A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please can you help me.I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and love him very much, we talk about getting married and having children. However last year I cheated on him 4 times. Even now I cant explain why I did it; I lost both my grandparents and had problems with my friends. Although my boyfriend is very loving and caring I craved the attention these men gave me. I cried every time I cheated and felt so dirty, but I carried on doing it. I started a new year and really have learned from the awful year I had. But now I feel so guilty. Should I tell my boyfriend or just move on? Im not expecting any sympathy because I know how badly I have behaved. I just need some advice as I have read other users problems and everyone seems to give good avdvice. Thank you for taking time to read this.
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male
reader, thirdeyeinsight  +, writes (22 January 2009):
Um, wait a minute here. Out of all of these responses, I've only seen one with the right idea. That is the one that pretty much sums up putting the cheater in the cheated-on's shoes. I myself, have dated a woman for four years, albeit on and off, but for these reasons and her deciding to leave me for someone else. This, after telling me about cheating on me! I would have rather her have left me first!! Also, she admitted to cheating on me on four occasions and I had heard from plenty of people, including friends of hers that there was at least two other occasions. Regardless of whether it was six or four it doesn't matter to me. ONE is enough! Sadly each time I had to listen to her promise she wouldn't do it again because, "this time she loves me and would never do it again" or something similar. I loved this woman dearly and spent more than enough time giving her the affection I felt alot of women are missing in this world. I am a deep person, psychologically, and therefore psychoanalyze the world and the people in it enough to gain a sincere awareness to many things, including the way people are treated. It may not be the only way, but the best way to completely see what's inside the box is to step outside of it and quit trying to "miss the forest because you're too focused on the twigs and branches". Put yourself in his shoes, for real and honestly and forget about the results you would like to have. And here I agree with one of the women above in that you seriously need to ask yourself if he's the one your heart wants and needs. Do you really love him as much as you're convincing yourself, or is that something you're telling yourself to avoid the fact that it's just the consequences of being honest because of his reaction. Yes, it sucks when you make mistakes like that, but like a girl above stated, if you were truly in love with him the energy in you're heart just simply wouldn't have let the situation happen, and most likely wouldn't have even been a temptation in the first place. I say this because in the four years that I was in love with this girl, despite all of the eye-candy that was around and the parties she and I went to--whether we went together or not--I was never tempted to cheat on her. Ever. Love whether it's true or not is a state of being strong enough to give you a powerful state of inner KNOWING. Sooner or later his intuition will start registering because you're body language and actions around him will start showing that you're hiding something. Most guys I know have this, and so do women. Everybody in our lives, via the six-degrees of seperation, are symbols of something inside of us by virtue and character. In a couple of the wisdom-circles I attend we talk about this subject. Apparent arse-holes and the like are completely eliminatable by getting honest with yourself and working on the strength of your character. Every choice we make and the consequences we go through, whether good or bad, are there for teaching purposes alone on the path to higher wisdom. If you don't realize this than you will suffer the same consequences over and over again convincing you that "god hates you" or you're "cursed". A teacher of mine once told me that "the definition of insanity is to repeat your actions over and over and expecting different results", and a comedian the other night made a comment on some women complaining about the "hundreds of men she's slept with and none of them being any good". He joked that realistically after the first hundred men that she should have asked herself "gee, maybe it's me"! In the long run, be honest with him, because odds are, if you're not meant to be together than it's not going to last. Everyone we date is our soul-mate realistically because, living in the moment alone, we date who we do until we learn what we truly want and need in life AND relationship land, and move along to that "necessity". I'm sure most people on this planet has thought that every person they've dated was or might be "the one". I think people should start asking themselves what makes the present mate any different from the past relationships. There are many factors that make a perfect foundation for a relationship, so justifying the cheating move by a lack of attention and affection just doesn't "fly". I myself have noticed that it takes, yes affection and attention, but also similar goals in life, similar tastes, faithfulness and the readiness & knowing that one's ready to settle down. If you can't answer the question "why do you love me" in a long enough and detailed answer or something that relates to all of the necessities for a strong foundation, then you've got future problems at hand. And this doesn't mean lying to yourself and trying real hard to fill in these areas to convince yourself some lie, either. Also what's needed is some serious open-mindedness in both parties. Without this virtue, the second an intense conversation happens or even a small disagreement, it can and often will end up in one seriously fiery argument. These don't end pleasantly either. In fact, realistically they don't truly end anyways. They just end with someone leaving the room or house and slamming doors and a screeching set of tires!! I'm sure most have perceived enough of these and been in enough to see where I'm coming from. Well, anyways, I finish with pointing out that you shouldn't lie to him or never tell him simply because you fear the results or it'll threaten the relationship. I've been there and again, he'll probably start wondering and having gut feelings if he doesn't find out from someone else. Alfred North Whitehead once said, "no lie can live forever". Truth is what it is because it's symbolic of mental characteristic and virtue in the "mind of god" and the infinite consciousness of creation, and Fallacy has an inevitable end because only lies are created. Truth just IS. A little bit of depth thinking and meditation should elighten most on this philosophy. These teachings have been passed verbally for millenia and I have been one of the lucky few who has heard them. I am of course speaking of everything but the relationship I was in. Again, would you wanna know or not? Is he really the ONE you want? Do you "see" yourself with him years down the road? Is he a heartful need or a physical desire? Is losing him the only consequence you fear and if so, why? What does he do for you? What do you do for him? Are you 100% sure you or he can't get this elsewhere if not better? Don't be selfish about this and don't get down on yourself. Don't hide it either because inevitably, despite what the hypocritical woman on here tell you, he needs to know and you need to get it off of your chest because it'll eat at you too long. And philisophically speaking if you don't tell him simply because you're afraid of the consequences and/or losing him, then you are selfish. And last but not least, what honestly makes you think that 10, 20, or 30 years down the road nothing's going to happen to cause a "justification" to cheat on him again? And if enough time goes by then odds are sooner or later yous two will have an arguement strong enough to cause you to wonder why your with him and it may slip out of the mouth. That's how I found out about one of the times I was cheated on. Which is another thing. If you've cheated on four occasions, hiding one or two is far easier than hiding and lieing about them all. I tell you, if he even finds out about one he's gonna wonder about more. Maybe enough to investigate on his own and at least find out about even just one more. Don't listen to everyone that tells you to lie, because it's all coming from people that cheated themselves and are only thinking of their own emotions and convincing themselves of their partner's feelings and emotions. Follow your heart and not your ego. Change all mental, physical, and spiritual vice into virtue and you will be totally FREE and liberated. You will never gain a TRUE state of peace-of-mind and being until you do the RIGHT thing. Period. Again, the RIGHT thing and not something the "logical-left" is telling you. Follow your "intuitional-right" and I guarantee everything will be alright. I am also hoping that there's evidently enough of "both sides of the coin" on this page to help you "see" in your mind's eye all of the flaws of any decision and decide for yourself and yourself alone. Don't let influence and temptation imprison your mind. That is NOT free-will at all. Heighten your inner self and consciousness to the state of enlightened "gold" from all of the dead-weight "lead" of negativity and all that is meant to be to stengthen yourself will happen. Remember that nothing that ever happens to us is accidental or completely "bad" or "negative" it is there to teach us that somewhere along the line a decision was made on our part that caused the result and we need to change. That's it, nothing else. This is self-evident to me and millions of others and more throughout history, so don't be skeptical. Belief makes manifest. Finally, just follow your heart and not the mind, because the mind is known to play tricks on us. Why do you think going to the bar and "fishing" for a mate with "beer goggles" and hormones is such a bad idea?.............
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): Hi there,
I totally understand your dillema. I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years, but when I was away to university in another city (in the first year of our relationship) I cheated on him with a guy that lived in my residence. I knew he would never understand or forgive me so I chose not to tell him when it happened. I figured as people have said that it was a mistake and I had learned my lesson. I haven't cheated in 3 years and I love my boyfriend to death. we were planning to spend our life together, until recently.
We had been fighting lately and it came up that if every learned I had cheated or done anything a long time ago he would stop loving me in a flash and drop me like a fly. I felt so guilty for not telling him the truth when it was clearly soo important to him. And I felt selfish for not being honest in order to keep my relationship and be happy.
So I told him yesterday in a letter what happened. I figured, I could go a while without telling him I cheated, but after 4 years it is getting so serious, and if we to be together forever, he deserved to know what he is getting into. Needless to say, he hates my guts. But my most important advice to you from someone who has done what you are thinking of doing, is that god it feels good to get it off your chest!!!
I have told my boyfriend that I love him unconditionnally and would never ever cheat again, and haven't since that one stupid night which was a mistake. So now it is up to him if he will forgive me, which he sort of has now that I have told him, and be with me, which he says is unlikely.
My game plan now is to be honest from now on, to be faithful forever, and wait for what he thinks. I will understand if he doesn't ever want to see my face again, and will live with my mistake forever, at least being happy that I was honest finally and did the RIGHT THING!!!
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): The person who wrote ,
"Hi Anon, 1. you will feel bad...etc"
I would just like to say i think your advice is brilliant.
Actually "wow" material.
Ive copied and pasted what you wrote, my mates will benefit as have i.
well done!
x x x x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Anon reader who took so much time to help me. I cried when i read your responce because I felt so relieved as this is what a tiny voice had been telling me to do. Thank you so much, Xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Thanks so much you 2. It's great to get someone elses advice and opinions. No i'm not still cheating, it was just that year when I went completly off the rails. It's good to get this off my chest. Many thanks again.Xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Hi Anon1. You will feel bad -- and you should! You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel guilt because you obviously care about your partner. The first thing to realise is that feeling guilty is normal and natural - it's a form of regret. It's that voice telling you that it doesn't feel right. While I'm not being so naive to say "embrace it", do accept it --- it's your way of knowing that going outside your relationship is a course of action that's not working for you when you are feeling in need of affection or validation or whatever it is. Use that regret to learn from but don't let it become your anchor, dragging you down hereafter. 2. Don't let this dictate how you think of yourself -- i.e. see it as a series of errors, but don't let yourself get tricked into thinking that this defines the kind of person you are - don't think in generalisations (e.g. "I'm a cheater" or "I'm a bad girlfriend" or "I'm terrible at monogamous relationships") because when you do that, you're allowing mistakes to define you and you're NOT the mistakes you make - you are a good person who just made some mistakes. See your mistakes - whether they be 1, 2 or 10 - as something that you learn from -- no more, no less. And realise that sometimes, as much as it's a great big pain in the arse and you could kick yourself, we need to make a mistake more than once (in your case 4x) before it really hits home. I'd almost go so far as to say you can bet the 4th has guaranteed this will never be an issue for you again, but just to be sure...3. Address the issues -- have a good think about what is underlying those acts. Cheating isn't generally about sex for women - sometimes it's about feeling validated and special and adored, especially when you're going through a rough time. Even if you're partner is someone who tells you you're beautiful and wonderful and loved every day, getting attention elsewhere is different... it's offered independently so it sometimes feels even more flattering than when it comes from your partner and makes you feel good in the short-term. Maybe there IS something missing with your partner - maybe there are issues there to explore. Whatever it is, talk to a friend or a counsellor or someone and see if you can address your issues because that'll help in the future if you're faced with another crisis that leads to temptation.4. Don't tell him. As awful as it is for you to bear this alone, it is your cross to bear - not his. All it will do is hurt him and make it harder for you to be able to move on because you'll see the pain in his eyes, you'll feel him pull away in the night and that will be really hard to take. You're paying a high enough price in the guilt you're feeling... don't jeopardise your future and what's probably going to be a wonderful marriage and family over something that is no longer relevant... as I said before - it's not who you 'are', it's something you did and now it's over so it doesn't come into your relationship now. Just try and think what benefit will be achieved - will he be glad you told him? Probably not.- will he see your honesty as overriding the previous dishonest acts? Probably not.- will it strain your relationship and hurt him unnecessarily? You betcha.If you want to tell anyone, talk to a trusted mate or counsellor. At the end of the day, we all make mistakes. I could tell you some of mine and you're head would explode. Granted, what you've done is not great, but now you've learnt from it. Keep your secret, forgive yourself, put your energy into your relationship and start each day knowing that today is fresh -- it has no mistakes in it. All the best!
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hello Anonymous,
I honestly think from reading your post that you're really not ready to be in an exclusive relationship with anyone. Cheating once is bad enough, but four times really says to me that you are not ready to settle down.
You are going to get all kinds of answers telling you whether you should tell your boyfriend that you've cheated or that you shouldn't. But only you know your boyfriend. Would he want to know? Do you think he has the right to know? What about your feelings - if he cheated on you, would you want to know about it? You also have to ask yourself if there is anyone else who would tell your guy about what you've done. My point with that is it would be better that he hear it from you than find out from someone else. Being told that his girlfriend cheated on him - more than once - from someone else could leave him feeling humiliated and give him even more reason not to trust you if you try to salvage a relationship with him (as a friend or as a partner).
My personal feeling is that you should tell him and then let him know you're breaking it off with him so that he can move on. When I was younger, I was in the same position as you. I cheated on many of my ex boyfriends and deep down inside I knew that the relationships were a sham. BUT when I met my husband, I never even dreamed of cheating on him. If you've been together for four years with your boyfriend and you've cheated four times, are you sure that this is the guy you really want to be with? If so, I think he deserves to know - at least so he can decide if you are the one for him. And if you split, I still think you should tell him out of pure respect to him as a person. But, it's really your call.
Do what's best for you and your boyfriend. If you're serious about each other, you two could always attend couples counseling. That might help you work through the issues that seem to leave you craving more attention and will help him be able to trust you once you've let him know about what you've done.
But if you break up - it's not the end of the world. You can look at it as a fresh start, for the both of you. And if you stay together, then it seems like you really need to work on communication - tell him how you're feeling and find out how he feels, as well. Communication, honesty and trust are needed to form the foundation of a strong relationship. If you can rebuild that, then things should work out.
I know that this answer is pretty much open-ended, sorry. But like I said, you need to do what is right for the both of you.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hi
Heres how i look at things like this. IF by telling someone a secret it improves things for them, then i say tell them. IF its NOT going to improve their life in any way, then dont!
Yes you feel guilty, this shows you have a conscience, many dont! You know right from wrong. But that doesnt mean you make it easier by confessing to the guy you supposedly love.
If you were still doing it i would say let him move on to someone that can be faithful to him, but i think you should start seeing a counsellor and work through the guilt with them. You CANT ease your conscience on your boyfriend. It just doesnt work like that.
Unless you want out of the relationship of course.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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