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female
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anonymous
writes:HiI'm a 26 year old woman who starting at 18 to 21 was in two seperate relationships, both partners were physically, emotionally and mentally abusive to me.I've really liked this guy for the past 8 years, and we've become good friends and nothing more.He knows how I feel about him.I recently found out he has MS, and I want to take the chance and be with him, but I'm afraid of getting into another relationship like my past ones, it seems to be a pattern with me and I don't want it to repeat itself.How do I get closer to him without this fear of rejection and without scaring him away? and how do I stop this pattern I've found myself in in the past? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (18 May 2007):
You have been friends with him for a long time, does he know about your previous relationship. Do you trust this guy ? Do you think he would treat you as bad as your ex-boyfriends did ?
If you trust him and beleive he will be good to you, i think you should take a change and tell him you want to try and see if theres anything between you. You really deserve some happiness (you know you do), so take a change with him. Whatever happens between you two, you will find happiness.
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female
reader, mcbirdie +, writes (18 May 2007):
 There are few things as difficult in life as recognizing our destructive patterns and then breaking them. Sincerest congratualations to you for doing the first hard part.Now, changing your behaviour is the trickier part, because how you go about that is largely determined by how you started the pattern to start with. Do you know what made you seek out men who were so bad for you? Were you looking for men you could "rescue" or were you looking for some punishment you felt you deserved for something from your childhood? It is impossible to tell this from just your question, but it is something you'll need to think about. Only when you know why you did something...the deep down reason...can you figure out how to stop doing it.Best possible option would be to talk to a therapist. A cognitive behavioural therapist can help you get a better understanding of the decisions you're making and how you can change your actions, or a psychoanalytical therapist can help you resolve any deep seated issues you're having that are causing you to seek out destructive relationships.Second best option would be to read up on some cognitive restructuring techniques. They can help you form new ways of thinking, that will lead to new ways of acting.Beyond those two options, though, you need to do a lot of soul-searching, but also...trust yourself. You are aware of this pattern and you have taken your time with this guy. Trust that you have gained wisedom through past actions to do things differently this time.Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, candy852 +, writes (18 May 2007):
he sounds like a realy great guy and if you known him that long his good and for your abusives relationships get out of them as soon as possible and i really think you should go out with him and give him a chance hope i helped you write me back on how it went!!!!!
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