A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been together with the same woman since we were teens (30 years). Wonderful kids, it was a long struggle - but life turned out very well for us and I do help out around the house and look after the kids every change I get.However, we are reaching the point on a couple of fronts where I am thinking seriously about pulling the plug pretty much every day and I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has be going through the same thing.First - nothing is ever enough for her. I know some husbands say that - but for real, this is honestly how it is here.No matter much money I earn, we always, always end up somehow in deeper debt. No matter how well the kids do - she is on their ass about something. No matter how great life is going at any given moment - there is something, no matter how small, that brings her down and - she is a blue water joy vampire of the highest caliber when she starts to get going.In point of fact, she goes out of her way find crappy things to focus on or create. Often self fulfilling prophecies actually.Bringing us to number two - all things going well and a surprisingly solid career being established on my part and the kids all in private school on trade for her administrative time and everything going better than most people can dream about - she decides that our marriage must be in trouble. All these years in, all her voiced wishes and desires achieved, it is like she has decided everything else being demonstratively OK - it must then be time to torpedo the marriage.I have given a lifetime to this woman and to say that I haven't loved her more than life itself would be an understatement.Yes, she has always had some issues with depression - but - she has always looked for things to be depressed about and this one is starting to look like one she can finally take me down with her on.Frankly, I'm not sure I am up to making this work anymore - but - am willing to listen to any and all advise/experience on this because I have to say that at this point she is pretty much dead to me.I'd like for once to just enjoy any happiness and peace my little life has to offer before I finally fall off the perch. You know?
View related questions:
debt, depressed, money, want to be happy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): Thx folks - the situation remains the same - stalemate.
In answer to your questions, she has always been negative and has managed to finally drag me in with her. She doesn't drink - perhaps she should. Perhaps I should take it up.
I tried to explain how I thought things were pretty good for us, but that I needed something for myself sometimes as it's been a really long hard road to here. You know, just anything.
Her retort was that life isn't meant to be happy, I'm selfish and should take any happiness from the kids.
So, back to staying as much out of her way as possible. I have a week off right now - first one in about 2 years. Bet she goes out of her way to treat me like crap the whole time.
I think I made some very poor choices back in the day.
Crap.
A
male
reader, blaplanet  +, writes (30 July 2007):
Man your posting rang so many bells for me. I have done nothing over the past years except be the sole provider (so she can stay home for our kids), get her all the things she wants, do the majority of the cooking and cleaning, etc. Despite this, she's a functional alcoholic for whom nothing is ever enough and goes out of her way to take little things and turn them into a seriously major drama.I too think about what to do every day - leaving/staying wo knows. Kids come first and while she's a pretty good mom (in the daytime at least)....I sincerely wish you best of luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Pussy Kat Doll +, writes (25 July 2007):
Did your wife ever used to be negative???? Well if not she could be going through a depression. A depression is a sickness that is cause by an im-balance of chemicals in the body. You should talk to your doctor. Most cases of depression become sucidal. Your wife can take prescription pills to get the chemicals in the body in harmoney again. The pill can eventually stop being taken when your wife is over it. Right now there are not enough chemicals producing which is effecting your wife's emotions in a negative way. if it is not that you should aprciate your wife more and get her flowers just because its wednesday... Good Luck and dont give up
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): I stuck with my first wife through thick and thin - 'for the sake of the kids'.My daughter, several years later when she was in her early 30's, told me that we didn't do her or her brother any favours by staying together. They sensed the tension between their parents which ultimately made them very unhappy. Our son soon went off the rails, and I can't help but think that this was our fault, not his.Think carefully. There's never a good time to get out of a relationship, but think how much worse things are likely to get in years to come.
...............................
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (25 July 2007):
 You're taking a prudent tack. But don't blow up the marriage unless you think your kids will be better off.
Kids don't need you to be around all the time but they need you to be 100% there when you are around. I don't know if this makes sense to you right now but some day you might need to remind yourself about this when you start feeling guilty.
Things happen for reasons that may become clear to you in the future, but seem elusive in the here and now. Good luck and take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): WOW! I never thought anyone would bother to read my post, much less provide some constructive advise.I'd sort of like say that I never expected nor ever thought my wife (any wife) was supposed to 'keep her gob shut' or any crap like that. I set up myself in consultancy practice to take care of the kids at home for several years when they were little so she could pursue her career. And then killed that off to find a steady so she could stay at home with them as they grew up - like she said she wanted at the times. I'm not talking about complaining - I'm talking about not ever being able to take or share any pride or enjoyment in anything good in frank fear of the blowback when anything good is happening for us.It is important to me that the kids have one of us at home and I think she is a pretty great mom when she isn't through the looking glass. But when she is ... Gawd!I guess over the years we have gotten into a very bad rut in that I always put out an olive branch, suck up the venom and try to find and suggest a way out for us - but this round - I am trying very hard *not* to. I know I'm being cruel in some people's books - but - I have to think at 45 I have to try and put a stop to this cycle. As the Agony Aunt wisely said she has to - 'take responsibility for her own choices'.Her response to this (as usual) has been (this all fired up again in May - I got a promotion and a raise) to once again lay out the silent treatment and put on the granny flannel for me.But - this time I a responding in kind because I agree that I need her to really understand how damned serious I take the lines she is now crossing.Anyway - thank you, thank you, all very much. I am reading your ideas and suggestions carefully because I don't want to flush 30 years down the tube either... But I gotta say, it is a hard, hard road right now...
...............................
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (24 July 2007):
I commend you for giving us such a detailed report on your issue. You've clearly had a great deal of time to analyze the situation. Your post, though long, was very easy to follow.
While you have spent all of your adult life taking care of others, namely your wife and kids, you are beginning to sense that it's "me" time. When it comes to your wife, she is an adult and has to take responsibility for her own choices and the consequences that flow from them. It is long past time for you to try to fix her - she wasn't yours to fix in the first place.
But your kids are a different matter, and in my opinion there is no middle ground. It is the job of parents to provide a loving and stable environment for their children. In your case, I think you are doing your part. Your wife seems unwilling or unable to do hers, according to the information you have given us.
Your children deserve to know what happiness is, but they cannot experience it in an environment that they believe is loving and safe but is in fact loveless and dangerous, possibly even abusive.
If you can create a home where your children experience happiness then I think you will experience it too. Let this be your guide on the choices you feel you need to make going forward. Good luck and take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (24 July 2007):
 You should give her an ultimatum. Get counseling for her depression and overtly negative, perfectionist attitude, or you can no longer stay married to her. She needs help and until she recognizes and considers getting this help, she will continue to suck the life out of you and when the kids are gone, it'll just be the two of you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like that?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): Reading the other posts I'm glad to see the cold hard male approach to helping a woman who is clearly struggling is well and truly alive. Wow - there's nothing like assuming she has to 'buck up her ideas'. That attitude comes from the school of "I got married so that she'd iron my shirts, cook my meals and keep her gob shut for 30 years". Nice one.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): If you ask a woman "What's wrong?", invariably she'll reply "Nothing!". In such circumstances we men will outwardly appear to give the impression that we believe nothing is wrong. It's easier that way, and we can get back to reading tha paper immediately, rather than having to behave like a psychiatrist, clipboard in hand, with his patient on the couch!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): I understand what you are saying as I am guilty of finding fault and recognise this trait you describe in your wife. Someone once said "if you look for a problem you will always find one". It seems as if your wife is comfortable being unhappy or just 'not quite happy'. She sets very high expectations in life (possibly pre-set by her parents or her background) and everything must be perfect. She fears failure in herself and imposes this fear and anger on others. This perfectionism drains both her and everyone around her and each time the ideal she builds up 'fails' in her eyes, the greater the fall and this can, in itself lead to depression through a feeling that nothing is enough and nothing will ever work so whats the point. The problem you have is that she is the one to change - not you. You can help her help herself and I urge you to try even though you are at your wits end as 30 years is a long time and you obviously love her very much. There are many good books or articles on the internet along the lines of 'Women who think too much' and others that relate to perfectionism or esteem - buy one or print something off for her to read alone quietly. Trust me, your wife is probably exhausted with the process herself but she doesn't see or know any other way. If you ask your wife straight "Are you happy?" listen carefully to what she says. I am often frustrated or angry at others out of a feeling of my own hurt - past hurts, current hurts you name it. When I say I'm upset all that perfectionist / not good enough feeling goes away. Can you spend some time alone for a weekend - try something completely different that you can surprise her with that is difficult to pick fault - something simple and caring. It may take one thing or many things to make her see she needn't be like this - but it doesn't have to be the loss of your marriage. Set yourself a time frame to work within and assess things again at the end of it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): I've been there. I was married to a depressive woman for 15 years. The more valium she took, the more depressed she got. She nearly took me down with her.
I broke free at the age of 53, got myself a new partner and I feel so much better for it, realising that I'm not in fact losing my marbles. My ex remarried and is happy as far as I know, but she's someone else's problem now.
Tell her to buck up, or you're out of there. And mean what you say. The ball is in her court.
...............................
A
male
reader, blazee +, writes (24 July 2007):
 confront her about her feelings. i often say this to everyone but it always the best option.and then go counciling, dont brake up something that been going 30 years, you should know each other inside out by now. you can do it, for the kids get it sorted. it isnt embarresing counciling so dont worry many people go and it saves there marridge, and if you are thinkin of braking up with her everyday...its worth it. dont care what anyone thinks this is your life and your love x
...............................
|
