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female
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anonymous
writes: I wonder if anyone can help me with this.I have just learned that my father is dying. We knew he had cancer but now it is worse and the doctor says it is near the end.I never knew anyone that died. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I just feel numb, and guilty because we argued and did not speak just before his illness was diagnosed.I have never even been to a funeral before. I just feel so at a loss for what to do and how to act and feel. This is so ridiculous, I am 27 and married with two kids, so I think I should be acting differently.They live 300 miles away, so I am making the drive as often as I can now. I really do not know what else I should be doing.I would be very grateful if anyone else has been in a comparable situation, and could perhaps share their experiences with me.Thank you. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2005): I am so sorry to hear of your pain and sorrow, I know only too well, how much this must hurt. I lost my father to cancer, some years ago. There are rarely words that convey all that we would like to say about your pain Certainly, there’s nothing that we can say that will make it better. But, our words, if sincere, can be a source of comfort. One thing my Father had said in his dying days, was he had a wish. His wish was that friends & family could rejoice with him about his love of life. He has also said .."enjoying the moment is something you learn when moments are quickly disappearing". Life is a gift/a legacy the dying make to the living. "Cherish life and live it well" he had said. He had not wished us to feel grief, pain and heartfelt sadness (although we did) but he wanted us to celebrate his life, and as a family we did just that. After his funeral, we all gathered and regaled in the joy and love he had given us as a father/grandfather. We remembered happy times, things he liked or didn't like, funny things he said. It all helped us to keep the memories strong and bring some comfort. Sharing these moments with my family was an uplifting experience..it made us appreciate, it made us love each other more and bond. My father's strength, his stubborn pride at meeting death head-on, left us in wonderment at how incredibly wonderful and amazing, he truly was. He never felt sorry for himself-he just enjoyed every moment he had left and dedicated himself to savoring those last few months of life. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family..stay strong..and love life. Hugs, Irish
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female
reader, DJ +, writes (5 August 2005):
Let me start off by saying I am so sorry to hear that your father is dying of cancer. I feel your hearts pain. I feel your numbness. I lost my mother when I was 14 years old of breast cancer. I loved her more than you will ever know. She was the first to die in my family and she was the sole rock that kept us all together. I delt with it by running at the time. I never said that I loved her or held her hand. I wish I did that.
What you need to do is tell your father that it is all going to be alright and that you love him very much. Cry Cry and Cry that is what you need to do. It is Okay to cry. Tell your children all the wonderful things about your father and keep his memory alive. Let them know that grandpa will be in heaven where we all see each other somday. Unfortunally I had to realize that dying is a part of living. We will all be there someday. I know all of this will be draining on you and your family, put be thankful that you have the oppurtunity to say your innermost thoughts to your father while he is still alive and with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2005): I think you should spend as much time as you can, you will regret it otherwise when he has gone. You should go up there and stay for a while imo.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2005): My Dad got sick in the summer of 2001 with lung cancer. I was 25 and like you had never been to a funeral and no one at all close to me had ever died. He didn't end up lasting very long, diagnosed in early july and died at the end of august. Actually it was on my birthday that he died. There really is no certain way to act or feel, everyone is different. Most of the time while he was sick I would try and put it out of my mind and just kinda pretended it wasn't happening. That was my way of dealing with it. I don't know if that was good or bad, just how i dealt with it. You have to deal with it however is right for you, and don't feel bad because you 'think' that you should react the way others react to similar stuff. Just tell your Dad that you love him, no matter what has happened between you two in the past. I miss my Dad, but I wouldn't him want him back in the pain he was in. You can only do what you can, so don't feel guilty. I am sure you are trying to help your kids through this and maybe other family members, too, just do what you feel is right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2005): having anyone close to you with cancer is always going to be hard. i recently had a very good friend who died of cancer and it was difficult to know how to act around her. however she always wanted you to carry on as normal and treat her no differently to how id always treated her. this wasa very painful experience watching her deteroiate every day,and i was also very emontional about it and did not know how to feel and experience many of the same emontions as you.
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