A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My in laws have selfishly enjoyed their life, they have always put themselves first.Should i help them now that they both have some health problems?They have always treated me as an outsider, they're thoughtless towards me, my kids and my husband.No matter what we do for them, nothing changes.My husband has always done things for them, and when they want something doing, they want it done yesterday!I don't want my husband to feel guilty if anything happens to them.I have some health problems myself.They always see their own daughters' needs and are always fussing over them and their kids.My own Mum and Dad passed away many years ago.I hope someone can help. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): Thanks everybody again for all your advice. I feel a little less broken now.I did thank everyone in a new post which Abella saw so thanks Abella for replying and putting me right on posting it here.I don't know how to post it so as everyone knows it was me replying - and come up with yellow highlighter so i put in the new post.Thanks again everybody. Best of Luck to you all. x
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (20 March 2011):
 thank you for the nice follow up. As you posted it up as a new question your follow up is not showing here.
But i know you were appreciative of everyone's help.
To make your follow up show here you just reply to your own question here, as a reply. Easy error, don't worry, your appreciation noted, thx, Abella
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Little digs like theirs really can add up. I thought maybe they were just sort of short with you here and there. I wouldn't do jack for them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): I don't know why you you are annoying yourself over your in-laws after the way they have treated you.You say they have always seen their daughters needs and are always fussing over her. Well i guess now its her turn to do the fussing. Don't feel bad about putting yourself and your family first. It sounds like you've been through enough. Look after your own needs first just like they have been doing.No your not selfish. Take care.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (19 March 2011):
I think that you husband opinion is key factor here to make a decision.If they are so selfish I would prefer to help as long as it doesn't affect my own family. And I would make very clear that what I'm doing is something they wouldn't do for me. And make it clear to them and the rest of the family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Reply:I'm not wanting to play tit for tat. I have so many times let the past go and just wanted things to be normal. No jibing, which my mother in law likes to do, alot!When they could go on their many weekend breaks and nights out i never begrudged them but she does be nasty when something good comes up for us and tries to spoil it for us.I started keeping to myself for a few years now rarely seeing them, my husband visits them with the kids, they don't ask about me any more, it seems to suit them. I've been to family funerals and my in laws treat me differently (like family) when others are about, then as soon as its over its back to treating me like a stranger again, with cutting remarks. I think my mother in law does it to keep me away and she is succeeding. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): I have a different point of view here which many aunts would not agree to. Personally, I think that if you don't stand by your in laws in times of their need, how does that make you different from them? Just because they were mean to you, don't fall as low as them. Don't go out of your way and jeopardize your health in the bargain, but do whatever you can.My granny has been TERRIBLE to my mum...and has treated her in the same way that you have been treated. It continues to this day because my grandmother lives with my parents. She also favours my aunts(her daughters) more, demeans my father as and when she feels like...yet my mom has always taken care of her. It irritated the HELL out of me, because I could never understand why she was being so nice. But I realized now that if you treat someone the way they have treated you(badly), then there is no difference between you and them. Do whatever YOU think and feel is right. Never follow the tit-for-tat policy. Thats not what life is about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Its me again...how bad are they?...wellMy Mum had cancer for 3 months before she died and only once did they ask about her well being.They had to know i suffered depression after my mum died and ignored it, and constantly had a list of jobs for my husband to do (on Saturday's and evenings) which left me home alone with a baby and a toddler.I had just moved house and I was ready to give birth when Mum died and the only time they visited was when my aunt and uncle did, in between times i never heard from them, all for show!Point blank refuse to do a favor, which was seldom asked, they always had something to go to or do, yet expected anything they wanted done, done pronto.Forget to tell us about family gatherings, say that they did and be cross at us for not showing up.Snide remarks to me about my weight and how i done things.Never properly praise anything my kids done or achieved.I have put all this stuff out of my head but now that there is a possibility of having more to do with them or being left without a husband again it really brings all the bad stuff up again. Thanks everyone for your replies and if you can shed more light on it please do, am i selfish or are they?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 March 2011):
Please allow me to disuade you from caring for a relative unless you already have a very loving, caring, good and very happy relationship with the person/s to be cared for.
For even if you love them to bits and get on with them very very well it is a demanding role and will take a toll on your family life.
Surely their daughter should be asked to help first?
Unless you have thought it out the demands can get tougher with every passing month, especially in the last five years.
Could you imagine having to shower your by then very frail mother-in-law? or your husband needing to shower his by then very frail father?
It can be exhausting caring for a ailing, impaired, elderly or frail relative. Each month cumulatively becomes more difficult.
And over time it becomes even more taxing on the carer. Needs are urgent and must be met. Special needs can escalate to a point where specialist equipment and meals are requried.
It can be a big drain on the health of the family 24/7 in house (you) family carers.
And if you are going to do the caring, while your sister in law does not, then you have a right to ask that any Will is fair to both your husband and his sister. It is no good complaining when it is too late to complain. Get a copy in writting, not rely on some spoken assurance to 'not worry about that'
Caring can be a 24/7 commitment.
But if you do not have the love for the persons and do not have the resouces and the expertise then don't start what you will not be able to cope with, long term.
Because it will not get easier.
Unless you can be certain that you will have access to additional carers to assist then do not start. Plus if you do use carers in the home that requires paperwork to be written up. And managing to ensure that you have all the supplies at hand for the person needing care, and the carers..
The demands on carers become higher over time. And the ailing person can start (in some instances) all very relieved that the assistance is forthcoming at the beginning, but over time become more insecure, more demanding and, sadly,
even resentful of the able bodied carer.
It can also be a great drain on family life. One part of the home has to have enough room for all that is required.
Think it out thoroughly. You will also always be out of pocket with the expenses unless this is discussed and agreed in writing by all parties at the outset. If it is not all documented then any family (who refuse to help) will be the first ones complaining later about what was spent on the person.
Not realising costs such as disposable adult diapers $x per month, medicines, hand sterilzing gel, disposable this and that, ConfidentCareProducts, special food for dysphagia, Connie pads.
And if you don't have access to support services to assist and are really on your own it is very very tough. All such expenses plus receipts must be scrupulously accounted for. Also
I do not know what government services are available in your country to help. Nor what laws apply such as Power Of Attorney (spending to support the person being cared for) and power of guardian (what care when and where)
But do not go in blind. Let the 'special very loved' daughter/sister in law assist too
Think what this could become ??
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (19 March 2011):
 look if they have always been about helping themselves to what they want, then let them help themselves now. what do they expect you to do anyway? you need to explain things in much less vague language. i can undersatnd how you FEEL from your question, but not really figure out exactly what has HAPPENED.more info please- details...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Just how bad are they? I don't mean health wise but how badly do they treat you?Are they to the point that you might consider them toxic? To you or your relationship with your husband?If they are not so bad that you would actually cut them completely out of your life you may need to go along to get along. In a family dynamic and from the vantage point of an outside (in-laws) there are few gray areas. I say help them unless or until it gets unbearable. But the second you call them on their crap get ready for a big nasty campaign to make you look like a bitch and for them to dog pile you even more. The lengths people will go to and cause trouble is not OK
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