A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, i'm a 21 year old and i have been dating my boyfriend for three years. recently i have been thinking a lot about breaking up with him. he's my best friend. he's incredibly sweet, loving and fun person and he's perfect for me. recently, however, i have just been feeling as though a three year relationship is too much for me at this age. i also feel as though i need some time alone to get a true sense of who i am. i dont know what to do. on one hand i'm afraid that if we do break u il look back in a month and think it was a huge mistake, but on the other hand i cant just ignore my feelings. help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): Thank you Tisha
I think you are right. Fear of regret is not a reason to be with someone.
I really appreciate your advice
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 September 2008):
 The really irritating thing about life is that you don't really know what the future holds and if you'll regret doing one thing and not the other. You just have to make the best decision with the information and the feelings that you have at the time.
So, yes, you might regret the break up, in fact I'll bet that it will be very unsettling if you've been together for 3 years. You're now very connected and your lives are probably pretty intertwined, your families know each other and people just expect the two of you to be together.
I found myself in a 'faded love' situation at about your age. It was only 2 years for me, but I just didn't want to put in the effort of having the relationship with him anymore. To my eternal shame, I didn't deal with it head on, I kind of passively-aggressively set him up to HAVE to break up with me. Not really very grown up of me, and I still feel kind of bad about it.
So I think that you're at least in touch with your feelings enough to recognize that you want out. You don't have a good reason, I didn't either, he was perfect in every respect. But I just didn't want to be with him and I was mentally 'done' with the whole situation. But not having a good reason to break up isn't enough to keep you in a relationship.
You may need room to be yourself, without answering to anyone else. If you've been together for 3 years, you have been answering to your parents for the first 18 years of your life, and to your boyfriend for the last 3 years. It does sound like it's time for you to experience life on your own terms and without the prop of someone else.
It may go all pear-shaped, he might be so angry and confused by this that he won't want to stay friends. You have to decide if you're willing to take that risk. In hindsight, I certainly was ready to, I just did it really badly.
So you can stay with him, and wonder, or you can ask for a break or break up, and wonder. There's just no way of knowing what will happen.
Personally, me in your shoes? I'd ask for the break. You're still young and have yet to stand on your own two feet. It's incredibly scary and empowering all at the same time to be in charge of your own life, your own time and your own destiny. But that's just me. You might be breaking up with the best guy ever, the most perfect man for you. I don't know him or you, so you'll have to weigh this all out yourself. I've given you my input, and I hope it helps somewhat.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): As a 20 year old who got out of a 2.5 year relationship 4 months ago, I will try to offer my thoughts. I had the same feelings when I was in a relationship with him but I never broke up with him because I loved him too much. He wound up breaking up with me for the same reasons you are considering and it broke my heart. I couldn't eat or sleep or really live life at all for a while. We recently started talking and hanging out again and I still truly love him. I realized that as much as I thought being without him would help me find myself, I realized that being with him brought my true self out and I can only hope that we are meant to be with each other.
I understand that is kind of going against your thoughts, but think of what you truly truly want and if you would be able to live without him in your life. Do what makes you happy and try not to have regrets. If you think you might regret it, you probably will.
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