. Maybe you should say to him that as you aren't afraid to try to make love again, he shouldn't be. If he is gentle and loving, then you will be able to share intimacy even if you don't have sex. Obviously a relationship isn't only about sex and you could address this with him also. However, it does play a role.
If he understood and it was okay, he should have made contact with you in the last few days. It doesn't seem like he understood at all.
Try talking to him again and reassuring him. That is all you can do. More so, you should concentrate on yourself. Have you received counselling for being raped? You may feel you don't need it but it could still be beneficial for you.
Ask your boyfriend why its going to be a long time before he touches you again? Isn't he prepared to put effort into making the relationship work? You are prepared to. You shouldn't be punished for what happened to you two years ago, and this incident may not have even been related. He is taking it like a rejection and he needs to grow up.
I'm sorry to be harsh but if he isn't prepared to put effort into your relationship, then you should let him go. There are men out there who are real gentlemen and who would treat you with affection as well as respect.
My thoughts are with you.
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reader, MC2006 +, writes (5 August 2005):
Hey, well, I think you just need to give him space... how long has he known that you were raped? He is gunna need time to get his head round it, he might even think that its down to him... if you can really open up to him, it might help him to understand and become closer to you. If he is a decent guy, then he will stick around, and if he dosen't, then your probably better off without him.
Hope this helps
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female
reader, jozzy +, writes (5 August 2005):
hi, You need to sit down and talk to him when he is calm and relaxed, and explain that its not him but you are still dealing with the issue and that sometimes memories will crop up when you least expect it. Although you want things to go back to normal immediately you have to give him time to deal with it as well, as he might be replaying the rape and really doesn't want to hurt you in anyway so take it easy, go with your feelings and if after a while he still can't deal with it then move on with your life. A person who loves you will give you the space and support that you need
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