A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes: In Love With a Younger Woman?I am hoping someone might give me sound advice.I have fallen head over heals in love with a woman of 39 who is younger than me by 20 years.I have been a happily married man for 35 years with 4 grown up children. i have never wanted, needed or been unfaithful to my wife. We are very happy except that my feelings for this woman have grown and I think my wife may have put 2 and 2 together.I met this younger woman at work and as the time went by I realised suddenly how my feelings for her had developed until i began texting her very regularly and finding any excuse just to be in her company because I love her so much.Originally i know this woman, a young divorcee with a 7 year old son and in a relationship which she states she is not particularly happy in enjoyed the attention I gave her and we became real buddies. She would confide in me and ask my advice. I would treat her and her son to things which she has never refused although she began to become uncomfortable about the attention I gave her after I introduced her to my wife and we began going out for meals as a foursome. She would state that she looked upon me as a 2nd father but I always felt this was a ploy to explain to others our obviously close friendship. She is always very careful that others do not think we are too close as I think having been cheated by her original partner and husband she does not like the idea of being the cause herself of a marraige break up.I have no desire to upset my very special wife or my family but I am totally besotted by this younger woman. She is the last person I think of at night and I spend my time creating ways to communicate with her.I think she does like me a lot but doesnt like to admit it because of the upset it might cause and because she is worried about the age difference and what her mother and others might think. Consequently our friendship is not realy going anywhere and she has started to treat me a litle coldly as I feel she believes that nothing will come of our friendship.Despite not wanting to hurt my wife I do want our friendship to develop as I just love being with her aand just being able to look at her and here her sweet and happy voice. How can I know if she cares for me as I do her and get her to break away from worrying what others might think? If anyone has any good advice it would be great as I am totally miserable a the moment and keep thinking I should tell her how I feel and blow the consequences.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): Thanks for your interest. I have done nothing to further the relationship with the younger woman despite continuing to love her fiercely. i feel she may have decided I am no longer interested but to be honest it remains a very complicated and at times painful situation that I have to continue to live with as we still work together. I still look for an answer to my dilemma but I fear now that there isn't one. The love I hold for my wife and for this younger woman continues undiminished.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): Thanks for the update.
What have u decided/done about your situation?
Did you diffuse a potential affair?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to thank the anonymous last person to answer as yes they did help by at least understanding my awful dilemma and i should have thanked them earlier ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): I haven’t walked a mile in your shoes, but maybe a couple of hundred yards. I wasn’t “looking for love” outside of my marriage in any way, shape or form. And what jumped out and bit me wasn’t love. But it was an infatuation that hit me so hard it knocked me on my ass.Perhaps you’ve done a better job in your marriage than I have. Don’t get me wrong, most people would look at us as being very successful. We have great kids, it’s a harmonious home, and we’re reasonably prosperous. I like and respect my wife. It’s a comfortable partnership. But after 30 years ‘passion’ is a memory, not an experience.I think what completely stunned me with the other girl was how suddenly alive I felt. It was such a staggering thing, to realize how complacent I’d become, how I was stumbling through the remainder of my life in an emotional fog, when suddenly the wind came and blew the fog away, to reveal a bright, sunlit vista that I hadn’t seen in years.Neither she nor I allowed anything to come of it, and a flame that shines that brightly burns out sooner rather than later. So my experience isn’t of any use to you in terms of advice. I don’t know how you walk the line between nurturing your intense friendship with the younger girl and keeping your wife happy and secure. But I thought you might appreciate hearing from someone who at least understands your dilemma.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): />Look, you could have done the most obvious and terminated contact with the young one but you chose not to. Therein lies your answer: you made a decision to still have a relationship with her. What did you do differently after you wrote to DC last year?I repeat: your wife deserves better and you know it. Release her so that she can enjoy the charms of another man. You have replaced her in your heart already SO a divorce will not affect you at all. Anyways this younger chick who has no qualms getting entangled with a married man, well that speaks volumes about her: her character (or lack thereof), her integrity and her concept of marital fidelity. Be careful what you wish for, it may just be your biggest nightmare and when you fall, you will not recover. At least you have been forewarned, if you choose to continue with your affair then expect a life changing course.LoveGirl
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 No offense, really. But I highly doubt that anyone's advice will change in 5 months.
You really can't go on having BOTH women in you life. It doesn't work that way. Unless your wife would agree to let you have this other woman in you life as your girlfriend. Somehow, I doubt she'll go for that.
Another thing is you don't even know if this woman reciprocates your feelings! In a sense you're creating an unnecessary problem.
So the time is going to come of where you're going to have to pick your wife or a woman who you don't even know harbors the same feelings. Will you risk your marriage for a younger woman? Or will you put this woman behind you and go on to make it 36+ years? You need to make a decision, there's no way that you can have both women in your life. Trying to juggle them is already wearing you down emotionally. You're bringing this upon yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, well 5 months or so have gone by and I have really tried to put this younger woman in a proper context. I have even attempted to apply the wisdom of some of the aunts whose advise I did not appreciate. For all my good efforts my feelings remain totally unaltered. I love this younger woman. If anything I love her even more, if that is possible. I just love being with her, talking to her and being in her company. I do not allow any sexual considerations to spoil the fondness and joy I feel in her presence as these would make me feel I was being unfaithful to my wife. I still live each day on the horns of a dilemma and it still leaves me ultimately very unhappy, unable to declare my certain love for this younger woman and feeling also I am short changing my wife. Is there any answer, I don't know but hopefully there is a sympathetic aunt out there who can still help me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell tennisstar88 has at least begun to get near to understanding the dilemma i face. Thanks for that even if reply i detect is tinged with fair amount of irony. Maybe I should quit while I am ahead. i thank the aunts for contributions offered
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 November 2010):
What I'm understanding is that you want advice on how to keep the both of them and live in harmony..
You love your special wife and want to keep her but you love this treasure which you are hanging onto. Although you're not 100% certain her feelings for you.
You don't want to choose, so unless you can get them to agree to a polygamous relationship then you're going to have to pick one or the other. If you can get them to agree to those terms, more power to you..your problem will be solved.
But it's unlikely you can have your cake and eat it too, unless you engage in your affair which you said that's not what you want. Then you can keep it as a friendship, which you don't seem to want either. So what do you want with this woman?
What happens if you do confess your feelings? Either she'll harbor the same feelings, then what do you do? Or she tells she looks at you in the fatherly light nothing more..then you can move on and focus on your marriage.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 November 2010):
 It seems you are not happy with the answers you are receiving.
You say you have no desire to upset your wife or family.
You say this young lady is going cold because you feel she believes that nothing will come of our friendship.
You say you do not want to hurt your wife BUT you want the friendship to develop.
Develop into what?
Are you wanting to install her somewhere just so you can look at her and here (sic) her sweet and happy voice?
What are you expecting HER to get from that arrangement, what of her son, how long do you think he would tollerate such a thing?
Is that not what you want? What do you want? Do you want us to tell you how to dump your wife while keeping her and your family perfectly happy and accepting of this?
What do you want as a final outcome to this? Only by determining what you want and who you are prepared to hurt to get it will you be able to find the answers you want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBe nice to receive advise from someone who 'understands' the problem from my perspective a little better. Rather than assuming it is the result of a stale, boring current relationship which it is not or assuming I was looking for an affair which I was not. Try to 'understand' I was not looking to fall in love. This came on me like a thief in the night and i have found a real treasure I do not want to surrender. The 'aunts' should give me more respect for my commitment to my special wife and 'understand' my dilemma better. Love like this happens only rarely in a lifetime. I am still hoping for a better answer.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 November 2010):
 Personally I see excellent advice here. You realize it is possible that over the course of 35 years, you heart has become jaded to the monolithic form of impenetrable love you shared with your wife. So when a new woman offered closeness, when she offered something different, your heart grew confused. This new feeling was fresh unlike the seemingly (for lack of a better word) stagnant love you have in your marriage.
Granted, that first anonymous female may have been rather prejudiced but the rest I see have given excellent advice. We all know you have to choose, YOU know you have to choose. You want answers as to how or why? We have given you that answer. How do you choose? You focus on one and let feelings for the other fade away. Why should you choose? Because an affair is out of the question for both women.
You cannot assume NONE of these people have ever been in love, that would be a terribly shameful accusation, especially one where evidence so tyrannically points to the opposed.
Generally everyone is on the side of your wife, the only problem is, you do not WANT to let go of one and that is to be expected because love in purest form is incredibly strong and difficult to rid yourself of. You do not want to let go, do so for your wife and for your children. Do so because that other woman does not WANT to be the cause of a violent crack in something so lasting and beautiful. Do so because you do not wish to put your children through something difficult and something that could potentially cause them to hate you. Trust me.
Let go of this other woman who already expressed that she saw you as a father figure. Whilst that does have meaning, it is not the meaning you wish to start a relationship on.
Look at your wife, listen to her. When she smiles, do you not remember 35 years of the happiness you felt when you were with her? This is the mother of your children for god's sake, she nurtured these children within her womb for nine months and she was happy to was she not? Because she thought you would always be there for her and, I am sure, at the beginning of this relationship, you thought the same.
When you hold her, do you feel nothing? Of course you feel something! Else you would not have come here asking in a desperate cry for emotional relief as we attempt to grasp some of the awful weight you are carrying and heave it from your shoulders. Do not leave your wife for something, I am confident, will not work. This other woman just does not think of you in a romantic sense. Be there for your wife. You spent 35 of your best years with each other, whatever you are feeling now, even though it is strong and unbearable, do you not think it is something worth fighting for? Fending it from your other misguided feelings?
I know may argue against this, you will argue that you are not misguided. You are and worst of all, you cannot see it. Which is why you so willingly defended your own feelings from these other Aunts who have given you their own thoughts about this.
You think NONE of us have ever gone through a heartbreak before? Of course we have. Do you truly believe that NONE of us have EVER had to let go of something we loved dearly for the sake of something that always had and always SHOULD have our hearts? In one way or another, I am sure that most of us have.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHell no, none of these answers gets close to really helping.
Typical of a stereotypical female view that a man is just interested in getting 'in her panties' as stated by one 'aunt'.
I could have written a more revealing answer to myself.
If all I wanted was to have an affair with this young woman, really, would i come on this site for advise - do me a favour - try and give my question more respect than that or perhaps you have never experienced the true heart pangs of really loving someone. Unfortunately I find myself loving two people and wanting to make them both happy which is not really possible.
if you do know that immense, wonderful and frightening 'i love you' feeling then please look at your answer and review it with less male prejudice. At least the guy is making an attempt to offer some good positive advise if not, for me, still quite hitting the mark.
if your jaundiced view of love is that its all just a prelude to a quickie then i don't think you should seek to offer advise. Why not ask a few questions before jumping to cliched conclusions. For all that I thank you all for your time and efforts. I still have the problem but be assured - I know being, wanting or trying to be 'unfaithful' is not an option.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): What an absolutely sad position your wife is in. After spending 35 years with you, raising 4 children, and going through/sharing an entire lifetime together she hasn't even garnered devotion, loyalty or true heartfelt love from you. This strikes me as terribly empty and sad. Your actions render 35 years together as utterly pointless and sadly... perhaps a waste of her time.I can understand infatuation... especially at your age... but for heaven's sake, where is your attachment to your wife? How can lust and fantasy for another woman become so enticing to you that you would render an entire life shared with your wife and children disposable? My heart breaks for your wife. I cannot imagine the pain she would experience in heartbreak if she knew that the foursome experiences of taking out this woman and her child were rendez vous fueling your love and fantasy. It would render me a puddle of tears, I can tell you that.How does this happen to so many married people? How is the utter beauty of what you have shared in 35 years lost so easily? Why haven't you attached your heart to your dear wife? I believe that the gift another gives of their life should mean something. It should mean something to you.At almost 60 years old you are thinking of trashing an entire life to be with someone you've become infatuated with. Please think long and hard... remember the girl you married... work on your marriage... see your wife through the eyes you once did.If she sees you as a father and cherishes this friendship between you and your wife... telling her... may destroy whatever friendship you have. And... it may hurt her tremendously to know that your friendship was not genuine... but secretly something sexual. I have been in your friend's shoes... and trust me, it was very upsetting to learn that it wasn't the friendship I thought it was...My heart breaks for your wife and for this woman. You need to do some soul searching and purge your heart of selfishness. Remember that it is far more valuable a thing to love and to endure than to run for fantasy. Because, in the end my dear friend you are only running from yourself.You can lose everything including your self respect.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): So what are u askig exactly: do u want the Aunts to guide u in having an affair. Actions and consequences: so basically u want to destroy 35 yrs and get with a woman who has perhaps made her choice of not getting involved with a MM. You want to forcibly be with this woman. Where is the respect and the boundaries. For goodness sake this younger woman sees u like a second father and all you want to do is get into her panties. At least she worries about her reputation yet u want to destroy it.And what about your wife? How the hell do u explain your affair to her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Beware of one who has nothing to lose.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (23 November 2010):
After 35 years of marriage what is it lacking for you to look at this younger woman?
If you don't want to hurt your wife then don't..Don't take this friendship any further, it can never go any further if you want to keep your special wife. Why tell this woman how you really feel when you are married and don't want to hurt your wife? You don't even know if this woman looks at you as just a fatherly figure nothing more.
You've got 2 choices..Divorce your wife before you engage in an affair, because of a midlife crisis and tell this young woman how you feel possibly taking it further. Or choose you're wife whom you have been apparently happily married to for 35 years.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (23 November 2010):
Never assume reasons for her behavior. Your apparent feelings towards her may blind her and drive you to think wrongly of her actions.
Do you truly love your wife? If you do, do not take any action, stop finding excuses to be with this other woman and instead, find excuses to be with your wife. Spend time with her, make her smile again, date her again. Do everything you can to be with her and show her that you still love her. The less you see or hear of this other woman, the more your feelings for her will die away.
If you do not love your wife, divorce her. You will be free to pursue this other woman without the risk of cheating. You are already hurting your wife if she truly has figured it out already. If you divorce your wife, she will no longer has to worry about the affair, although, I sense that she may already despise what has happened because she sees your marriage crumbling because of her and how you feel about her.
Choose.
I hope that helps.
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