A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello World,I've got a question that I think I already know the answer to, but would like some reassurance with all the same (or other answers if any). It's about a woman I've been getting close to (in a strictly non-GF/BF way), and would like get further involved with (in a GF/BF way). There's something(...s) in the way, though:Proactive Disclosure.See, while I'm a nice guy, volunteer in my community, would gladly sacrifice my own comfort if it meant others' safety, and am generally honest and well-meaning, I've also been a terrible person. I've done immoral things and indulged in high-risk behaviour, and so I've got a whole lot of things that a potential girlfriend should know before getting involved with me...for starters(An inexhaustive list...)- I have a weird fetish for oral sex with older men- Stemming from that fetish, I've had casual oral sex with other older guys in the past (several times over the past 20 years), at least one of whom may have been attached. I didn't ask, although I damned-well should have and now that I myself am a bit older feel ashamed for the moral indescretion [not making sure of attached status] as well as the riskiness of the behaviour itself (casual oral sex just isn't safe - though I was lucky not to have caught anything).- The last time I indulged my fetish was a year ago, and I generally have gay fantasies beyond that. That is, while I don't consider myself gay in that I've only ever emotionally 'loved' women, I'm certainly not entirely straight either.- A couple of years ago I was involved with a married woman. While there were extenuating circumstances at the time, I now feel deep shame for having been a knowing part of infidelity. This is something that I would absolutely never do again, but it's also something that if hid would be a lie-by-omission.- I've occaisionally gone on porn-binges... Gay/straight/Freaky - you name it.In other words...I've got a whole lot of perversion and moral failings that I wouldn't be comfortable keeping from someone who I'd like to get involved with - and so would have to proactively disclose.I say 'would have to,' becuase - in previous relationships (in which I was faithful) - keeping my porn habits and old guy fetish to myself meant I couldn't be completely open with my then girlfriends, a fact which likely contributed to the failure of those relationships.The need for conducting my life honestly has since caught up with me, and is giving me the ass-kicking I deserve. So I'm not asking *whether* I should proactively disclose or not - I know I should - the question is how: All at once, or bit-by-bit with something like "...and there's more when you're done choking on your disgust.." (assuming she doesn't just flee after hearing the first couple of perversions)?Well, thanks for time and any advice you might have.
View related questions:
infidelity, married woman, older men, oral sex, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice, dollface1 & sammi - that helps quite a bit. I can see that spilling everything all at once isn't the way to go (though I'd definitely let her know about my sexual history before doing anything, well.. sexual. That's just manners.).
Well, thanks again!
A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Well you certainly shouldn't tell any potential patner your entire history immediatly. It isn't a case of perversions, it's your life and your history. Everyone has a past.
I would say tell the woman that you are bi, if she's got a problem with that then you shouldn't be together but if she's cool with it then fill her in on the rest later on bit by bit.
I don't see any reason you need to tell a woman about your affair with a married woman, she probably won't want to hear details about your past relationships anyway.
Many women do have a problem with porn although getting it out in the open and admitting that you do watch is preferable to her finding out when she'd been thinking that you didn't. Although some women do enjoy porn so you might be lucky enough to find someone like that!
You sound almost apologetic for all of this, don't be ashamed of who you are. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, dollface1  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 HiFirstly you are bi-curious, which do you like more men or women? Never ever tell the woman you with about the stories you have just disclosed, I promise she will run a mile. rather tell her that you are Bi and like both men and women. but you are willing to be with her and give it a try if she's willing. open up slowly to the person, give them a chance to see you in the boyfriend type of way and then make sure that person feels the same, before you spill the Bi story! when you start dating reveal it and if she leaves you then she's the idiot and didnt really care about you! then move on and find someone who will. and by the way some girls love porn to so maybe this chick can experience it with you? and you guys can try it out anyway i hope i helped you
...............................
|
