A
male
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anonymous
writes:Hi guys, I'm looking for some advice with love! I'm 25 and have had 3 serious relationships in my life, the longest being 4years the other 2 being just short of a year each. The latest girl I was with took me for a ride, she would abuse my good nature and expect lifts everywhere expect me to work a 60hour week and still be the one that cooked and cleaned up after her and her 3 children who were all under 5. At the time it felt normal but once I stepped back and looked at it I realised she wasn't for me. Anyway the new girl who I am crazy about.....I have known her for 6years, she is 24. She was a work colleague at my first ever full time job and we built a friendship up and have remained in contact throughout all of my relationships and hers. She has been in one solid 7 year relationship with the same guy all the time, they had little breaks every now and then but always ended up back together, now they have a little girl together and are 3months separated. I have been single about 5-6weeks. We have always said we would make a good couple as we know alot about each other and about 2 weeks ago when we were out drinking we kissed, it was magical and I remember thinking we were obviously meant for each other, since then we have been in contact every day and have been on numerous dates. It was all going perfect until one day she said I don't think I want to risk ruining our friendship, if caught me off guard so I replied ok, so shall we call quits? She said she thinks that's the best thing to do. I was upset and didn't know what to do so I just left her to herself for a few days, she then rang me and asked me if I could pick her up from a club and take her home, I was working but was due a break so I could. I went to collect her and her friend and took them to her friends, she was fairly drunk and was flirting heavily, she asked if she could stay at mine whilst I worked and wait for me to finish at 6am. I was happy about this so agreed. I went to finish my shift after dropping her friend home and then her at mine, 3hours went by and I was home bound with a smile and eager to see the girl I was smitten about. When I got back she was awake waiting for me, we spoke and cuddled, it was really nice and she was saying stuff like I really really like you. I think you'd be the perfect bf, you make me feel special when you hold me and kiss me. Everything felt perfect and we made love. We fell back asleep and then about midday her phone woke us and she had to leave to collect her daughter. Since that very moment she left my place she has hardly said a sentence to me, I have text her a few times telling her I really like her too, tried to arrange our next date, but she isn't replying. I feel stupid cause the bond we have as friends is amazing and I worry that I will of lost that now. My guy instinct tells me she is afraid of falling for me, whereas my colleagues say she is probably looking for a lift now she is single and lonely. Does anyone have some advice? I feel like pulling my hair out, I hate not knowing where I stand.Thanks Paul
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female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (16 April 2013):
 HI Paul
If you feel that there is something there, and she wants to see if there is too just take things back a notch. Go out dating becasue YES you know her as a friend but you don't know her as a lover, so you need to take things slowly. Your both still a little tender from your breakups, and she does have a daughter to think about. Im guessing she is a good mother so will not want men coming and going in her daughters life , how will that be for her? just take it slow and build up a new kind of freindship with her and see how it goes.
Mandy
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2013): "Is it not possible to build love from a freindship?"
Yeah, the best relationships I've had did, including with my fiancée. But I was single 2 years and she'd never had a serious relationship and her last ex was about a year before we got together.
"Is your soulmate not your best friend?"
There's the dreamer in you coming out again, you need to stop watching Twlight, only kidding. Your head knows the deal, you're in the worst of conundrums now, the part where timing is everything because you don't want to lose her affection to another guy but you also don't want to rush into something that could end with you losing her completely. But then again, who's to say you're not the one on the rebound or seeing in her a solution to your past failures that she doesn't really represent, I mean there is just a hint of you reacting to how you were treated by your ex OP, sounds like you want to play it safe in some respects. You too need to take the time to ensure that this is what you really want.
OP friendships aren't always good romances. The rules are different, expectations and emotions are very different too. We treat our partners differently than we do our friends. My friends can get away with a lot by me but my partner has a more strict set of conditions. The conditions have to be quite specific for it to happen too. You see OP there has to be a reason why you get together. Me and my fiancée fell in love through just growing ever closer to each other, we were practically a couple before we ever took the next step.
The reason we didn't start off romantically was because she was only 16, and there's no chance in hell I was going to attempt a relationship with a 16 year old. She was the same about a guy my age.
You know well that rebound on its own is not a good reason and you also know that just because the friendship works doesn't mean that romance will, because a lot of the time it works so well because you're one of the only guys who doesn't expect a certain behaviour from her, you know like being considerate of you, not cheating, all the usual mundane stuff. Adding those things to a friendship can kill it. It can take away the guy you were to her if you get what I mean.
Is it possible for you and she to end up together, hell yeah it is. But the rebound thing here is huge OP. You know from experience that you can't trust the emotions of a person on the rebound. I mean you could spend the next month being completely loved up, fully sure you're sailing into a warm sunset only for her to snap out of it and realize she doesn't like you that way.
You see there is a major difference between starting as friends and starting off romantically and that's the whole deal of why you didn't start with this person romantically, why did you become friends and not lovers. The most important thing after that then comes in to play; why all of a sudden has that changed? Your situation seems to be that she was always spoken for so you never got the chance, but frankly OP in the time you've known her, you've never known the single her. You only knew her as a partner to this other dude.
Now there is zero chance of knowing whether this is a case of you both finally having your chance or whether you're both just looking at each other for comfort and support, and that it's the rebound that has led you to both to think romance would be a logical next step.
Bide your time here OP, see how she reacts to everything when you meet her next. Don't ignore that statement about not ruining the friendship, OP you know the utter devastation of a break up, you know how fucked it makes your brain. Imagine that after a 7 year relationship, your brain will convince you that the most stupid shit is a great idea, as you know well. Just be cautious OP and don't ignore your head.
Stop trying to find out if it's going to work beforehand. You know all the risks, you know the chances of this getting messy are relatively high in both your frames of mind but it doesn't mean you back off completely either. Play it by ear and see what happens. Just manage your expectations OP, the easiest mistake here would be to expect too much of her, to demand too much of her and let your feelings get the better of you if things aren't going the way you're dreamers mind expected. In other words OP, play it cool.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for both your answers, I guess I should of wrote a bit more detail as your both believing she was extremely drunk when we did the deed. She wasn't she had sobered up alot, we spoke for a long time before it got to the stage of even kissing and our hands running wild. The passion in the moment was immense, I asked her numerous times if she was sure she wanted to do this as I completely understood what was happening and I guess that by hearing her confirm it was ok was enough for me. As it happens late in the day today she called me asking if she had left her inhaler at mine, she had....so we met up and had a brief talk, she says there's no regret and she was just tired that's why she had been in touch too often or in depth. But she did talk about how much she enjoyed hersef and that we would go out for food midweek. It's confusing for me as this girl knows everything about me, she has been there for me when iv had break ups in the past, she has advised me on issues I have had in the past, she knows how I think and how I act more than anyone and I don't know if that's the problem, is she going to use that against me in the long run? My heart tells me that we could create a good relationship with solid foundations due to our friendship, my head tells me it's too soon for both of us to get carried away, I don't want this girl to be my rebound and I defiantly don't want to be hers, I think the fact we have this long standing friendship will help to avoid this. Is it not possible to build love from a freindship? Is your soulmate not your best friend?Paul
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2013): Sorry OP but you're right to feel stupid. You have been a complete idiot and this is another case of when you look from the outside you'll see this whole situation is very obvious.
I knew what was happening after your third paragraph, I mean I know love is blind, but come on OP, you can't be this blind.
Here's the situation and here's how it developed.
First off you're both on the rebound. Do I need to explain what that means? Do I need to explain that 3 months out of 7 year relationship is peanuts and she's still very much his girl, hurt as fuck and looking for anything to ease that pain and that this also makes her very vulnerable, especially while drunk?
So she doesn't feel anything at all for you OP, she has made that 100% clear and quite early too with her "I don't want to ruin the friendship" statement. That translates into I don't want to be with you romantically, that the first time it happened was because she was drunk and she regretted it. It's very clear that's what happened, even if you in your drunken stupor see it as a sign you're meant to be together.
Jesus dude, you really are a dreamer aren't you? Your ex and now this chick. You need to stop getting carried away with your emotions and read things better OP, this is very obvious.
OP you made the biggest mistake ever sleeping with her after she made it clear you'll only ever be friends, you took advantage of a drunk rebound girl. Now that's fine if it's a stranger, a drunk girl just looking to bone. But this is your friend and she made it clear how she felt about the situation and you still went ahead and took advantage. It doesn't matter whether she was the one who tore off your pants and ravaged you, you knew she'd feel utterly guilty or used because she told you that already. I mean come on OP, you don't use a friends vulnerable emotions and/or drunkenness to shag her, can you not see how that may fuck everything up? Just out of a very long term relationship, drunk as hell, in pain, lonely all the emotions you feel when you break up and what do you do? You "make love" to her when she already said "I don't want to ruing the friendship", she warned you that taking it further would spoil the friendship. Can you not for a minute just step outside what you want and actually see what has happened here? You know where you stand OP, you spoiled the friendship, a good friend would have stopped her put her to bed while she was drunk, protected the friendship, but you just took what you wanted without considering how it may effect her.
Op don't feel bad or guilty, you're a dreamer you get lost in the fantasy of your emotions when it comes to women and prefer to bury your head in the sand. You didn't do any of this on purpose. But you really need to learn your lessons from this.
1. Sex mostly ruins friendships, not always but mostly.
2. Using a friends vulnerability after a break up to try and woo her is pretty much going to ruin your friendship because a good friend protects their friend when like that, not sees it as an opportunity to get them.
3. Using a friends drunkenness to take advantage of her is probably going to make her feel like utter shit, for so many different reasons. I had a friend who I slept with while drunk who cut the shit out of her arms the next day her reaction was so severe because she thought our friendship was gone for good. Holy shit right? Not normal at all but women can have a pretty severe mental reaction to having unplanned sex with someone they wouldn't normally have sex with.
OP you know where you stand right? I mean seriously, look at what's happened here and tell me what's happening now. She doesn't want you, she made that clear and now she may not even want to be friends with you, because she also made it clear that sex would mean the death of your friendship.
The only real question left is whether she now thinks you're an asshole who used her or whether she feels she's a stupid bitch who ruined this while drunk.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (15 April 2013):
HI Paul
I think deep down you know that that was the drink talking. If you really had any respect for this woman you would never have had sex with her whilst she was under the influence of drink. That being said yes she probally is scared of ruining the friendship, and she has a child with this other guy, they will always have a special bond and may even get back together. As hard as it is for you right now you have to except she only wants to stay friends and realizes that it was a mistake. The only way to get over this will be to cut all ties...no phoning, texting,no picking up or dropping off, nothing... it will be the quickest way to move on and least painful, or you will continue to feel crushed and end up running around after her just in hope she will change her mind which sadly I doubt she will. I know I may sound blunt but I would rather speak the truth than give you a load of cobbles just so you can feel better. Can I suggest you take some time out? stay off the dating scene for a bit, work out what you REALLY want from a woman and then take your time in getting to know her and woo her.
Mandy x
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