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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi ppl, I have quite a serious problem here and I know I am to blame but I stirred it up and it's time to face it. I am in a marriage of 4 years but I had been having an affair with a guy for around 5 months. I was having this affair as my hubby wasn't treating me well and although I kept on speaking to him trying to make it better, he didn't want to listen.I just found out that I'm pregnant and I suspect it's not my husband's own. When I told my husband about the pregnancy he took it over and he started building up plans for us. On the other hand, I told the other guy the truth but since he's married with a child too there's nothing much we can do. He asked me to run away with him, but I just think it's not good for him to leave his family and still I have to explain things to my husband.I was thinking of telling my husband, but I'm not 100% sure that it's not his, and apart from that I wouldn't want my baby to grow up without a dad.What do you advise me to do?
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (1 August 2006):
 I advise you to be completely open and honest about your infedility because it will absolutely destroy your husband if he later finds out that the kid he thought was his is not his and he was raising another mans child. I dont advocate what you did at all, but you need to explain why you did wrong by him, tell him that he wasnt treating you good and that led to the affir, but please my friend, tell the truth. xXx
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (1 August 2006):
 I ~don't~ recommend that you "run away" with your lover, for at least three reasons that are right off the top of my head:
1. He already has a wife and family.
2. You've only known him for five months.
3. He cheats with other people's wives.
You should probably do nothing for the moment, except think about what's best for your child.
You don't know yet what the "truth" is, so all you can tell either your husband or your lover is that you're pregnant. You seem to be treating the pregnancy as if it's 'really' your lover's child, but unless you know that your husband has fertility problems, it's still a 50/50 chance.
Historically, this situation has arisen countless millions of times. One study I read suggested that when DNA testing first became available, up to 10% of men found they were bringing up children they had thought were theirs, but weren't, which means you're not alone with this problem. So unless your lover is dark-skinned and your husband's from Norway, it's unlikely to be found out, or guessed, by either one, since most infants look pretty much alike at birth.
The question you need to examine is, are you ready to reconcile with your husband? Have you forgiven him for his transgressions, and are you willing to work on your relationship with him? Because if you're still harbouring resentment (and you stay), one day you may just blurt out the uncertain parentage of your child in the heat of an argument, just to be hurtful. And how with *that* make everyone feel, especially your child?
What I recommend is that you reconsider staying with your husband, and try to work out the issues between you. Have your child, say nothing about your doubts and consider DNA testing later, in the event the child needs to know his/her genetic history. Once you know the real truth of the matter, and you know with certainty whether you can stay with your husband, you can make a clearer decision down the track.
At least you'll have tried the most honourable option. Just try to make your choices based on what you think is going to be the best possible environment for your baby, and you can't go too far wrong.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 August 2006):
 I think you should be honest with your husband. He has the right to the truth and can make his an educated decision as to what he wants to do about the situation. Once the baby is born they can do a paternity test to determine the father. If he wants to stay with you until that's determined then fine but it's his call. It's up to the other guy to decide whether to tell his wife or not so don't you do it. If it turns out not to be your husband's baby then the other guy needs to make some decisions as well. It could get very messy, I won't preach but...what the hell were you thinking? Cheating and not using birth control, wowie.
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