A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong to go on vacation to Europe for two weeks with my best friend, who happens to be a guy with a huge crush on me, when I am just starting to date someone new? I know the new guy I'm seeing gets jealous from time to time, and he knows my friend likes me... He hasn't asked me not to go, but I just don't know if it's right. I really want to make things work with the new guy so I have a feeling I shouldn't go...? Plus the best friend knows I don't have those kinds of feelings for him, but I feel I would be taking advantage of his feelings for me if I went...
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best friend, crush, jealous, on holiday Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007): Follow up to my question:Good stuff, thank you for taking the time to respond! I agree, I really, really like this new guy and don't want to screw it up, so I definately won't go (plus of course I wouldn't like it the other way around, how often we forget to think of it from another's perspective!) It honestly scares me how hard I'm already falling for this guy... however more issues loom and it may not even work out. Here's to hoping it does!
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 July 2007):
 You already know that answer to this question. LauraE had a great reply.
Lets be serious. There is jealousy and unfounded jealousy. Your boyfriend has EVERY reason to be jealous in this situation. Trust is very important in a relationship but you're sticking your head in the lions mouth. He's not telling you not to go to the zoo, just stay out of the lions den. That makes sense to me.
As a man, I can tell you that your friend has every hope that he will end up in bed with you. His moves will be calculated and his hopes will be high. He will be trying to make a good impression based on the fact he wants more, not because he wants to be your buddy......AND HE A MUCH AS TOLD YOU THIS ALREADY !!!!! You're baiting him !!!
Knowing this ahead of time, you are disrespecting your boyfriend in the worst way. Even if you are trustworthy, the torture he would feel, knowing some guy is using all the tricks to hook you, would be excruciating. The most painful part would be that you chose to let it happen, you volunteered.
How would you feel if your guy went away with some lady who wanted him? What if you knew that every morning when she woke up she was choosing her clothing based on what would make him attracted to her. What if she was choosing her underwear based on seducing him? Smiling as she put on her bikini because she knows he'll be looking. Styling her hair to look attractive to him. Leaving the door open so he could catch a glimpse etc. These are all things we do when we're searching for a mate, not a friend.
You should stay home and reinforce with your boyfriend in a general way that you though it was silly idea and you wouldn't want to give anybody the wrong impression. Then, figure out why you wanted the attention from the other guy....
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A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (3 July 2007):
Think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed. Your new guy is going away for 2 weeks with an attractive girl who really fancies him. Why do you think she would be going? For the culture? The sun? Meeting new people? I don’t think so either. It would be a very honourable, and rare, human being who went away with the object of their lust for 2 weeks with absolutely no intention of trying for more. Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t yet have the right to have a say in this, but that doesn’t affect how he will feel. He will be miserable, worrying about what is happening; he will wonder why you had to go away with this particular man if you really don’t fancy him at all. And yes, you are putting temptation in your friend’s way. Of course he is hoping that something might happen. You can go, because that is your right as a free human being, no question. How important is your new relationship? Think about how you would like to be treated. It wouldn’t be fair to behave in a way that you couldn’t accept yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007): As a guy, especially around your age, I could say that this would put me very on edge. However, in the beginning of the relationship everyone has there own space, he is probably trying not to invade yours, especially over jealousy.
If this was in the middle of the relationship, he could have a say and let you know his feelings, but at the beginning, everyone has their facade on.
I would say have a frank and to the point, don't beat around the bush at all, he might sense you have something to hide. (Men are just concise and need info quickly to make decisions, back story is a secondary necessity, facts first then details.) If he can't handle that, remind him its the beginning of the relationship and everyone still has their freedom and that you don't have a keeper.
I do get somewhat jealous but I try my best to bottle it, thats why I answered.
However, your best friend, despite knowing you don't like him is primed with hormones and hormone induced fantasies. He does have them, its as sure as death and taxes. Your foreign surroundings and his consumption of alcohol may unleash that.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (2 July 2007):
 If you don't feel it's right then don't go! Or ask if the guy you're dating wants to come along.
I think you have answered your own problem yourself int hat little post :)
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