A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner 25 and i 23 have been together for a year, i have been with 40 sexual partners and he has only been with me we have always stuggled with this and seems to be getting worse the closer we get has anyone got some advice on how we can get though this problem? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (16 August 2010):
The more I read on retro jealousy the more I am certain that the vast majority of women have absolutely no clue what it really is. It would be like a man commenting on the nuances of PMS.
Back to the original poster. 40 is a lot for your age, and IMO would be a lot for many men to accept at any age. The catch 22 you're in is that it doesnt usually effect men until they become emotionally invested, so you dont really know until its too late.....
A
male
reader, Gandalfrex  +, writes (16 August 2010):
Yo I'm sorry but 40 sexual partners at your age is excessive. Get a thorough medical check, that will assure him you are clean.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (15 August 2010):
 Normally its the male in these relationships who posts the question out here, you know...the "my GF has slept with X number of men before me boo hoo hoo".
From your side you can only keep re-assuring him that he's the only one who means anything to you and if that means a few white lies on how he's the best sexual partner you've ever had, so be it. Guys need that reassurance and the more previous partners we have had, the harder it is for them to believe it.
But I'll be honest with you, the odds are against his being able to fully cope with your past. He's too young and too inexperienced on his own account.
All the best!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (15 August 2010):
 He might be suffering from something called retroactive jealousy. This can be a crippling condition where a guy can't stop thinking about his girlfriend's past sex life, and gets really painful thoughts and feelings as a result. Yet he keeps doing it... getting worse and worse. This also gets worse the more he loves her, as that makes the feelings more intense too.
If you think it might be that, please read this, in particular what i wrote on 31st july which describes it in detail.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
If you love this man, please treat him with sympathy as this can be truly terrible for him. At the same time don't let him blame you, criticise your or make it your fault. This is his feelings that he has to come to terms with. As long as those days are behind you and you want to be committed to him now, then hopefully he can overcome it.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (15 August 2010):
 The number of sexual partners you have enjoyed in the past is not the real problem for a lot of guys. It is whether they have had more partners than you!
If your guy had 60 women, he would not have a problem. But right now, not only does he feels sexually inferior to you, he is also getting hung up on the number itself.
Many men like to feel somehow 'in control' during sex, so I guess that whatever he wants to do with you, he will feel certain that you have done before, and maybe done it better with some guy in the past.
So he feels like you are judging him, and he is not confident that he will do well.
You must simply re-assure him that he is the one, at this moment in time, all those guys in the past are long gone.
More mature men will probably not worry too much about how many partners a woman has had. After all, a woman's past is exactly what makes her the woman she is today. So keep re-assuring him that he is THE ONE. You have had far more sexual experience than him, so he doesn't need to hear that fact any more, he needs to hear that after those other have come and gone (pardon me!) he is the man you choose to be with today, and for the foreseeable future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): Break things off with him. What I have to say is discouraging but I am trying to do you both a favor in the long run.
Sex numbers that are this far apart are a BIG indicator that you are not compatible. You have led two very different lives and you have very different internal attitudes towards sex.
People can sometimes get over these issues but more often they do not. If your BF can't get around this soon then he will not get around it. Time heals most wounds but it does not heal this one. Every week there are people posting questions on Dearcupid that are struggling with retroactive jealousy from things 10 or 20 or 30 years ago.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (15 August 2010):
He might be suffering from something called retroactive jealousy. This can be a crippling condition where a guy can't stop thinking about his girlfriend's past sex life, and gets really painful thoughts and feelings as a result. Yet he keeps doing it... getting worse and worse. This also gets worse the more he loves her, as that makes the feelings more intense too.
If you think it might be that, please read this, in particular what i wrote on 31st july which describes it in detail.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
If you love this man, please treat him with sympathy as this can be truly terrible for him. At the same time don't let him blame you, criticise your or make it your fault. This is his feelings that he has to come to terms with. As long as those days are behind you and you want to be committed to him now, then hopefully he can overcome it.
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (15 August 2010):
Props for being honest with him. Is he a jealous man in general, like if he sees another guy talking to you or sees that you find another guy (like a movie star, maybe) attractive? It's all part of an attitude of jealousy, and speaking from personal experience, it is possible to just get over it. With my first girlfriend, I was extremely jealous. Now, I find sexual experience attractive and I am perfectly happy in an open relationship.Your guy should try a mental exercise. He should imagine you having mind-blowing sex with someone else and try finding pleasure in the idea of you having pleasure without him. When you think about it, the idea of you being pleased should make him happy, right? He shouldn't be the one and only human in the world who can give you pleasure. If it works, and he can find pleasure or arousal in the thought of it, then next you should try telling him about some hot sexual encounter in your past DURING sex/foreplay with him. I know that sounds odd. But scientists theorize that is a natural state of mind going back to early man--some say prehistoric men and women had multiple sexual partners each. If you want to read about it, read the book "Sex at Dawn."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): well wats in da past should stay in da pass but u guys need 2 tlk or separate.
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