A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm so upset and I feel worse because I know that I shouldn't be.My ex partner was a binge drinker and became increasingly abusive towards me. We both work as college lecturers, but in different universities.I left him about a year ago but, because our relationship was a long one and he was very loving and caring in other ways, we agreed to be friends. We knew that this would complicate things but it's what we decided, in the long run, to do - it was also due to practicalities in some respects: I had become seriously ill with the stress of the relationship and he was often the only person 'there' for me when I was ill and also I was helping him to come to terms with his alcoholism - he has now finally agreed to go to counselling. So we both knew it wasn't a perfect way to end things but both felt too vulnerable just to split and not speak to one another.Anyway, I recently learned some upsetting information about him. Years ago we went through a bad patch because I realised he had been flirting with his students - he is now 40 - and one work colleague claimed she had something of a fling/affair with him. He promised it was all very over-exaggerated and that he had been 'lost' due to his drinking and us not getting on. But I found out recently from some of his students that he now has a reputation for being the 'drunken lecturer' who will go with them to the student bar and get drunk and then will start groping the female students. There is one student in particular that he has been targetting and as far as I know she is upset about it - apparently he tried to physically grab her and pull her away from her friends. I know it is over between us, and I know I should not be surprised. But this has left me feeling something that I have never really felt before. I feel so sad for him on his part as I know he seems like an overly lecherous man but he is actually very sexually inexperienced - we each only had one previous partner before getting together. I think what upsets me is the age gap - the girls are younger than my daughter - only around 22 or 23. And what upsets me is that this girl is very, very similar to how I was at that age when we first met - looks very similar and very shy and quiet like I was. The students who told me this said that he has a bad reputation at his college. I know I feel sad for him, but on my own part I cannot actually identify the feeling that I have just on my part. I never had such a feeling before and it is making me feel very disempowered to not really understand what I feel. I think very 'let down' or foolish - like I've been fooling myself to believe he was stronger than that and that, despite everything, he really did love me but just had a drink problem.I'm upset now because I feel that I cannot be his friend, and yet I still do love him. I'm very confused. I'm fully aware that we've not properly 'separated' but please don't judge us, neither of us have had any support with this and no one else we can really turn to.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (2 June 2014):
 When I found out that my ex was seeing someone else while he was seeing me, even though we were already broken up, I felt humiliated. How could I not have known? How could I be so stupid? How could I have allowed such a man into my bed and into my life? I went down a dark hole of despair. I made the mistake of blaming myself, instead of him. This is what happens when we experience a deep betrayal by someone we love and trust. You have to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal, accept and move on. You were betrayed. He was not the man you thought he was.
If the two of you are still on speaking terms, then I would suggest that you let him know just how terribly this piece of news affected you. Maybe it will be a wake up call for him to stop drinking.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2014): Dear Anonymous,
It appears that your support is angling in the wrong direction. After all, you have dealt with a lot from your "ex partner" , and it is time for you to begin coping with your own emotions. I suggest find a support system that will benefit you. There are lots of online sites that empower women- for example: Chicken Soup. Focusing on your own mental health now will positively impact your future relationships. Consider it before you decide to do something you will regret like rekindling the relationship with your ex partner.
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