A
male
age
41-50,
*isho
writes:Hello everyone,I've been so depressed lately. Let me start at the beginning. I'm originally from India, I moved out here when I was 11 so I have been brought up with a mixture of Indian ideals and I've seen all the western ideals by going to high school and college here in the US.In school and college, I sucked with girls. I was always stuck in the "friend zone." I had lots of friends, but couldn't ever get a girl to be attracted to me as more than that. My friends told me "It'll get better." Then about two years ago, I met an Indian girl from the east coast. She was super sweet, soft spoken, just the kind of girl I thought I always wanted. My friends were happy for me, and told me "Don't screw this up, this girl is great." And even though they didn't say it in such words, I could hear them saying "You aren't good with girls anyway, and this girl is great, so really, don't screw this up."So we started talking. Meanwhile, my family was pressuring me to get married. I'm the first born on both sides of my family, the oldest in the generation, and everything I do is a huge deal. I was the first one to go to a 4 year college, first one to get a great job, and so on. Naturally, everyone in my family is just waiting for me to get married since they can't understand what more you could possibly want out of life.So in March of this year, with lots of prodding, I proposed to the Indian girl. I thought it was the right thing to do. She's a great girl, and everyone around me seems to think so as well.Unfortunately, towards the end of last year, I started talking to a girl I had briefly met in college. Talking led to flirting and pretty soon I didn't know what I had gotten myself into. This summer, I started having feelings for her. My fiance moved out here in September, and I started to realize that we didn't have much chemistry, I was bored. And comparing her to the other girl, let's call her K, I was even more unsure.At the end of September, my fiance saw the texts on my phone from K and understandably got upset. I told her I didn't have feelings for K and she asked me to stop talking to her. I did. K was very upset because I didn't explain anything, just said I couldn't talk to her anymore.It's been several months, and I can't stop thinking about K. A week or so ago, she emailed me to ask me how I was doing, because she was worried about me and said she'd be there to talk to me if I ever needed.Two nights ago, I called K to explain everything. She was great. She told me congratulations. She empathized. She didn't judge. She did tell me that she also has a huge crush on me and that ever since we stopped talking, she can't seem to forget about me.My fiance is a great girl, she's super nice, soft spoken, is a nurse, loves to cook/clean and doesn't cause drama. K is also great, super nice, not soft spoken, is an engineer and has a good job. But she is caucasian, which will be a problem for my family. My family loves my fiance because she's a great person and they think she will always keep me happy.My problem is that what I thought I wanted (shy, soft spoken) turned out to be not what I wanted. Also, I moved out to the west coast about 3 years ago from the midwest and met some people out here that helped me get a lot better with girls. This happened to be after I was engaged, so I never got to date much and find out what I wanted.I told my family about these doubts, and they think it's just cold feet. They come from a time and place where you grow to love someone. I'm worried that won't happen to me, and I'll never get over K.What should I do?
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crush, depressed, engaged, fiance, flirt, moved out, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Net Rider +, writes (16 November 2010):
The only person to marry is the person you absolutely cannot do without. If you have serious doubts, backing away is usually a good idea.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Wait. This thing with the new chick is over emails and the computer? I think you need to meet her don't you?? Read this website - hundreds and thousands of people meet others online and think they've found the answer, only to meet in real life and have no chemistry whatsoever - read this site!!!
Before you ruin everyone's plans, make sure you meet her in person. Obvi.
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A
male
reader, nisho +, writes (13 November 2010):
nisho is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not just about my parents. This is my very sick grandma's last wish. I'm having trouble trying to take this away from her.
And it's not so much about K specifically. But the fact that I even have feelings for someone else when I am about to marry someone! It just feels so wrong. I feel so wrong for having these thoughts :(
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A
female
reader, Probablylucy  +, writes (13 November 2010):
 This is a very difficult situation...
You never know, your fiancée might be the steady, nice, supportive life partner that you need, rather than the quick flash-in-the-pan romance? imagine yourself looking into her eyes at the wedding, do you love her? Because this decision might not just for you, it's for her as well. Would she be better off with someone who did love her? Or do you think that you could be the right husband for her? Many men get cold feet around this time of a relationship, Marriage can scary for anybody, regardless of culture.
Do you see yourself with this woman for the rest of your life? Would it be kinder to break it off now rather than to file for a divorce 3 years down the line?
However, you really never know. Marrying her could be the best decision you ever made. I don't know the answer, and I know you ned one. All I can give you is food for thought. Weigh it up, are a few e-mails and texts and a few flutters of the heart really enough to prevent you from going through with this wedding?
I really wish you all the best. Just remember, whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you. x
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A
male
reader, nisho +, writes (13 November 2010):
nisho is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's my problem. K makes my heart beat faster. But the problem is, we haven't seen each other in a long time, so it's just been over email and texts.
And the biggest problem of all, the wedding is at the end of this month. In India. It's not like I would be canceling people's drives to a close by state. People have bought non refundable tickets to fly across the world. And I'm having these thoughts. I feel terrible :(
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A
female
reader, Probablylucy +, writes (13 November 2010):
Maybe You want to start thinking about what YOU want rather than who your family want you to be. Maybe, if you want to keep your family happy and marry this quiet indian girl for their sake, you may live a long, happy, hassle-free life. And that's fine, if that's what you want.
However you might want to take a chance. From what I can tell, this girl is possibly your first partner? and let me tell you, there are many more fish in the proverbial sea.
It's all about compromise. How much of your personal life will you give up to please your family? And how much of your family will you give up to please yourself? If you do choose to break up with the nice indian girl, will you regret it for the rest of your days? conversely, if you stay with her, will you end up unhappy?
There's no right answer to these things, it's eastern culture versus western culture, and unfortunately you seem caught in the battle between western individualism and Eastern family values. It's your decision, and websites like these can only advise and offer objective views.
I hope everything turns out well and I wish you the best of luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): Well, sweetie. From experience - marrying based on your parents wishes never work. It sounds rather selfish on their part. I admire traditions... but there are limits.. and the heart is one of them. You obiviously like both women, equally. But which one makes your heart beat harder, faster, and louder. She makes you feel you can take on the world like Superman, fight crime like Batman and love like Gandhi! Look... parents get over things quicker and faster if you make your voice heard. Keep telling them that you're not sure about the marriage arrangement. Always express your feelings... even to the proposed girl. They could never say that you lied or kept it from them... soon they will have to back off. And ask the question if you decided not to go with the marriage.. what would they do? Dis-own you? Why.. for being honest? Have a heart felt conversation... bring it up! Talk about it until they see your side of it.
Janine, Atl, Georgia
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (13 November 2010):
 You musnt let your family decide your fate or both you and your fiance will have problems if you marry with unsolved issues. But not everyone has to meet loads of girls to find the right one either. Sometimes people look for a life time and the one they think they are looking for ' the perfect one' never comes along. If you are not sure about marrying your fiance then let her know and let her down gently, not because you want to play the field, but because it won't be fair on her if you arent sure. Your confidence has grown alongside your maturity and that is why you are feeling okay now when you meet other girls, it was bound to happen at some point. Good Luck!
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